[shef]

The Mask dropped:

"wont stop long" she said as she came into my room and sat down.

Silence

"Do you know what day it is?"
My mind began to race, as though caught sleeping....trying to remember
I searched for clues
"ummm" ok go with my hunch
"Yep, special day isn’t it?" I questioned
Still searching for clues.
"Yep" she uttered staring at me
almost willing me to go on.
"Oh God" I breathed let me get this right.......
"Ummm ...an anniversary day?" I offered
She nodded her head and said
"Yup....a birthday"
"Your daughter?"
"Yup" Now her eyes dropped and she seemed far away, somewhere I
couldn't go.
Which daughter I wondered, which one, she had had three.
A knot was forming in my stomach.
"How old is she today" I spoke softly almost in a whisper.
"Seven I think" She tried to remember, sadness covering her face.
"No...eight" she stammered......It hurt her to talk., It hurt me to
hear.
And together we let the silence that had descended enfold us both for
that moment.

"I'm trying to hold on" she said. "Trying not to break down. Keeping
busy so I won't think. Last night I broke down, had a few tears. You
know....remembering...thinking about the girls, wondering if they are
ok, happy Did she wonder if I would remember her today? You know,
that sort of thing. I expect later on tonight I'll have another cry.
You know, take some time out like you say and cry.......her voice
faded far away and seemed to follow her gaze and eyes that looked but
no longer saw.

She was inviting me to join her in her memories. Here in my room she
had come so she could remove her mask just for awhile and let herself
feel and remember her little girl who was having yet another birthday
that she could never be part of.......
She Knew I understood and could hold her by my presence and would
create a space for her to remember and talk about the girls she'd had
removed form her and lost to adoption.
God the pain, shame and torment silently screamed out of her eyes as
her body slumped in the chair.
Suddenly, out of My eyes Her tears fell, running down My face. - I
sat as this dear Mother tried to recall the face of her
daughters.........
"What would she now look like...would she think about me at
all,...guess its for the best...I'm sure she’s happy with
them......Maybe one day they'll look for me?....."

Together we sat. Two women, locked together for this moment in time
as she struggled to give herself permission to acknowledge that once
she had given birth to three girls, and once she had been a
family.....here in this created space it was safe, not to be alone
whilst she breathed her name.......
"Happy Birthday Annie........." and then the window of time closed
and the mask put back on.
She left my room to go on with her day and I just
sat......alone ....and let Her pain out with a howl...........

Note: This took place...and I just had to write about it as it was....its not an actual poem...i see it more as prose....and hope its acceptable here......maybe some of you can relate.....I needed a place to share it.thankyou.

again....please comment if you want.......

shef

[AMom2Two]

This is very sad but it made me feel good about my children's open adoptions.

Thank you for sharing.