[ember246]

I have been looking a little bit for a thread like this, but haven't been able to find one, if you know where there is one, please direct me to it.

DH and I are applying to adopt a foster child in Canada. His bparents will have parental rights terminated. (Bmom has three other children already adopted after rights terminated.) I am not worrying too much about attachment, as he is in my parents' foster home, and he knows me as a 'person in his life' (he's almost 2). We also plan on being open with him about how he came to be in our family (his adoption will be open).

Here's the worry - how do we explain to him that his mother did not "give him up because she loved him", but that he was taken from her? This has the potential to become a "my birth mom who loved me vs. my evil adoptive parents who stole me" issue. The thing is, his bparents can't care for him. Bmom's life is in so much crisis right now, I think she has "given up hope" of ever parenting him.

DH is worried that as a teenager this boy will want to return to the mother he was never allowed to have.

Any thoughts? Are we just being paranoid? I feel like love should cover it all, but I know that it will take more.

B

[Jensboys]

Hi B.

We too adopted two boys that were "taken" not placed. The boys are now 9 (almost 10) and 8. We talk about their birthmom and dad alot ... and have some ongoing contact with them as well.

We talk about how there are people whose job it is to keep kids safe, about how their birthmom was unable to take care of any child then (when they were born) in the way a baby needs. That their birthmom loved them very much, and she wanted to be able to take care of them so she tried her best - but her best wasnt good enough to keep them safe.

We talked alot about the process of the adoption - about how a judge and a social worker (so its not YOU) made the decision that the boys needed a safe family to grow up in. While they were choosing a safe family and while they were hoping that birthmom would get the help she needed to be able to take care of kids herself, the child needs to be in a foster home (in your case grandma and grandpa). When it was decided that the child had waited long enough for birthmom to get better the judge/swer etc picked a forever family.

I would also say that the letters and contact we have from the birthfamily has helped our boys see that it isnt a figment of our imagination. Our boys' birthparents have been very open in talking about what happened with the boys and saying how sorry they are. They, now, are very supportive of our relationship and we all work together for the betterment of the kids.

In your situation I would imagine that contact with the bio siblings would also help him understand alot that his bmom has ongoing issues that affected other children too. Our boys too have an older sibling that was adopted to another family (whom we cant find) and two younger siblings that are being parented by their birthmom.

[ingodshands]

"DH is worried that as a teenager this boy will want to return to the mother he was never allowed to have."

If his mother had given him up, instead of him being taken, you still have the same risk later in life.

It is natural curiosity for many adoptees, to want to find their birthmother/father.

I think all you can do is tell the TRUTH when the child is old enough to understand. Tell him what happened. If he decides later in life, he wants to find/contact his birthmother, then you both as his adoptive parents must respect that decision. It will be nothing personal to you both. You will find if you are supportive and honest with him, he will never leave you. But he might out of curiosity just want to know who his birthmom is, and have some kind of contact.

Hope this has helped. Good luck.

Collette

[ember246]

Thanks, Jen.

It instantly made me feel better that there are functioning families out there that have to deal with the same things. It's not always a worst case scenario.

It's funny, my parents have been fostering for 20 years and have adopted my brother and sister that way, but I still have these worries. I guess I know how I should feel, but just don't feel how I think I should. I know my mom will be a great resource.

Have a great one!

B.

[ember246]

Collette,

Thank-you.

You are right, wanting to return to a bmom is always a risk. It worries us a lot because my asis, who always knew her bmom, turned to her bmom's lifestyle as a teenager and got into a lot of trouble. It was (and still is) heartbreaking to see my mom go through it all, trying to help, but being pushed away. I know my mom wouldn't trade it, and there is hope that my sis will "come back", but it's been a long road, and we have to be very sure if we are to go down this road with our ason.

Thanks again for your words and support.

[ChristaIL]

Hi there,

I felt the need to post a reply here as I am a 29 yr old adoptee who was 'taken' rather than 'given up'. I was taken by the Illinois Dept. of Children and Family Services and they did not share why I was 'taken' from my bparents. My aparents told me when I was very young, but they have not been open to discussion about it and refused to help me with my search. For that I rebelled and had some animosity towards them, but I was never upset with them in the thought that they 'stole' me. I have always been clear on the fact that I was 'taken' by DCFS, not my aparents. They were just a couple who wanted a child they couldn't have on their own, and I happened to be available. I think as long as you are open to discuss the adoption and as honest as you possibly can be, your child will appreciate what you've done for them and how you've helped them have a good life. Although to some degree it hurts me to know my bparents were not able to take care of me for whatever reason that caused me to be taken, I do know that I was given a good life and that it may not have been that way had I been left with my bparents. I was raised in Chicago, and though I've seen alot of good in the city, I've also seen alot of children born in poverty or living with parents who would rather spend the few bucks they have on drugs/alcohol instead of diapers... and though I want to think that wasn't the road with my bparents, no one really knows... and I'm glad I've had a better upbringing, and now one day when I find my bparents maybe we'll have a healthier relationship than we would have back then?? Either way, I have never blamed my aparents for my being 'taken'... not because they told me it wasn't their doing, but more simply, it just never even crossed my mind! I don't know if this helps at all... but just be honest with your child about anything you may know and they will appreciate you for it so much more than some aparents think.

thanks,
Christa
born 11/7/1975
Adopted 12/31/1975 from Elgin, IL DCFS

[ember246]

It's great to hear from someone who has "been there, done that". Something in what you said made me think that I am over-analysing, over-worrying this and that if we are open and honest in love from the start, things will come as they come. We can't prevent everything from happening, but we can pave the way to a supportive relationship with our son and his brelatives.

As it was said earlier, he will have some kind of a relationship with his bsiblings, so he hopefully won't feel alone in being "taken", if that's how he feels. I have only daughters, I have absolutely no experience with how boys think and behave.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

ember,

Thank you so much for asking that question. I am in the process of adopting our 2 fc and was wondering the same things.

All of you that responded gave me so much valuable information, Thank you!

Christa, I especially thank you for your response. I appreciate you having the courage to speak up from the "child's" point of view.

Jensboys, I loved the way you explained things to your children. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to "steal" your ideas - Thank you.

[c.a]

What a great thread. I adopted my son who came to us as a foster child at 11 months. He's now three.

I completely agree with Jenn. Also read her blog about her boys and their journey. It is wonderful and very informative for those of us on this journey. You can find the link to her blog on her public profile. I hope you don't mind, Jenn, but your blog was a real inspiration to me on a day when I needed it.

Two things that I find helpful on this journey: (1) Friends who have had similar experiences. These forums are great - and it helps to have a local, personal connection too - like your parents I am sure will be for you. I am very lucky that there are three families at my church who do foster care and eight families who have adopted, some through foster care, some domestic private and some international. There is one boy at church who is one year older than my son who was also placed in forster care as a baby. His mom and I make a point of doing things together so that our boys will have someone else in their lilves with a similr background - hopefully it will help them feel less "different" than other kids. But even if they do feel different, maybe they can be different together. (2) We read books about adoption and books about different kinds of families. There are several for toddlers - I love Todd Parr's "The Family Book" and "The Adoption Book" wonderfully colorful books that celebrate the many ways to be a family.

Sounds like your parents will be a wonderful support. Good luck on your journey.

[joskids]

3 of our adopted children were "taken". We tell them that their birth mother's could not take care of any child at that point in their lives. If you say "she couldn't take care of YOU", they may feel that was something wrong with them. I make a point of telling them that their biological siblings also did not live with their biological mothers and that, I think, makes a difference.

[c.a]

Thanks, Josie -

I really like your point. You are right.

C

[cetalley]

As I feel with ALL adoption, one should always tell the truth. One day when the children are old enough, simply tell them she loved them very much, but because of circumstances in her life , she was unable to give them what they needed. But it was not because she did not love them, quite the opposite! these circumstances were obviously beyond any control at that time in her life. GOD simply chose you and their dad to be the ones to take them into your heart. I believe that truth really is the best, especially when raising children. JMO.....

[mrsred]

We have adopted two from the foster system. Our son was removed from his birthmother when he was almost four. He has memories of his life with her. They are not good memories. But when we talk about his birthmother I tell him that she loved him very much, but she had didn't know how to take care of a child as she was not taken care of very well when she was a child. I tell him that she was very young, and very confused, but always remind him that she did love him, even though she didn't know how to be a mommy.
Our daughter was nine when she came to us. She was removed from her birthmother when she was five, but had lived with her grandmother from the time she was removed till she came to us. Her mother was strung out on drugs for over fifteen years. We talk about addiction, and how damaging it is, and how addicts just cannot make good choices, and she was not able to keep T safe. It is good also because it is a good opener for discussing drugs and alcohol. Since her mother was an addict, and T was prenatally exposed to drugs she herself will be more prone to addiction. We do have an open relationship with her birthfamily, but I monitor contact carefully as bmom still makes some pretty bad choices, even without the drugs.

[Larry_Kilburn]

Child might be given or taken but the main thing is to care for him/her..We should give them the best as much as we can.

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

Hi B.

We too adopted two boys that were "taken" not placed. The boys are now 9 (almost 10) and 8. We talk about their birthmom and dad alot ... and have some ongoing contact with them as well.

We talk about how there are people whose job it is to keep kids safe, about how their birthmom was unable to take care of any child then (when they were born) in the way a baby needs. That their birthmom loved them very much, and she wanted to be able to take care of them so she tried her best - but her best wasnt good enough to keep them safe.

We talked alot about the process of the adoption - about how a judge and a social worker (so its not YOU) made the decision that the boys needed a safe family to grow up in. While they were choosing a safe family and while they were hoping that birthmom would get the help she needed to be able to take care of kids herself, the child needs to be in a foster home (in your case grandma and grandpa). When it was decided that the child had waited long enough for birthmom to get better the judge/swer etc picked a forever family.

I would also say that the letters and contact we have from the birthfamily has helped our boys see that it isnt a figment of our imagination. Our boys' birthparents have been very open in talking about what happened with the boys and saying how sorry they are. They, now, are very supportive of our relationship and we all work together for the betterment of the kids.

In your situation I would imagine that contact with the bio siblings would also help him understand alot that his bmom has ongoing issues that affected other children too. Our boys too have an older sibling that was adopted to another family (whom we cant find) and two younger siblings that are being parented by their birthmom.

Always interesting to me when old, OLD threads pop up I originally wrote on this thread in 2004. My sons were then 8 and 9 ... now 12 and almost 14. We took my 13 year old to reunite this summer - and yesterday I was cleaning out an under the stairs closet and asked him if he wanted his "file" because it was easy to access. His answer - is it big? Yes its big. Would I have to read it all? Yes, well its all information. Do I know everything? yes you know everything. Ok then no, just leave it in there.

So my advice -- now all these years later is pretty much the same. Be HONEST -- even brutally honest, and know that the truth with eventually come out, but be COMPASSIONATE and supportive at the same time. Raising kids that come from troubled backgrounds takes more than love - it takes wisdom, strength, honesty, advocacy etc etc etc