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Originally Posted By Susan

I don't know what do. My husband and I brought our baby home last Sunday and by Tuesday I had fallen into a deep depression. I feel so lonely and isolated and trapped. I miss my life and my husband and I cannot stop crying. I keep thinking that I just want to give the baby back. How can this possibly be? After all we have gone through, I expected joy and happiness and relief. Instead it feels like I cannot breathe and I am wondering if I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I am scared and exhausted and so very lost.

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As far as being exhausted, that happens with babies. It is perfectly ok to let others help you when they can, such as making dinner for your family. Talk to your Dr. Your posts scares me and I would hate for the child to be affected by this. What were your reasons for adopting?

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Originally Posted By Millie

Your post scares me too. Please talk to your doctor as soon as possible. Is the child legally adopted by you yet?

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Originally Posted By Susan

I appreciate your replying to my message but I really need some support as a new adoptive and first time mom. I have a loving and supportive husband, good friends and a wonderful family. I am just overwhelmed right now and was hoping for some advice on how to get through the first weeks. I have already seen my doctor and he expressed that this is not at all uncommon with either biological moms or adoptive moms. So, again I appreciate your concern but I need support, not judgement.

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Originally Posted By birthmom Jamie

Read about post partum depression.Adoptive parents gop through this too.

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Originally Posted By Bonnie

Susan, what you are feeling is normal. When our sone arrived home, my husband was home for a week with me and then he went back to work. I felt so overwhelmed, confused and alone. I, too, kept thinking that maybe we made a wrong decision. But I soon discovered that it was the exhaustion talking.

Do you self a favor and take naps when the baby does, talk with other moms. Just don't isolate yourself with a newborn. Also, just remember, when they are that little, it's all work and not so much fun. But it quickly changes.

Our son just turned two and it was worth every sleepless night, the anxiety, the doubts and fears. Please hang in there. Keep posting messages to us. People are here to help. Good luck.

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Originally Posted By Karen

Susan,
I'm with Bonnie and Gaby - this is normal!!! Don't try to make too much of it; just take one day, or one hour at a time and get as much rest as possible. I'm the adoptive mother of twin boys who are now 20 months old. I can't even begin to tell you, without doing some MAJOR whining, how hard it was to get through those first months. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Why I didn't just instantly, deeply, and spiritually bond with the little guys when I first brought them home. I was so scared of them! And then I found out that even mothers who deliver their babies feel this way sometimes too and it all works out.

In retrospect,if I could do it over again, I would really try to relax, not be so hard on myself, and trust that God brought these new lives into my life for a reason, and enjoy them as much as I could. Its really strange that I was so stressed out during that time, and tired, that now I have a hard time remembering them as newborns.
It only gets better, Susan, hang in there. You're going to be a terrific mom!

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Originally Posted By Thank you Jamie!

Thanks for that warm welcome.I have read your posts, and you too have such warmth about you. We are close in age, right? How are you doing with your adoption plan? I imagine that we too can help one another! If I can ever answer any questions from an adoptee p.o.v..just let me know! Have a great day!

Mallory

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Originally Posted By To Mallery;; birthmom Jamie

Feel free to e-mail me any time at jamie0909us@yahoo.com

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Originally Posted By Susan

Thank you so much to those of you who replied with kindness, understanding and support. I had decided that I would never come back to any adoption message boards after I read some of the hateful and hurtful replies but you have restored my faith in peoples' generosity of spirit to reach out and help others. Again, thank you.

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Originally Posted By Susan

Mallory, I agree with you about how people on this board can be mean-spirited and hard-hearted. I was so dismayed and hurt when I read some of the replies to my message about the depression I have felt since my husband and I adopted a beautiful baby boy that I decided I would not return to the message boards. But then I read messages from people like Bonnie and Gaby and you and I realized that there is great kindness out there. Thank you for taking the time to make your thoughtful comments.

[sarajayneca]

Susan,

You wrote this email in 2001. It is now year 2003. My husband and I just adopted a 5 month old girl from Guatemala. We have a son who is 6 (biological). I am feeling somewhat similar to the way that you described in your 2001 email. I worry that I do not love this baby (and am not capable of loving this baby) the way that I love my biological 6 year old. I feel as though I am keeping her from being with an adoptive mother who will love her as completely and totally as I loved my son at 5 months old. I never expected to feel this way. My husband is very upset with me and thinks that I am just not trying. He thinks it just takes time. This baby girl is verty beautiful, bright-eyed, and I know enough about babies to know that she has a wonderful personality. She laughs easily. She cuddles. She is vocalizing and is very observant. I have no reason to not be able to comfortable with her. I know I am not paying as much attention to her as I did my son. I know with my son I never worried that I wouldn't be a good mother to him. I am taking good care of her, but I am not falling in love with her. I have recently read about post adoption depression. If there is anybody else who has been through this or can help me get a grip on this, I would appreciate it.

[Shoshana]

You wrote that you know you're not spending as much time with this child as you did with your son. I've read that if you hold the baby constantly (even with a baby sling), and spend excessive time interacting with her, that you'll begin to bond. I hear you say that you want to be fair to the child. Given that she has bonded, and others in your family have bonded to her, I think this holding & interacting activity is one concrete way that you can attempt to change things.

Psychologists know that it is almost impossible to change a feeling or emotion directly. For example, wishing you would feel differently typically won't work. In order to change an emotion, you need to approach it in an indirect manner -- e.g., by changing the behaviors (or thoughts) associated with the emotion. In this way, the increased holding and interacting, you are attempting to change the emotion indirectly via behaviors.

Best wishes...

[Shoshana]

I think this is a really important topic and am glad that you posted. If you find that you're not getting many responses, it would help if you would post under a new thread...

[Voidra]

Bonding with a new addition to the family doesn't happen overnight! I don't think that it's supposed to either.

I remember my Mom telling me this after my first child was born. I felt very strange the first few weeks and I told my Mom. She just smiled and said that falling in love with a baby takes a while. You have to get used to the work and change of lifestyle part first.

Rest assured that all will be fine. Be kind to your self and I bet in a few weeks you'll forget that you even felt bad.

When my youngest daughter had her first baby she went through terrible PP depression. I actually took care of her baby for the first five months while my daughter slept. But we supported her and now our beautiful Grand Daughter is 2 and has the most incredible Mom ever. My daughter and I have talked about what happened and we assure her that what she went through happens. We believe that the key is family support - and no criticism. Being upset only make the Mom feel worse and guilty.

I'm relating to a bi;ogical situation but we know adoptive Mom;s that have gone throught the same thing. My husband and i are almost finished with a special needs adoption and we know what to expect.

Always remember to take time for yourself and be kind to yourself! The sling idea is a good one too. Pretty soon you won't be able to put that precious little love bug down!

Good Luck and God Bless you all.