[sleeca]

10 Years reunited...

It has been 10 years now that my search began...
and soon to be when we met...
which none was the plan..
I wanted her nothing more...
no one else with not even a hope of an open door..
just wanted to know who i was
where i came from and why..
but i found Him first...
he told me what i wanted to know..
i waited weeks before i asked about you.
he knew it was coming he just had to
he was fine with me asking and he wanted to help
help me in the quest of eternal rest...
the rest of knowing what made you do
what i couldn't do myself even younger then you..
so we spoke on the phone,
and you asked me what i wanted
i told you nothing more then answers to the yearning questions never
forgotten
you then made the next move
but i was again not who i was to you..
i was nothing more then a cousin or even worse, a family friend
you were still so ashamed hiding who you were..even now at the end...
As time grew you decided you wanted to know
about the child her past present and maybe be part of her future..
we spoke we met, but no one knew...
i was still a secret that you kept with you...
i let it pass and didn't care, as along as i had this time to share
the time to share with another who was never there...
things occurred words were spoken,
the tie once again had become broken...
months had past and we again spoke
back to the past we had again woken
but things seemed different and a bit more open
i was allowed and it was open
we came over and spent the day, and became closer to mother and daughter.
but too many lies again were spoken and poems written
that once again i was forbidden
forbidden to be part of m own blood,
and withheld from the love..
the love that i so wanted to finally have
that i thought i finally felt...but really never had...
I still had my other side tho
ones who took me as not a day had passed.
and welcomed me with open arms
and holidays filled with love and open arms..
for so many years it now has been..
and times past but love stayed within.
you called me again about my sister
she wanted to be apart of me
i wanted it too
so were started it again with a new...
a new sense of wonder just her and i
with hope that too much time had not passed us by
i even met one younger then me
and his child as well had come to see
see me at my home this summers end
to spend time with family and friends
to meet a nephew and him meet his cousins,
it all made sense and completed my past.
then you called one day asking me to write a letter but not let on anyone else knew...
in hopes that he would allow us to..
to continue to be who we are...
he got the letter and ask you all
if you wanted what i had requested in hopes fr us all..
all but one said yes you did...and he allowed it but yet still he was upset.
we had our times with the hope and trust
that you didn't lie to me again..
but you did...
all i asked for you couldn't give
all the selfishness and blame is now my own
and i took part and allowed it to happen
all to be part of the family i wanted
but as time passed i began to wonder
why the other side didn't look at me with wonder...
they took me for who i was without remourse
but with hopes and dreams and thanks and love
but again you had to leave me because you didn't have
the strength you wanted and needed
to be and have something others did...
and now 10 years have gone by, and it is still
a mind and heart game i feel within..
i still want you so much in my life
as i need you to be and take part of within
my soul and to love me and my children
as you love your other children you had...
yet all this blame comes upon me
and yet im still here writing about thee
with hopes and prayers that someday you will see
that i am not only a memory in your mind i am me
wanting and waiting like i did the first day
in the hospital room only one room away
wondering why i was not in your arms..
but with someone else doing all the loving and warmth
of the arms i nerve knew nor even yours to this day
as i sit here wondering almost 10 years to the day
of the day when i met the family who did
open their arms to a bastard of a kid
but not look at me for who i once was
but who i alway swill be...
the loving child who once was
theirs...
wondering still waiting will you ever call me...
hoping that you will open your arms
once more and be more then you were before
stronger and safer then ever before
when the mean old man made you leave me on the other side of that door
now married to a man who made you do the same..
i wonder and hope your calling my name
in hopes that once again we will meet once again
but not like before in any way
but in the way that it was to be on that day.
the day you were planning on hiding me in
the attic dresser drawer away from the sin
the sin of your father and what he had done...
to make you run off and do what you had done..
but time has now past and i still often wonder
if you ever really cared about the littlest wonder.
the wonder of me...as i like to be called
not the bastard or unwanted who needed a nun
to care for her until 2 weeks later
a new family came in to take in your place
to give the child something other then grace..
but love and forgiveness of your own sin
that you to this day still carry within
but i am not the sin you so take me for
i'm just a child you were forced to ignore
but i'm still here awaiting for you
to come claim what looks just like you...
i am not at fault for all you have done
all i ever wanted was to know where id come
never asked more then that ever from nay of you
but it amazes me that not one of you are true
neither side of this craziness could or would ever come clean..
you ask everything up like i'm something obscene
but its ok really i'm not offended..
i have my own life and for that i have amended
i still hope and pray that someday you'll come near
and have hopes and dreams that i will take part
of this other life you have so different then mine
but hopes and dreams don't seem to come to easily
to a kid who is still as much now as then so needy
to know and to be loved but her very own mother
i cant do what you do and look the other way
i am who i am no matter what
and for that i will always be here sitting in wonder
will she call or ever come back
to reclaim something she has once given away
and understand now that she has another chance
to get her back...
does she even care too
now i wonder
but its been 10 yrs now of the same bull**** and lies
but it is all within
her family ties
with new hopes and wants
of dreams anew
wanting to still be a part of you.

[heart-to-heart]

Dear Sleeca................your post really touched me, I felt an urge to respond to you and tell you " I am so sorry" for the pain and the sadness that you must be living with. My heart truely goes out to you, and I wish that I could hug you right now. I hope that doesn't sound too off the wall coming from a complete stranger, but the words you wrote were powerful, and real. You wrote from true emotion, and bared your heart and soul. I hope that you won't be offended if I ask you....."have you ever gone to any kind of therapy, or counseling....someone who might be able to help you sort through all the shattered dreams and help you to hang on to "THE WONDER"...THAT IS YOU!! I wish you peace and contentment as you continue on your journey in life and pray that GOD blesses you and shows you that there are many paths to choose from and unseen gifts behind new doors. I am in no way suggesting that you put it all behind you and move on, only that you always remember that you are more than a child abandoned by a mother, and you do not have to carry the weight of that injustice....that is too heavy a burden for one person to carry alone. I don't pretend to know what you must feel or what your life has been like as a result of the choices your birth-parents made when you were born, I only hope that might seek new roads to travel and new doors that open to possibilities and discover that there are so many ways to bring light and love to your life......we do not always understand the way HE works, but when we push forward and reach higher we often discover the best of ourselves and it is the part of us that is our spirit....our soul....and there is no one who can take that away from us once we find it, and we don't have to own all the hurt that has been put upon us by the people in our lives or by circumstance.
I don't know you, but tonight I was touched by the words you wrote and I just wanted to tell you I care and am so sorry you were are going through this.....the shame is on your mother...not on you.....I hope you can put it back on her and choose to design your own journey and stop carrying the weight of your mother's journey.......GOD BLESS YOU..........from a birth-mother, and a mother...and a daughter.........but I choose to just be ME....Denise..........Heart-to-Heart

[sleeca]

thanks..
yes i started seeing a therapist and he said i have major abandonment issues...(ya think) lol
i did however let go of the guilt and pain that was not mine...i gave it all back..litterally...
i took the cards and letters and pictures and sent them to "her" husband...so now he knows i was not the lier she was and gave the guilt and pain to where it always should have been...
i havent heard from them not even an angry email...which is fine but i was kinda hoping for something to know for sure they got it..but again that is just me holding onto something that isnt there....and that too im letting go...
thank you for your kind words....they meant alot...
id love to keep in touch with you and learn more about your story...you said your a birth mother...have you been reunited as well?
i have support through Adoption Triad Outreach
i havemet so many wonderful people in the chat room...and they even today help me when i need a shoulder....
if you have a myspace please add me to yours..
MySpace.com - www.myspace.com/36061833
suzanne fernandez
thanks again...
hugs back!