[Just Julie]

IN DUE TIME

Sleeping in the rented Cadillac,
head propped against the window,
nodding, jerking. This couldn’t be restful,
yet you declined my offer of a lap.

You played footsies with my friend Marilu.
Later, I asked permission
to support your back with my arm
as you practiced floating in her swimming pool.

You shivered beside me in church,
inches from my warm arm.
Sleepy, you rested your forehead on hard wood
instead of my softer shoulder.

You mess up my hair,
dab flour on my nose,
decorate my shirt with duct tape,
grab my arm, tug me around.
These playful times I cherish.

I never nursed you at my breast,
swaddled you in blankets,
nor rocked you to sleep singing a lullaby.
I never bathed you, kissed your bruises,
nor bandaged your skinned knees.
I never read stories to you cradled on my lap.
I missed those tender moments in your life.

Our hugs are genuine now,
some even stirring,
when our eyes seem to speak for our souls.
Yet strangers hug, while I anticipate
carefree expressions of the deep affection
between this mother and son.

May 1, 2002

Copyright © 2003 Julie Ann Barker

I wrote this for my youngest son who came to us through foster care at age 17, four months before high school graduation. Now in college, he wants to be adopted as an adult.

[hippiechick]

Oh, your poem is good--so true. As someone who works with foster kids, I want to congratulate you and say "thank you" for taking an older child into your life. Most adolescents in the foster care system do not get to be adopted, let alone attached to a family they can call their own.

That is awesome...and congratulations, it's a 180 pound boy?? lol

[Brooke_03]

Julie,

Surprise, this poem made me cry. It was so tender and deep and all of the right things. It touched my heart and I appreciate you telling me about it, so that I could read it.

I cannot tell you how much it means to me, as an adopted child, to think that you would adopt and older child like your son in college. Most people want babies--and those of us whose lives didnt work out for one way or another, those of us who are older . . .arent wanted. We arent wanted because we are are own people--too old to be rocked and held, formed, and molded . . .we are creatures of our own imagination and while we welcome love and acceptance from others, most of who we are, is what we have already experienced. It must be hard to try and break down those walls . . . of pain and fear, and signs of abandonment and rejection, but you do it anyway, and that gives hope to all of us in this situation.

I value the friendship that we have begun to form and look forward to reading more of your poetry--it allows me to see the great part of who you are--your soul.

Again, great job.

[AMom2Two]

Julie...your poem is beautiful and so moving. How well you captured the moments and put them onto paper. Thank you for sharing that.

Brooke....Your post touched my heart also. How wise your words are. I imagine you are not very old, yet your words sound so wise. I hope things are better for you in your life and you have found a home and love somewhere.

I have hopes of adopting an older child for our 3rd adoption. My husband doesn't know about this yet but when the time comes and things feel right, it will happen

Hugs to you Brooke! Bye

[Brooke_03]

Thank you for your kind words. I am not that young, I am 23. Some consider me still a child, however, I have been out in the world a long time now. I am about to graduate from college in Dec of 2003 . . . I was never adopted again or anything like that, but I am learning to love, and accept love now. It has been a hard road to hoe, but I think I will be ok--it is people like you and julie who are great.

Hopefully someday, I will foster parent or adopt, but it will be older kids and not infants. Infants are precious . . .but all people are.

I gotta go now . . . I am at work . . . so have a great day and thanks again for the kind words. Have a great day.