[slowdrowned]

the last time i saw you.

I ask other people questions. I ask
them question after question as though if I know their every tiny detail
their lives will expand and grow within me to fill the void shaped like you,
the hole just under my breastbone that sometimes it feels my heart is about to fall into,
a flutter in my chest that is not so different from your butterfly kicks, just higher, with
no promise of joy underneath.

Sometimes I will hear a love song and I will think of you:
of holding you against me, letting you fall asleep to the beat of my heart and
trying to match your short and shallow breaths. I will remember
that you never cried in my arms,
until that one time at Denny's, the last time I saw you,
and something in me insisted on acting stronger than I could ever have been. Something in me
was ashamed in front of you, and them, and it seemed wrong
that I should let myself break apart in front of the people I was supposed to be strong before;
I wasn't supposed to be human, I was supposed to be a happy-go-lucky and stupid girl
who was grateful that these suddenly-cold strangers were taking her baby away.

The last time I saw you I thought I saw your father looking at me strangely, like I was an enemy.
I thought I saw your mother flinch when I leaned in to kiss your downy-soft head,
and I pulled back before I could hurt her. Heavens, I would never hurt her: I would never hurt
the parents of my child, of my son.

I remember the color of your eyes, like emeralds on fire.
I remember the shape and size and weight of you.
When I cry my eyes light to that same color and I can feel an emptiness, an ache, like the phantom pain of a missing limb.
The last time I saw you I didn't tell you goodbye until you were already gone, until it was too late to change my mind.
I've been telling you goodbye ever since.

[cmh19137]

That is so beautiful! Your son is so lucky that you love him and miss him so much. He will want to meet you one day. I'm an adoptee and I had the same deep void as you until I found my birth parents again. He will never forget you and you cannot be replaced. Keep a copy of that poem to give to him when you are together again one day! He will LOVE to read it and know he was so loved.
Take Care!
((Hugs))
Christine