[sleeca]

Remembering back, to a time that was mine, never wondering about my life that was left behind... Never knowing , never really thought, about what could have taken place to bring me to this thought.. The thoughts of why, and does she look like me? Why didnt she want me to be a part of her family... Is she ok? I'd ask myself, or did she die? Or am I a mark of her history?... So there I sit and write, filling out the form, wondering if she ever cared about the one before.. Now i wait until I hear, the rumours that suddenly appear. In my mind it can be anything.. rape, a mistake, anything. Will she think im out to get her, or will she see, I only want to know about who I was to be.. The rest is up to her, I only want to know, my medical, and reasons why, then I'll let it go.. But suddenly I hear, I hear her voice once more.. A different voice,from the one I heard so long before... She wants to know what I want, and I just simply say, The reasonings upon my birth, and the great big giveaway... Now I know the truth, now its up to her, does she want to be reminded of the child she first bore?... No she wants to meet me, then we'll see from there, but theres darkness in her eyes, a look of great dispare... She tells me not to worry, she wont ever let me go.. But how do I know, just how it will go?.. She has another family, ones who do not know.. About he child she once had, those many years ago... We need to be a secret,just for now she says.. And in time things will change, dont know how, nor when... So now these years have past, 7 to be exact.. and now I feel more unwelcome, from the fears of way back... Back to a time I wasent there, to what she had til now.. So here I sit and wait, for it all to come to light... Where we all can sit and be, and it all can be alright... Alright to a time where everyone knows, about the baby girl she gave away.. The one the'll never know.. never know until the time is just right, for her other family to allow her to her right. The right of a child, she wanted so dear.. But in a fatefiul night, the child had disapeared... Disapeared into a family, she never knew much about, only that they could give to her, what this mother was disallowed...

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I look into the mirror, every single day.. Knowing this is a face, that a woman gave away... Does she even care, how much I need her so?.. How could she throw it away again, after 30 years or so... The lies, they will never fade, they only reappear, so whats the point of living this lie, year after year?


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At times im so ashamed at the things i have done and said all the hurt ive put atop these peoples heads.... i never meant to do or say these things im now ashamed.. of the person i once was, is now the one proclaimed.. i lost so many of you, within the lies ive told, and also for all the bad things on you i have bestowed.. i can forever say im sorry, for i have lost most of you. so now i sit here hoping that maybe i can be true, be true the way it once was, before i changed so much, and lost myself within myself, and try to regain ones trust. i can beg and plead for you to understand, but that cant ever happen unless once more we befriend... i did so many wrong, so many who i knew.. now i have a new and again im lost and sad.. wishing wondering and hoping, about the family i once had. i miss you my aunt and my cousins, how did it turn this way... maybe if i never found, all the years of wondering, never knowing a thing.. then i find and change once more, and still more wondering.. it made me more confused ever then i had been... now i wonder how to change back.. to the way i was back then... alls i can say is im sorry and pray you will forgive all the bad things i did.. way back as a kid.. a kid no i was and i can move on.. im left with scars where there were none... i am ok ..i have to be.. for this is my life , how it was meant to be... me here and you all there... maybe next time...when your aware... of the feelings youve hurt, and the lives you twisted... all because of what youve enlisted.. i will be ok... i will be alright.. now that i have ended this long lasting fight.