[JessTK]

I am an adoptive mother of 2 boys. One son is 8 years and the other is 4 months. Our children have different birthparents. We have open adoptions with both. Our oldest sons birthmom doesn't contact us very often (rarely) and right now it is too early to tell how much our youngest sons birthmom will contact us. Our oldest son was 4years when we adopted him and he had some relationship with his bmother then. I write his Bmother and send her pictures, and he used to include something too, yet lately he is refusing, this is concerning me. He won't say why, I am thinking it must be because she rarely makes effort to contact us. How can I get him to talk about how he is feeling, or is he just going through a "it's no big deal" phase and she at this point, is not a big part of her life.
Also, it seems that everyone who posts here that had been adopted talks positively about birthfamily reunions, looking for birthfamily, feeling empty about not knowing their families etc..
My real question is that when my sons are adults are they going to still consider us as their family or will they only want to be with their birth families?

[rmoliassa]

My brother and i are both adopted from two different families too. But in our case we were given up for adoption at birth. I would think that if your son doesnt want to talk to his bmom then i wouldnt worry about it. Hes most likely mad at her for not keeping in touch and so now he doesnt want to keep in touch with her either. I would make his life as wonderful as possible and always keep the option open for him to know his bmom and let him decide. I would say the same for your other son. My adopted mom always kept it open for both my brother and i. She is excited for us to know our birth parents and we both have a real close relationship with our adopted mom. My brother just found out who his birthmom is and shes excited for him. Now she is trying to help me in any way she can to find my bparents. So then i can get to know them. I would just say let him be about his bmom and let him decide what he wants to do. There isnt much you can do about it. I hope everything is ok and he does stay close with you. Good luck.

[chemgirl]

I have an overwhelming curiosity to find out where I came from, maybe have some sort of "friend" relationship, but nobody could ever replace my adoptive parents. They are my PARENTS for all intents and purposes, no one else would fit that definition. The biological ties are not as strong as the bond you have with the people who raised you and KNOW you.

[Jensboys]

HI! We also adopted a boy, who turns 8 in January when he is 4 (along with his 3 year old bio sib). He also is going through a phase where he wants nothing to do with writing his bmom or sending pics. We are respecting that and just letting him know that we will still send stuff because we have made her promises and if he ever wants to see the stuff she sends (which too is rarely) he can. We have to respect our kids feelings. But deep down I do think he feels rejected from her - she doesnt remember their birthdays, writes to me but doesnt mention to the kids etc... So ... live and learn. I would love to chat sometime with you. Please feel free to private message me in here. Thanks! Jen

[MelodyMac]

Hi, I'm an adoptee, my name is Melody. I was adopted when I was 4 days old, and my older sister when she was 5 months old. My sister has no desire to search for her birthfamily, but I on the other hand was curious.

For me, I wanted to see what she looked like, that's about it. I just wanted to see her. I turned 21 about 6 months ago and met her and everything is just dandy. We talk, hang out, etc. It's great, I couldnt' have asked for anything better. I'm not PRAISING her or anything, but it is nice to have that other "friend" that looks just like you If anything, right now, we're more friends than anything. Yes, we love each other and everything, but who do you think I call when I'm having problems?....Mommy, the one that raised me.

I don't think that you will EVER need to worry about your children wanting to have their birthfamily as their only family. You ARE their family. You are the one that raised them, gave them everything you could. You should be proud of yourself.

My birthother has given me a lot since I've known her, brought stuff up to my apt, got me little things, and Christmas this year will be WOW! double presents! BUT, my family, is the family that has seen me through...my sister, my brother, my mom, my aunts and uncles..... Yes, I have more aunts, uncles, and grandparents that love and care about me too, but YOU solely are family.

I have never even called my birthmother crying to her. We always talk about cheery things, or who ticked me off that day, it's never, "Mom, I feel alone, I'm sad, help me..." Nope, it's not like that. I call my MOM and that's who I cry to, that's who's always been there for me, and that's how it always will be. My mom is my best friend and she deserves a medal for everything she's done for me.

Hope that helped....Have a good Xmas

[Lee]

To Melody, How lucky and blessed your adoptive parents are to have you for their daughter. I am an adoptive mother of a 35 year old son who in August found his birth mom and 3 sisters. He spent 2 days with them and had a very good reunion for which I am grateful. However, at Thanksgiving he decided to take his family and spend 3 days with birth mom and family. I gave him a card to take to his birth mom in which I thanked her for giving me the chance to be a mom and told her that I would very much like to thanik her in person sometime. I received no reply from her and this makes me feel very insecure in this adoption triangle. I always am reading about adoptive kids feeling a sense of rejection by their birth mom when they are placed for adoption. But as an adoptive mom I am feeling a sense of rejection in all of this now. I am trying very hard to accept his need to search and find but I just wish that I could be made to feel more comfortable and secure in this triangle. I am not seeing it by the birth mom. I don't know what her plans are in this reunion and just how involved she plans to get. She has 3 daughters of her own. Let me know what you think.

[MelodyMac]

Lee,
First off, thank you very much.

Secondly, I think a lot of what you're expressing is purely natural. I sometimes try to put myself in my moms place and I feel that I would be very jealous, I'm just so amazed at home my mom handles it. I still feel there are sometimes when she feels like you. It's hard for me because sometimes my birthmother will ask me to spend the weekend and I live 2 hrs away from my mom (and birthmother) so when I'm in town visiting w/bmom, it's heartbreaking that I can't drive over to my moms. My birthmother sometimes comes and picks me up. I know my birthmother has a lot of respect for my mom and in a sense she does love her too, but sometimes I do feel like you're feeling...like she wants me all to herself and sometimes I think, well, "you're the one that gave me up, don't get too demanding." Sometimes I feel like I have to "please" her, shall we say. I just feel like I'm stretched over thin ground. There are even times when I think to myself, "I was happy w/just my family," although it's great to have a larger family.

So onto how the birthmother isn't really showing any affection towards you. It might be that she doesn't know what to say, or doesn't mean to impose. I know my bmom has sent my mom cards and my mom hasn't replied b/c she doesn't want to seem like she's angry we spend so much time together, etc. I think it's just a case of being uncomfortable. My bmom and my mom actually got Xmas presents for each other. I guess I'm blessed that they're both wonderful women, well, I know I'm blessed.

It's totally understandable how you feel. Sometimes I try to put myself in my moms position and I wonder how she does it. If she really is just trying to "hoard" him, I'd give it some time. It may frustrate you some, but I don't think your son would forget where he came from.

Bottom line: you're his roots, you're what he knows and where he comes from. you are really...his blood.

I'd like to share a poem w/you that I wrote for my mom one year:
Everything inside of me comes from you,
Everything I portray comes from you, and
Everything true in my life comes from you.

When I dance, a little bit of you dances,
When I think, a little bit of you wonders what I'm thinking,
When I cry, a little bit of you cries along with me,
When I smile, a little bit of you shines on my day,
When I'm weak, a little bit of you pushes me to be stronger,
and when I miss you,
you miss me.

Have a very Merry Xmas, Lee! If you'd like to keep in touch,
melody.mccrea@dfas.mil

[Linny]

Melody:
Lovely written prose! Your parents are very blessed to have a daughter like you! In this day and age, when there is so much media about how 'unhappy' adopted kids are; it's refreshing to hear a view such as yours!

" Bottom line: you're his roots, you're what he knows and where he comes from. you are really...his blood."


Thank you.

Linny

[MelodyMac]

Linny,
Thank you very much. It's lovely to be home w/my family for the holidays! Yesterday I went upstairs and told my mom of what I was doing and she was happy for me She likes that I'm trying to lend some sense of support in most cases.

Don't let me fool you, I was a troubled pre-teen/teenager, also. I had MANY ups and downs, I was actually diagnosed w/borderline personality disorder when I was about 15 or so. It's been difficult, but I feel I've come a long way. Many children (I know this was so in my case) feel like they want to be boss, want to be in control, let parents know that "they don't care," but what they're (I was) really doing was asking for help?

I'm 21 now, and wouldn't change a minute of my life. There's been bad and good times, but your PARENTS, you're true parents, see you through all these great, yet harsh times.

Have a great holiday, Linnie! It was so great hearing from you!
Melody

[JessTK]

Thanks for your replies. You all sound wonderful and I am glad to hear that not everyone wants to only be with their b-families. (not that I don't want them to ever be it's just that I hope I always hold a place in their hearts) I love my kids very much and I stay open with them. I guess we all just hope it works out for everyone in the end..........

[jjjetplane2]

I am an adoptive Mom of a boy when he was 3 and now have a foster (pos. adopt) daughter who is 3 yrs.

Both were taken from state, prenatally exposed, abusive homes, moved around too many times in the first years. Both are doing wonderfully dispite all the 'warning lables' of 'special needs adoption' are very high functioning kids.

I have given the open idea much thought. Both have slight memories of b-family. Good & Bad. Yet I must be honest! What if they meet up with them at 18 and start partying? I guess I must be open about birth families and pray that they can take in the good and leave the rest & always feel safe.

I know these Mom's love these kids, My kids are also 2nd & 3rd generation foster children and the birthmoms have hard childhoods. How much do you tell? How open to be? What age? Adoptee's??

I do not want to make the hurt worse.

[A_mothers_love]

I am on the other side, birthmom,biomom, firstmom....
Sending a card with a thankyou, honestly it would turn my stomach, I had a thankyou from my sons parents, it hurt me. I dont want a thankyou, just respect for who I am. I think perhaps the birthmom felt like me, hurt that you would need to say thankyou. Family through adoption is a family even if you do not share blood. I view adoption as enlarging a family, not making seperate ones. I would be very happy if my son was like MelodyMac, it means that he was well loved and feels secure were he is. It would sadden me greatly if my son came to me when he was an adult and stated he was unhappy with his family. A child of my heart should have no misery
Hugs
Melissa

[KilleDowns]

I am a 21 yr/old female adoptee, adopted at birth in a closed adoption. I found both of my birth parents in the last year, but they could NEVER replace my family. I adore both of my birth parents and they will always be a part of my life, but never as my real parents. My family always has been and always will be the one that was there for me through everything. Best of luck with you boys and the relationships with their birth mothers!

[jmisaacs2003]

I was about 8 years old when I found out I was adopted. At that time I really did't understand what it meant but the family I was with cared for me and it didn't see to make a difference. Your son probably is in a "it doesn't matter" stage. I also will say I have neve had contact with my bmom. I recently just started looking for her. I am now 32 years old. For your second question, I don't believe your sons will stop loving you just because your the aparents. I know I love my aparents to this day. And that wouldn't change even if I found my bparents. But since you have open adoptions I think that might even work better. At least when the boys grow up they will be able to understand the reasons on why they were adopted without wondering if something is really wrong. Good Luck with your children, I know I would also like to adopt a child someday because I was lucky enough to be put into a loving home when my bparents could not care for me themselves. Take care!!

[holiday]

I am a birth mother who just found her daughter. I havent contacted her yet because of her age-she is only 18. After hearing all these adopted children -adults..speak of there feeling it sounds as if they feel guilty over having feelings for there birth moms. Society has made adoption so taboo-that all parties fell guilty for there actions and it is sad. I havent figured if i will contact her yet because of all the bad feeling i hear about. I wonder if it had to be this way. My wish is that someday adoption will change from the negative thing it is now to something more open and positive. Like in divorce-society is learning to have more than one family-why is it so acceptable to-have step parents and to live without your father or mother if only you see them on weekends? Then to call a total stranger step mom or dad, but an adoptee feels to guiltyto call you mom when you are in fact there birth mother? My parents were never divorced but my boyfriend is and i couldnt help see the likeness to the adoption triad. Just a thought and I wish you all the best. colleen