[Rose Ekerholm]

My Body Left, But My Heart Stayed With You

You don’t understand or know

the depth of my love for you.
I get scared that you will grow
tired of me, and leave me too.

I’m sorry that I’m so insecure,

but our relationship is so delicate.

To you I’m only your birth-mother.
Just a woman you haven’t met yet.

When I think you’ll leave me, too.
It’s because I left you, first.
So it’s what I think you might do,
because it is what I deserve.

So when you don’t let me know
that you care as much as I do,
My emotions start to ebb and flow.
My love is old – your feelings are new.

Copyright ©2006 Rose Mary West Ekerholm AKA Plethora

[Rose Ekerholm]

I found my daughter in 2005. I wrote this in 2006.

[candace_mandace]

I put my two youngest daughters up for adoption at the ages of 3 and 1, they are now 6 (will be 7 in September) and 5 years old. I get to see my 6 year old and she knows I'm her mom. When I see her she asks if I'm taking her home. I haven't seen my 5 year old since our last visit on December 5, 2004 and I find myself missing her more and more everyday. My heart aches and I cry a lot.

My question is, when you found your daughter, how did she feel? My fear is, Sarah (my 5 year old) is going to hate me and not want anything to do with me. I'm scared she's going to feel that I abandoned her, or didn't want her. How do I prove to her, if I find her when she gets old enough or she finds me, that I missed her and not once forgot about her? Please...tell me your story.

Congratulations on being reunited with your daughter.

[rainmon]

Candace, keeping a journal or diary on your thoughts and feeling for her, even if it only has a few lines per week.....you could keep a small notebook in your purse for your thoughts and when ever your inspired you could write a few lines to add later to your main journal at home.
Maybe "someday" there will be a time that you could ask her if she would like to read it.

[Rose Ekerholm]

I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you until now.
I'm afraid that my daughter does have some hurt from my adopting her out, but although she also understands now, she still says things to let me know that she's hurt. I told her very truthfully about how it happened.

I told her what I went through by not having her in my life. The tearful days and nights, the anniversary of her birthday, what it was like, and how it tore my heart out when people asked me how many kids I have, and I didn't know how to answer. How people were quick to judge that I'd been a bad mother and the CPS took her (neither of which were true).
How I wrote to her on her birthday each year in a journal (I gave it to her after I found her).

The idea from the other person that answered you had a great idea. Keep a journal, and write everything in it. From the pain and hurt you're feeling, to how much you wish she were there with you. How you look for children that could be her. Tell her about the guilt and pain you feel when you hug your other child(ren) because you aren't hugging her, too.

How you wonder if her life is good..if she's happy, well adjusted, smart, shy or outgoing, if she has any of your traits, if she looks like you, if she is safe.

If you pray for her, write the prayer down. Pray for every aspect of her life...her health, her mind, her happiness, the way her adoptive family treats her, her choice of friends, her talents, her future husband and children...the list is endless. I wish I had written mine down. Then give that to her, too.

I got to meet my daughter last year (07), and my grandson, and her 2nd husband. When it was time to leave, it was just as hard leaving then as it was the 1st time.

Reunions are wonderful, but then there are new things to deal with...new hurts. But at least you'll have her in your life in some way.

I still cry about it, even though I found her in 05. I'm crying right now. She was 33 when I found her.

Take care, Hon. Get counseling if you don't already have it. I have PTSD from the adoption. It affected me in everything ... the way I treated people, the way I felt guilt because I loved my other 2 daughters..my trust of others. The depression, guilt, pain, anger, heartache, loss...the not knowing about her.

Sorry this is so long. I get on a soapbox, and want to be heard. I'm so emo!