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Originally Posted By Marcy

Hi everybody,

I've already posted this to a couple of other board, but this one looks to have the most recent additions so I'll try here too :-)

Six months ago we adopted a baby girl via a fairly closed adoption (non-identifying info which was the birthmom's choice). She was 28 days old when she came home to us. Ever since then I've been putting together two identical baby books - one for us and one for the birthmom (who requested pics once a year). The books include photos, a record of "firsts", locks of hair from the first haircut, the usual stuff that goes in baby books. I personally thought this was a super idea, but there are many of my friends and family (who, by the way, are not touched by adoption other than ours) who think that I went overboard and that I will only hurt the birthmom more by including stuff like the lock of hair etc. They think I should just send a few pictures and a letter saying how she's doing and that should be it. They base this on the fact that she wanted this fairly closed adoption plan.

Could you guys maybe give me some feedback on this? I'd very much appreciate it.

Marcy

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Originally Posted By Bonnie

Marcy, we are in a semi-open adoption (photos, letters twice a year through our agency) with our bmom. I have found that she really enjoys getting ALL we send. We recently sent a video of our son from his 2nd birthday. The social workers at the agnecy said she was thrilled. I personally feel that the more you are willing to include her in, the more secure she may feel about her decision.

I think what you are doing is wonderful. Good luck.

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Originally Posted By NicksterMommy

Marcy,

Is there a social worker who acts as a "middleman"? I'd ask her to ask the Bmom how she would feel about the book. I think it is a wonderful idea, although I'll confess that I never thought of doing it myself. I like Bonnie's idea about a video, too. You two are so creative!!

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Originally Posted By Marcy

Yes, there is a social worker acting as a liaison, and I will ask her to contact the bmom to see how she would feel about it. I just want to get some feedback from others in similar situations.

I really hope that she wants this book as I want her to know how much we cherish our beautiful baby girl and how much we appreciate the gift she gave us. You know, it's funny, but it never once occurred to me that her bmom may not appreciate having this baby book. I was really shocked when people started telling me that maybe it wasn't a good idea and that it had the potential to be hurtful. Sure, the bmom wanted no contact with us, but she DID ask for pictures once a year so I guess I was going on that. Thank you all for your replies.

Marcy

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I think what you are doing is wonderful. I only wish we could send our bmom pics. We adopted internationally. Ignore those who would try to discourage you, both here and in person

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Originally Posted By bina

Our adopted son is seven weeks old. His bmom absolutely loves having any and all photos. Think of it this way, if she doesn't want the book, she doesn't have to keep it. I think she will, however and perhaps more so later, over time.
I think it might be better to err on the side of supporting her with information and the reassurance that you cherish that child rather than witholding information that she may not even realize she might like.
Another option is to simply give the book to the middle person, and let the bmom decide if she wants it or not.. give her the control over it?
I think I understand your intention -- and it is a very wise and beautiful one. That is what matters. you are trying to show love and support. I don't think that can be wrong.
Anyway, many blessing to all of you.

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Originally Posted By TenderSoul a Bmom

I think its great what you are doing, I only wished my sons aparents were so kind, I would be thrilled and as someone said, I agree it may help make the bmoms feel more secure. If the bmom really doesn't want that much info or isn't please I'm sure she will tell you or you can go through who handled the adoption to ask her how she feels. As a Bmom I have to say "Thanks" its nice to see an adopted mom truely caring and giving. Best of luck.

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Originally Posted By aly

do not let people outside of the triad influence your judgement in any way .They do not understand about adoption.I am a birthmother & I would love & cherish that book. Maybe you can have an intermediary call her & ask her if she would like it before you send it to her. The lock of hair is a nice idea also.I still have a lock of my sons hair.

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Originally Posted By aly

hearing my bson voice on video filled that awful void of silence that consumed me when I came home from the hospital.It was truely a healing tool & I treasure each momment of the tapes.