[Jenn_hg]

Hello.
I posted in one of the other adoption forums on this site and they directed me here.

I have secondary infertility and after 2 years of TTC #2, 1 failed IUI, and 2 failed IVF we have decided increasing our family size with another bio kind is not in the cards for us. We have started down the long and daunting process of adoption but I am worried about a blended family.

We have a bio child- DD who is 2 1/2. I dont know anyone in RL that has a bio child and 1 or more adopted children so I wonder if this type of family even exists. I know I would love an adopted kid the same as the child we already have but I am worried that the adopted child will feel left out b/c DD is ours biologically.

Everyone tells us we are super parents. I am a SAHM, DH is a very involved father. It seems unfair that we were struck with secondary infertility but at this point I just want the family size I have always dreamed of (3 kids) and I really dont care how the kids come into the family. As far as I am concerned each kid that becomes a "Davis" will come into our family in the same way: through our hearts and through our front door.

Our main family and friends are very supportive of our decision to adopt. We do have a few friends that think we are crazy to want to adopt and dont understand why we are not grateful we have DD and just leave it at that. They think we will screw up our family and invite trouble if we adopt. These comments are hurtful and not constructive but they make me worry since I dont know anyone who has done this.

I came from a family of 4 (1 sister). We were both bio kids. I love my sister so, so much that I could not even fathom DD not having a sibling to share experiences with.

Is it wrong for me to try to push for my "ideal family size" when we were lucky enough to have DD biologically? I feel like DH and I are caught between 2 worlds- the world of the fertile myrtles who have 4+ bio kids and the world where couples do not have any bio kids and decide either to go complete adoption or childless. It is frustrating.

Also we are worried a birth mother will not choose us b/c we already have a bio child.

I am so upset. Any thoughts would be appreciated right now.

Thanks,
Jenn (35-Secondary Infertility)

[MaggieMay06]

Stop worrying (ha! easier said than done...) and go with your heart. Who cares what the nay-sayers think...this isn't their life, family or dream. I have a close friend who has 3 bio & 3 adopted. It works. I truly think it will work for you especially if you adopt 2...then the adopted child will not feel alone. Birthmoms choose adoptive families for lots of different reasons & someone will choose you because you have a lot to offer. Best of luck to you!

[thanksgivingmom]

Hi! I'm a firstmom that placed my daughter almost a year ago. I come from a large family (8 kids!) and would love love love for DD to have siblings. It looks like it won't be in the cards for her to have siblings in her adoptive family, but if her Mom had a previous bio child it would not prevent me from choosing her!

Be yourself and own your situation - you WILL match with someone!

[Mom2Max]

We have a bio son who is a little older than 3, and our DD was adopted. There are always worries and doubts of the unknown, but let me put your mind to rest. You will love any child who comes to your home through adoption just as much as a bio child. The moment that I held my DD in my arms I fell in love....Words cannot describe the love I felt , and feel, for her. Your children are your chidlren, no matter how they join your family.

Laura

[dragonfly1234]

Jenn I think you just told my story!

I so understand the feelings that you are currently going thru.

At one point I was convinced that my son was going to be the one and only. But with lots of saving money, praying and talking to dh we found an agency that was awesome. We had our youngest son in a matter of weeks once we had our homestudy approved.

Stay postive! We are here for you so ask all the questions you may have!

[MamaS]

There are lots of people in RL who have biological and then adopt. Think about it. Frequently it isn't even infertility -- it's sex selection. Have boys, adopt girl. Have girls, adopt boy. Jack Nicklaus comes to mind. If you want it, go for it.