[bbinert]

I am in need of feedback from people who may have experienced similiar feelings regarding bonding.

I am an adoptive father of my 6 year old Neice. My wife and I also have 2 birth children ages 3.5 & 6 months. Our paper work is literally in the mail making our adoption final. We have been competing with former foster parents for 2 years now. These foster parents have adopted her half sibling (my Nephew). This has been going on now for 3.5 years. It is nearly over, so I thought.

There has been a great deal of emotion and struggle to keep this child in our home. It became very controversial when we had asked these foster parents to give us time without contact between them and my daughter/neice. We had always wanted and agreed that contact between sibling should remain and we encouraged it. These people could not understand that we were merely trying to encourage our bonding with her. We've always read and felt that the single most important relationship an adoptive child will have is with their adoptive parents.

My wife has come to me after 2 years, after we've already signed papers, that she doesn't want this anymore. My wife is a very loving person and works with children in her profession. However, she claims she feels trapped & obligated. She has so much resentment for what we've been through. Looking back, she has become a different person at home in the past 10 months or so. I am wondering if it post pardum from the birth of our daughter 6 months ago? My wife wants me to make a decision.

How can I choose between my life with my wife and birth children or my adoptive daughter and probably visitation of my birth children? I am angry that the woman I love has asked me to do this? I obviously feel so much more for this child and accepted all responsibilities including unconditional love.

We've been in family therapy for 2 years now but had taken a break from it because of the "progress" we had made with my Neice. We have made new appointments to continue therapy and begin again this week.

[Missy M]

My heart goes out to you....what a place to find yourself in. I think its very wise of you to recognize that your wife may indeed be experiencing some harmonial changes and the effects of her recent birth and basically just plain old stress...IMO returning to therapy is a good idea.
I am sorry I personally have no advice but hang in there, there are some very wise people here and I hope they will help you out.
You are in my prayers...MissyM

[bumpkin]

I am so sorry for the position you find yourself in. I agree with Missy that therapy is in order, for sure. Perhaps your wife is getting "cold feet" because it is in the final stages. I wish you the very best of luck.

Bumpkin

[lucyjoy]

After signing papers and keeping this child from other parents is a little late for your wife to speak up. However, while traumatized children often appear healthy and normal to dads, they often target moms and will constantly push mom's buttons until she thinks she's nuts. Add a baby and a toddler on top of that and it can hit overwhelming. My son would literally be the most miserable, abusive child I'd ever seen, keep and eye on the clock and as soon as dad walked in, nice, sweet, happy child. Any chance the child's playing both sides? Has your wife had a break since the baby was born? Does your wife understand that by signing those adoption papers she became that child's legal mother and doesn't have the option of walking away? Does the therapist you're using know anything about attachment? Can your wife see a therapist on her own to help her deal with her feelings? Why do you think if your wife chooses to leave your adopted daughter that she has the right to take your other kids?
Sorry if I sound angry, I'm sure your wife is really burnt out and tired. I hope the therapy helps. Make sure she's getting some time to herself.

[bbinert]

Thank you all for your immediate post. My wife has indicated in the past that this child does in deed treat her differently than she does treat myself. We both knew early on that bonding was going to be more difficult with my wife because of the possible issues my neice/daughter may have towards any mother.

In the past several months we have made a point to take an afternoon or evening to ourselves every 2-3 weeks. We'd go for dinner or maybe even a movie. I am constantly encouraging her go out with friends or start a hobbie. We had been planning a trip for just the 2 of us for our anniversary. We've never left the kids before. Come to think of it, this trip was the most excited I had seen her in quite some time. Perhaps, I should really build this trip up so it is something she can look forward to. Plan to do things that we normally don't do. (If it doesn't include a Disney movie, pull-ups, or wet wipes that will probably do it)

I'm honestly praying that she can come to terms with this. I am hoping that this is just some sort of emotional roller coaster because of hormones and the daily stress of raising young children. Thank you again for your feed back.

[riley6]

Lucy said everything I was thinking when I read your first post. The other thing I was going to recommend is that she become involved in an adoptive parent support group. If none in your area, have her come here to the attachment board. We all understand her feelings there and will support and not judge her.

We've had our kids almost 3 yrs. When we went to the lawyer's office in Dec to sign the papers to submit to the courts, I had a panic attack. All of a sudden, the reality that these kids are going to be my responsibility for the rest of their lives, hit me. It hit me real hard, bc of the things we've gone through with them. Both of the younger kids have attachment disorder. Only with the help of a therapist trained in Attachment Disorder have we been able to make headway with their healing.

Have her come talk to us!

Good luck!