[CordeliaS]

I understand how important it is for adoptees to know that they are adopted... but what if they're not told? My sister recently adopted a baby who looks like a biological child. My husband and I were planning on adopting a child as well, whether the child would look like us is unknown. My sister is planning on pretending the child is biologically hers. Is this harmful if the child never finds out... I don't think so... right? I'm only scared that someday my niece might find out she is adopted, and will think her parents lied to her. Any adivce would be greatly appreciated!

[BrandyHagz]

Yes its harmful, and to subscribe to the assumption that she will never find out is a little naive…because she will find out…either while her parents are alive or after they die, the truth will be known…and when she finds out her entire life was built around a lie, it will be one the most devastating thing she will ever have to face.

Hiding the truth as well as not supporting the different aspects that many adoptees face is the worst thing you can do to a child…

I am shocked and surprised that they were able to pass a homestudy based on what you’ve said.

[Shai's Mom]

I am an adoptive parent of an adorable little boy whom I love with all my heart. I also have a biological daughter who is already grown up and married

The thought of telling him that he isn't my biological child is difficult, but, it's his right to know. Lies have a way of coming back to haunt. It's not fair to him not to tell him.

We get to guide our children through their growing years, but, once they reach adulthood, they have to live their lives and hopefully apply the things we taught them. But, they'll never again be "ours" as they were during their growing years.

However, no one can ever take the joy of watching them grow and develop from us. So, even when or if my son goes looking for his biological family, the childhood years I had with him are mine. And, wherever he goes, whatever he does, he'll know that my husband and I are his parents, who love him with all their heart, unconditionally. And we weren't afraid to tell him the truth.

Another thing.. We also have a friend, a young man who was adopted as a newborn baby. When I asked him what I should tell my son, he looked at me and said "The truth. Never lie to him".

Hopefully I made sense..

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by CordeliaS
My sister is planning on pretending the child is biologically hers. Is this harmful if the child never finds out... I don't think so... right? I'm only scared that someday my niece might find out she is adopted, and will think her parents lied to her. Any adivce would be greatly appreciated!

It is harmful. And the child will find out. If your sister decides not to tell her daughter she will be lying to her, in the worst way. Your sister's lie is all about her and her needs not about what her daughter needs.

[CordeliaS]

Yes... I understand that... I guess I'll try to tell my sister and brother in law what you guys have said. I do agree that the decision to lie was most likly made to help feel the parents to feel more secure. I think they're worried that the child might not see them as "real" parents, which of course they are. Well hopefully they understand and do the right thing!!

[4everyellowskz]

I'm a bmom and this year my son's amom wrote me a letter telling me that she was not yet ready to tell him he was adopted. He is five now...and I was devasted. I'm not devasted by the fact that she basically discounted my act of choosing adoption. Rather, I felt bad for her and her husband and most importantly my son. She believes she is protecting him. She said she didn't feel he was ready to be told and didn't know when she felt the "right" time would be. The right time is from the beginning. I talked with my son's amom before I placed him with them at birth about this subject and she even asked me what I thought. I told her that she would be his parents and she would have to decide when the right time would be. I even suggested talking with a child psychologist. (This was all before I learned that the best time is to start from the beginning. There are age approriate ways to talk about adoption.) I say all this because while my son has everything I couldn't offer him when I made the decision to place him for adoption, he now could lose trust with the most important people in his life when he finds out the truth. The way I look at it is secrets are usually something bad we want to hide from people. Adoption is not a bad thing and I don't believe that my decision was a bad thing, rather a blessing. It's cliche' but honesty is the best policy all around. If you talk about it from the beginning it doesn't become a big deal rather something they've always known.

[goma]

My opinion....Telling the truth from the beginning would be really the best advice you can give to your sister.

There is a great probability of your niece finding it out sometime and that would be very harmfull not just for her, but for everyone involved.

Ask your sister to inform herself a little more about adoption. We can always learn from others´experiences, so that we try not to make the same mistakes..

Good luck!

[Linny]

I'm a firm believer that anyone should tell their child that 'they're adopted' from infancy...whether the child understands it or not. To 'not tell' is to give the message that 'adoption isn't as 'good' as birth'.....and that line of thinking is soooooo wrong!

Not only will she see the parents as untrustworthy (once the truth is known...and it will be-- at some time).....but from that moment, my reading is that the child will feel like the adoptive parents AREN'T really her parents! She will feel cheated and betrayed by them.

Adoption should not be viewed as a 'second thing to birth'.....but as a wonderful thing from the get-go. To keep it 'hidden' implies 'something is/was wrong in the first place'....and nothing could be further from the truth---except that this couple is choosing to lie to their child.

Sincerely,

Linny

[tlc4kidz]

As an adoptive mom of two children (who BTW we are told all the time look like one of us), I can't imagine NOT telling them. I believe that in their hearts they would know anyway, and why would I deny them their story? We are hoping to have an open adoption, so they will always know answers to questions that as aparents we just can't provide.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think especially in this day and age you HAVE to be open with your kids. How will your children be able to come home and talk to you about things such as drugs and sex if the most basic information about how they joined your family is based on a lie?

[Dmommab]

My brother married a woman with a small child (approx 16 months). They were not going to tell him that my brother was not his birth father. I was so shocked when I heard this, especially since my brother is adopted himself. I tried to tell them that this would not be a good thing to do but they would not listen to me. I told them that I would not tell Jamie (their son) unless he asked me but that if he ever came right out & asked me I WOULD NOT lie to him. They were not happy. After several years (almost 8) of trying to convince them they were not doing the right thing - and in the meantime my brother adopted Jamie - they decided to tell him. Well, it's a good thing they did because this past year (he is 17 now) he accidentally? met his birth father. Just so happens he lives next door to one of Jamie's good friends & he took Jamie over there to play darts & they started talking & the guy came right out & asked Jamie what his mom's name was & then proceeded to tell him he was his birth father. Not appropriate for him to do that like that either but that's just my opinion. Anyways, the moral of the story is if they had "lied" to him all those years he would have been very upset with them & rightfully so. Please encourage them to tell the child he/she is adopted from infancy as it will truly be better in the long run.

[InionGrinn]

Cordelia, thank you for your post. This is a really important topic to all involved in adoption, and my viewpoint in particular is as an adoptee.
I understand that for some adoptive parents it may be difficult to talk about the subject of adoption, but it is so so important for your sister's child to know about her adoption, regardless of how close she resembles her amom. In my opinion your sister should gird up the courage to tell her daughter very soon. I benefitted from knowing about my adoption story (a closed adoption, so it was a generalized story) from before I can remember. I was always told that my birthmother loved me very much but couldn't take care of me. That reiteration alone throughout my childhood helped me to respect and love the woman who chose not to parent me. I have never had feelings of rejection or abandonment, and I contribute that to the fact that I was raised with a healthy adoption outlook.

My amom and I also look very much alike - but I am really thankful that she raised me with the knowledge of my adoption.

Best,
Chrissy

[SchmennaLeigh]

Do we not attempt to teach our children that lying is wrong? That it should be avoided? How then can you turn around and lie to a child about something that is core to their being?

Hypocritical if you ask me.

[mumofone]

Our son looks just like us. In fact, when people find out he is adopted, they are shocked. We have been speaking very openly to him about adoption since he was a wee toddler. I cannot imagine having it any other way. Believe me, if your sister does not tell her child that he or she is adopted, someone else will. Without knowing, the child's life is being built around a lie.

Honesty is always the best policy.

[dl]

As an adoptee, I agree with the other posters that it is wrong to lie to a child about being adopted and believe that it does have the potential to cause great emotional harm.

My amother told me that she "practiced" telling me that I was adopted before I could understand. At some point it must have sunk in because I do not remember ever being told ~ it's something I have simply always known. It's never been a big deal at all ~ to me, any of my arelatives, friends of family or friends of myself. It was normal ~ some people are born into families and some join a family by adoption. As I never knew any different, it was normal.

On the other hand, I know two situations ~ acquaintances of my aparents ~ where children were lied to and the results were disastrous. One, a girl was told that her "father" was killed in WWII. Her Mother had a framed photo of her "husband", the girl's "father" on display. The truth was, her Mother had had an affair with a married man. This was in the mid 1940's and to publicly admit the truth would have labeled the child "illegitimate" and worse, not to mention what the Mother would have been called. The girl learned the truth when she was in her late teens ~ now the early 60's, still much less "open minded" than today ~ and the girl was horrified that she had been lied to, embarressed that she was "illegitimate" and even more horrified that her Mother had been "that type of woman". Instead of rebelling or being wild herself the girl became very strict with herself to prove that she was nothing like her Mother. Her relationship with her Mother never healed.

The second situation was a young man that was adopted as an infant and never told. His aparents had a biological daughter five years after adopting him. In the early 70's when he was 15 he learned the truth. He went wild, accused his aparents of favoring their "real child" (not true), got involved with drugs and got in trouble with the law. He never recovered and remained completely alienated from his parents. He died when he was in his early 20's. It was a drug overdose and it was never clear if it was accidental or a suicide.

These are two situations I have direct knowledge of. I have read many posts on the forum by adoptees that were lied to and learned the truth by accident when they were older or learned that they had been adopted after the death of their aparents. The adoptees posted how they felt horribly betrayed by their aparents. Very sad, but certainly understandable.

I agree with BrandyHagz that for for your sister

"to subscribe to the assumption that she [adoptee] will never find out is a little naive…because she will find out…"

The truth eventually will come out. Please print this thread and share with your sister.

[Dr. Art]

The research on this issue is very clear. The sooner the better. Just like you begin telling your daughter that she is a girl from birth, the same applies with adopted children. In that way the knowledge is something they have from their earliest memory and it is not a "shock" or "new" information. Generally, the later a child is told, the worse off. The child will feel that they cannot trust the parents because of the lies.

regards