[cupcake17]

My husband and I were blessed with a daughter by adoption in late December. She is now 5 weeks old.
I don't feel like her mother, why not ? She is Perfect and adoralbe in everyway ! I am a employed as a nanny and I just feel like she is one of the kids I take care of.
Whats wrong with me ?

[ACmom]

Nothing is wrong with you!! Sometimes it just takes some time to get used to this little person coming into your life. We didn't get the 9 months of pre-bonding time. Give yourself some time and don't force it. You're around other kids and they take time and attention as well. Maybe just take a little extra time rocking and holdling and nurturing. You'll be fine! And congratulations!!

[Jensboys]

She is only 5 weeks old ... are you currently employed? Staying home with her? Having birthparent visits?

Sometimes it just takes time, but I promise you that it will come. The best advice the social worker ever told me was that sometimes you WONT feel it - and when you dont, you have to fake it. Love isnt a feeling - its an action. Keep acting like her mom and soon enough you will FEEL like her mom. But yes, spend as much time nurturing and caregiving her as you possibly can!

Jen

[sugarbabysmommy]

There is nothing wrong with you. I felt this way too, and to compound these feelings for me was the feeling that by not having an instant bond or attachment I was letting my child's birthmother down. When I reached out to my counselor she said to me that she hears this often, and that there will come a day, or night, when I will look down at my child, know that I am indeed their mom, and that I could be a mom to no one else. She was right.

[cupcake17]

I am currently working just 4 hours a day. Allie comes with me to work, we spend all day together. Birthparents not involved at this point.
I am so glad to know that I am not alone with this issue !

[AMom2Two]

(((cupcake))

My son is now 10 weeks and I felt similar to you.

I told myself it was because I had two failed placements and needed time to bond with this little guy. He came so suddenly. It was hard during the first 10 weeks of his life. He was very demanding. I remember one night at about 4 a.m. while changing him, he smiled at me. At that moment EVERYTHING changed. It will happen for you too. Wait until she smiles at you.
Hugs,

[spaypets]

I second what Jen said about faking it. You just do it until you feel it. We adopted internationally and my dd was 18 months old when she came home. Lots of times I felt like I was babysitting.

The night she threw up in the night and my first reactions was "OMG she's frightened, poor thing!" instead of "Yuck, I have to clean that up" I knew that I really felt it!

[Linny]

I agree that you might have to go through the actions......but sometimes, I also think this idea of 'faking it' can make things worse? After having adopted seven times (four have been infants), I can tell you that this is pretty normal. I would also tell you to not push yourself. And it would seem to be more common for you, having been a nanny for quite awhile. Kinda of like asking someone to enjoy every aspect of Disney World, when they had worked there for the past 10 yrs? LOL

At any rate, it may take time, but it will come (as the others have said). I sometimes believe that the more you might fake it, the longer it might take. My take is, relax, and 'just be'. If you don't try so hard and don't try to analzye it or believe 'this isn't normal'.........then you might feel less stressed and able to let it 'just happen'.

Just my take.......
And good luck. You'll be fine.

Sincerely,

Linny

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by Linny

And it would seem to be more common for you, having been a nanny for quite awhile. Kinda of like asking someone to enjoy every aspect of Disney World, when they had worked there for the past 10 yrs? LOL Linny

I can't stop laughing, so true...

good point Linny

[plgorzell]

I didn't feel like a mom I would say until that first smile. One that was really directed at me.

Second real mom feeling occurred when I received my first hug back.

That is when my heart melted.

[pingaa3]

Biological mother, adoptive mother, step mothers... not all mother feel like mothers at first. I know I felt like I wasn't the "real" mother, and was VERY sensitive to mommy criticism the first few months. The shrinks call it entitlement I think. I was worried about it too, until I talked to my girlfriend who was raising her biological child. She told me that she didn't feel like the "real" mom either.

I hate to say it, but it does take time.

Besides, if you're not the "REAL" mom, what are you the "FAKE" mom. Who would want to "fake mom" multiple midnight feedings, never ending dirty diaper/bottles, projectile vomiting etc. Only "REAL" moms are such gluttons for punishment!

Just take a deep breath and chant... "Not the mommy, not the mommy, not the mommy..." after that you'll probably feel silly enough to laugh and realize you ARE THE REAL MOM!

Inga
Lily's Mom

[moominmama]

It's fairly new but it's titled Post Adoption Depression. Not sure of the authors but that's the title.

Just like post-partum depression, post adoption depression is a very real thing and it happens to many of us. Not really feeling like a mom can be part of this. I know that with our daughter (who came home last March), I had a very difficult time. I was so sad for her birth mom and compounded with the lack of sleep, I felt unreal for the first few months. What helped was the support of my friends, many of whom could tell me that much of what I was experiencing was typical with the second kid (we have a bio son) and wasn't a sign that I was a terrible person who would never fall in love with my daughter.

I can't remember when it happened, when she truly felt like mine, but it was longer than I expected. I wish that I had found that book when I was going through it!!!!


Dawn

[ccwasson]

It is really great to hear that I am not crazy, also. We have a 14mo little girl and we brought home our little boy on Jan. 6. I feel like I am going through the motions. I have been off work since we brought him home and I am not the stay at home mom type. I am hoping when I get back to work, and back in the routine things will get a little better. My husband is having the same issues. He had the same "going through the motions" with our daughter and he is totally in love with her and so am I. Thank you for listening and Cupcake, you are not alone. Hang in there and it will get better. GOOD LUCK!!!!

Christy

[dyardley]

We have a bio son and are currently starting our adoption process. I have to tell you, the first 5 weeks with him were tough. I had been around a lot of infants, but never a newborn. I was SOOOOO unprepared for the fact that you get nothing as far as a response or emotions from a newborn, it seemed to be either crying or not crying. If I am remembering correctly, it seems like 6 weeks or so was the turning point. It really takes a while, it is the first smile, or when they look at you and it seems to mean something other than "I'm hungry" that you'll really feel the connection. Hang in there and look forward to your "moment", it's coming.

[mj77]

With my first son, it took about 6 months until I felt like a mom and not a big sister or a caretaker. I loved and adored him, bonded etc.. but had to pinch myself because I didn't feel like a "mom".

My second son, I felt like a mom, but didn't bond as quickly.

It's different for everyone, but I have heard sooo many moms state about 6 months can be normal for that FULL "mom" feeling to kick in. Many do it much quicker some slower.