[ewood]

Help! I am new to this forum, but really upset about some things that are going on in my family right now and would really welcome some advice. Quick background - we adopted my son when he was a newborn, then one year later the agency we had used called us to say that the same birth parents were expecting another child, and we adopted that baby, a girl, when she was born. They are now 5 and 4 respectively.
We have always been open with them about adoption - they both know that they were born in Texas and where that is on the map, and have recently started talking about "coming from another lady's tummy." We have always talked positively about their birth parents and said simply that they were not in a position to care for them.
Just recently my daughter, who is 4 (going on 14!) has started to make threats whenever she does not get her own way: "I'm going back to Texas". Originally we thought this was just her way of trying to get us to give in and we pretty much ignored it. A few days ago, though, she was crying about something and when I asked her what the matter was, she told me:"I miss my first Mom". She has repeated that several times since and has cried a lot about it. She has also said "So you and Daddy stole us!"
I am devastated, of course, and really struggling with how to deal with it. So far I have tried just to be sympathetic and to tell her that it is natural to miss someone when they are not there. (She has also had some recent experiences of loss - my mother and my father in law both died in the past 18 m and a much loved babysitter also recently left after a year with us.)
My husband thinks we should perhaps talk about adoption less with the children until they are older. My instinct is that this is exactly the wrong time to shut it down.
Please - does anyone have any experience or thoughts to share?

[jlcwc92300]

i agree that if you are to quit talking about it now is a bad thing. if you do then they will view its as a "bad" thing to talk about. and i know that an't the case. i have a 7yr old "step" girl that i'm looking to adopt. and she has done some things like that too, saying "well i want MY mom then" and "J**** would let me". she calls her birthmom by her first name half the time. she says these things and hasn't seen her birthmom in over 2 yrs. or really talked to her. i know at times it would be so much easyer if we could just look into there little heads to see what they are thinking. but we don't have that privlige. has she been around anyone that would have put the negitivity into her mind? those sound like some harsh words for a 4yr old to be talking about w/o someone talking about it. but yes keep those lines of talking OPEN! even at that age, in the later yrs it will come in handy. just keep telling her no matter what your here for her, and try to get her to talk about it. but no matter what happens keep your arms open till she is ready to be back in them. and good luck w/ all. take care.

[BabsCanada]

You have my sympathy and please know that you aren't the first or last to go thru this - when this subject came up with our 6 year old daughter, I turned to our social worker for help, and she said 'Absolutely normal'.
She is mourning a loss that she is too young to fully understand. I'd be willing to bet that if she met her birthmother face-to-face, she'd cling to you. We go thru this with our 6 year old, only she cries about missing her brother and sister. It is hard. Like your husband thinks you should do, I have backed off a bit; I was the one that went to the library and picked up children's adoption books and read them to her, and opened a whole volcano of emotions. Since then, I do not force the issue. I answer her questions as honestly as I can, and sympathize when she talks of missing her brother and sister. People tell me I will regret this when she is 16 and wants to run away to her 'real mother', and I just say, at least I'll know where she's running to, where is your 16year old going to go? And your 4 year old (going on 14) is testing those limits now. Be honest with her and tell her how much you love her and would miss her if she could leave. Reinforce the reasons her birthmother couldn't look after her, and the reasons you wanted her to be your daughter. I wish you all the best.

[debsdone]

This is a tough situation. I don't know if it will help but I will tell you what happened in my family. My youngest went through about 4 years of talking about her "other mommy and daddy". From about 4 to 8 or so. The funny thing is, she is our biological child! But that didn't stop her. She also mourned terribly for her grandfather, whom she never met. She spoke about this time and that time they were together. And also told stories about her "other" parents. It drove my other kids nuts. I just listened and took it in stride. She has always been a little odd. LOL So, if my non adopted girl is saying the same stuff, (complete with tears etc.) maybe we can call it a "stage'. Some little girls are naturally dramatic! Good luck to you! Love, Debi

[lucyjoy]

Maybe I'm off here, but it sounds to me more like she's pushy your buttons and b-mom's just the place she can think of to run.
Thinking up some creative ideas for those times seems like a good idea.

As for the sadness, ask lots of questions when she brings up missing her birth mom.(What do you miss? What does it feel like?) Talk less and listen more.

I wouldn't specifically not talk about adoption, but I wouldn't keep bringing it up either. Just be sure to answer any questions that come up.

[BabsCanada]

Ok, debsdone, I laughed when I read yours. Too funny.

Another note - when I sent a note to our social worker, and she called me back, she said she laughed when she read my note; which concerned me until she said 'Normal, normal, normal'.

'ewood', I hope you get lots of good advice from this site. Can you also contact the worker who arranged your adoptions? I can't tell you how relieved I was after talking to our social worker. They have seen it all you know! (tho perhaps not a birth child who talked about wanting her 'real parents').

All in all, best to be honest and open and available. The only true horror stories are about adoptive parents in denial.

This is a hard one, my daughter is 4 and knows she grew in J****'s belly. We read books about adoption and talk openly about adoption and answer all her questions. She has never questioned anything though. Have you contacted the birthmom to discuss what is going on and maybe have her reinforce the reason of why she placed. I would also not shut down communcation at this point, although I would let the children be the leaders of the conversation. I was always told don't provide more information then they ask about. I would also contact your agency and ask your caseworker for guidance.

[Jensboys]

Well today for the first time I got, (when denying a privilege and explaining that mom's have to set limits etc...) "Well your not my real, REEEEAAAAAALLLLLL mom!" Youch!!! No matter how much you are prepared for this it still hurts. I wanted to (but OF COURSE didnt) scream at him (almost 8) yes thats why I have laid my life down for you -- clean up your messes, love you to death, scrimp and save for the wonderful school you go to, and am going to drive 3.5 hours today to find you that one perfect christmas present you HAVE to have ... just because I am NOT a real mom!!! Dont I sound like a raving lunatic!!! No so instead I said ... "well I am not imaginary so I must be real. Your bmom, Lisa, she is a real person too and your foster mom, Debbie she is pretty real too ... and I am a real mom too, and no you still cant have chocolate chip cookies for breakfast". Of course, son number 2 (one year younger) takes today to pipe up that only son #1 is his "sibling", pointedly ignoring his other two brothers (our bio kids). So we ended up having a talk about some of the words that they hear ... like "biological sibling" and what that means ... because with four boys, two aa and two cauc. I always get asked "are they really brothers" and if I feel like answering I say "All my boys are brothers, but if you mean are they biological siblings, yes" . Son #1 (the not "real" one ) I think was just pushing to see my reaction. I often find when stuff like this comes up that they seem clingier after -- facing their fears and needing that reassurance. I think that for your daughter - I would simply say that I am glad that one day you want to meet your birth mother but 4 year olds must stay home with their parents" or something else reassuring. I know that my cousin at that age (3-6) often cried for her older sister that had died before she was born -- but eventually her mom came to see that the daughter was aware that she got a reaction (usually attention or sympathy) and began to provide a different type of validation ... I know its hard - you dont want to squish genuine feelings but you also dont want to be manipulated! Let us know how it goes!

[lucyjoy]

When my older kids do the real mom thing, I always do something "shocking" like faint or ask them what I'm doing there or ask for the rent money or where they're getting lunch. Younger kids wouldn't get it. I even had mini parties(ice cream time) to "celebrate" this news!! The newest kids always think I'm nuts, but the rest of the kids join the fun.

It takes the shock value out of it, so they don't use it a lot.

[ewood]

Thanks, everyone for the advice. My strategy is going to be to talk to her about it if she raises it, but not to initiate any conversation about it for a while. And I think that there is a lot in the suggestion that she is also using it to push my buttons, having seen how much of a reaction she could get the first few times. She has been more settled, the last few days...so perhaps she is feeling better for having expressed some of her sadness. And I think we did okay at validating those feelings; we certainly did not dismiss them. But I will keep an eye on her, for sure.
I appreciate your kind support.