[Dawnzlight]

Update: After talking last nite, my son went to bed very angry, upset that I wasnt letting him take today off from work to go get his drivers permit. I didnt get emotional, just stated matter of factly, that I wasnt willing to do that with him after the incident that morning. My husband backed me up and added some of his own stipulations. He is a smart man.. (smiles)

Today we will be drawing up a contract with it all in writing. I dont know why I didnt think of this, I used to do it with all the foster children we had when we were fostering.

My son apologized to me this morning, and it was a genuine one, and said, "why do I have to have my back against the wall, or ultimatums on me, to do the right thing?"

I told him, I think its the structure, he still needs major structure in his life, so perhaps pursuing a military career is not such a bad idea... I have been having visions of him being thrown in military jail due to his insubordination or some such thing! silly mom I am.

Thanks for the responses, I would love to see how others have done with contracts with their older children. And emotionally delayed young adults... cause our son really is about 4 years younger than his bio age.. he really acts like a 14 year old most of the time.


Love and Laughter,
Dawn

[Howdy]

Have you read the book "Can this Child be Saved?" (I'll paste a book review of it down below), it is very scary (full of stories like yours) but I think it should be required reading before any older child adoption.

My cousin had/has RAD. He was adopted from a foreign orphanage when he was 2 yrs old, but either 'attachment parenting' hadn't been discovered yet or else my aunt & uncle didn't know about it (or else it didn't work), because he was a scary child, wound up living in RTC for some years, and then spent his teenage years terrifying my aunt and other cousin (my uncle had died by then of a heart attack, never occurred to me, but maybe my scary cousin contributed to it). Luckily for my aunt he got thrown in jail (for armed robbery) for a few years as soon as he was an adult, and she moved from their suburban house to a small apartment where (after he got out of jail) she could honestly say she just didn't have room for him to move in. He was still scaring her for a while in his twenties, but by his mid-thirties he straightened out a lot, not exactly an exemplary person, but has a job and actually bought my aunt a birthday present last year. It was big news in the family, so that sort of indicates how his past behavior has been!

When I read posts from people who say people should accept a child and not even consider 'returning' it, I always think "they should have my cousin as a kid and then say that". I'm waiting to find an older child to adopt, but I never would have done this without knowing I have the option not to finalize. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in fear of my child killing me (especially after reading 'Can this Child be Saved' which mentions adoptive parents that were killed by their children).

Here's one of the reviews of the Can this Child be Saved book from Amazon.com:
"For anyone thinking about adopting an older child, this book is a must read but put it LAST on your list. If I had read it first, I probably would have dropped the idea altogether. It is full of frightenning examples of how adopting an older child can lead you and your family down a path to ruin. It does give techniques to deal with and hopefully change some of the disturbing behaviors you may encounter. Most important, it tells you what issues a child has that may lead him to these behaviors.

It will arm you with knowledge needed so when you're given a referral, you'll have a much better chance of choosing a child who will grow and thrive in your family instead of tear it apart. There are so many kids waiting for adoption that CANNOT be saved no matter how you try. You owe it to yourself and your family to read this book. It can help you make the right choice that could literally save your lives."

[Dawnzlight]

Gosh, no, I havent read that book, but have seen and read about adoptive children murdering their adoptive parents.. I may read that book, during the day, with all the lights on, the door locked..LOL.. Actually it cant be anyworse than living the nightmare... I too have been terrorized..and we lived in a one bedroom apartment, and just 3 weeks ago, moved to a 2 bedroom, so he could live with us and get on his feet, I believe it was a mistake, we will see.


I am glad there are more resources out there, again, to educate and support.

Thanks for sharing!

[jabezfaith]

Hi,
He loves you more then you will ever know. I was that kid when my mom adopted me twenty-three years ago. I wasn't has aggressive as your son but I wasn't far from it. I was six when i was adopted and all trust in anyone had been gone from me. I thought i lived in a world were everyone was against me no matter what they said. My mom tried everything and gave me everything, but it was never enough. Not until I was in my late twenties did I stop blaming my life on my past and began to unterstand that the things that happened in my life when I was young was not my fault and that everyone in my life wasn't out to hurt me. I still deal with learning to trust and deal with people it isn't an easy process. Your son will come around eventually but even though you are trying to help him you may be only hindering him. At some point in his life he has to unterstand that his past is his past. He has to feel the love from others and not just hear it. I love my mother more then anything in the world today even though she adopted she is the only mother i know. Your son is probably so afraid of letting someone in that aggression is his defense mechaism. Continue to pray and fast only God can handle him sometimes all God wants is for us to let a situation go so He can work it out.

[Dawnzlight]

WEll, shoot... another attempt, another time of turning our lives upsided down, trying to do right by this young man that we love so.

After a major tantrum, which escalated into a rage, this 18 1/2 yr old 'ran away'.. ::: smiles wryly:::: After about 6 hours, we got calls from several people that he was calling them to say we kicked him out, barefooted and jacketless. Not true to the first 3, and the jacketless part was his choice when he flew out the door in his fit.

Worse.. we were told that he was telling people that I sexually abused him.

Now, I know all about transference, and all the psycho babble that goes with it... I understand.. I know...I know.. I know.

But that was one of the most hurtful things he could have ever said. And potentially very damaging outside of 'hurting my feelings'...

He is no longer welcome to live in my home. I just cannot put myself in the dangerous positions that he ultimately produces.

I am sorry if this doesnt seem like a happy ending... and I know its far from the end, but this is the phase we are in and I as an adoptive mother am heartbroken.. I feel like I have wasted 10 year of love, time, counselors, programs, churches, family, and finances.

I will heal, and I will move on..and do I hope that others don't walk the path that I have? sure do..but it appears more and more that I am not so alone in this type of drama.

Thanks for all the responses...

Dawn

Dawn, I am sorry!!

[HarrysGirl]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

You tried, you did your best and it just didn't work, that
was not your fault. You did nothing wrong except try and
help a child that needed you.

You have heard it said "love is not enough" and unfortunatelly
it is so true. The problems your son has are not your doing
there are some problems that are genetic and no matter how
hard you try you can't change somethings.

He may come into his own eventually and remember all you
have worked to teach him over the years.

People who know you will not believe his lies.

Sending positive thoughts and vibs your way.

[Linny]

Dawn:
I too am sorry for what you have had to deal with. We have been in a similar situation. Our son continues to live in RTC.......and will either be transitioned to live in their continued facilities, or will be turned out on the streets in three years. We tried for four years. The state system misrepresented him to us, and after four years, we were able to obtain the info they were to have lawfully supplied to us....info we asked about time and again. Did they know about it? Yes. Their names and contact into are on every document. Were we 'duped'? Yes. And, like you have said, you are NOT alone. There are many families who have been led astray with the 'love is enough theory'.

I won't go into my thoughts on RAD (which is one of the primary problems with our son,...adopted at age 7yrs.)........but suffice to say, I do not believe the chances for 'healing' are very good----unless the child is extremely young when brought into his/her forever home. And, finally, the kid has to WANT to change. (A condition our son refuses to consider.)

While we also live in fear that he will 'come back'.......he is also many miles away at this time. We're hoping for the best for all of us as the years go....

I wish you the best in the future. Your attempts were not in vain. These kids are 'something else'....and certainly not to be taken lightly. And, if you feel like I do.........as long as we are able to tell any people who are considering older child adoption-----to DO THEIR HOMEWORK.....then I feel that we help some, along the way....

Most sincerely,

Linny

[sadie_lynn]

Hi,
I have a 13 year old that treats me the same way and have had for almost 2 years. He is actually my husbands nephew. We adopted him and his brother, his brother is 11 with the mentallity of a 5 year old. My 13 yr old is very abusive to me and his brother. He was also abusive to his foster mom. We have trie everything under the sun to help him and i love more than words can say, but where do we go from here. Honestly, I want him out of my home so he can't hurt his brother and the pets anymore. He is verbally and mentally and sometimes pshysically abusive. We ahve done for him and done for him and he still wants more and treats me like I'm dirt. Sometimes worse. I love him so much and it hurts me to know he is suffering inside. But now I just want him out of the house and away from us. To meet him for the first time you would think he was the best child ever. I feel like I am giving up and I told him and myself I would never do that, but now I just want out of the adoption and to have him gone. I know alot of people out there think I'm the worst mom in the world for feeling this way but I'm sorry I can't cope anymore.

[HappyMomAnna]

sadie_lynn--

Oh my goodness this must be very difficult I am glad you have signed into this forum you are very much not alone in your experience or your feelings....

Do you know how to make a new thread? I worry your issues might be lost being posted here at the bottom of an older thread... I would like as many people to hear your situation as possible so please make your own thread so that you can get the kind of support you need....

[lucyjoy]

I don't think your a horrible mom. Your trying to help a traumatized child and being traumatized yourself in the process.
Have you researched what your options are in your state with your circumstances? You do have a right to live in peace.
Have you used attachment therapy or any of the theraputic parenting techniques?

[bowser1952]

well i am adoptee boy, so with me being somewhat a lil trouble, but only came after my adopted dad died, i was only 13 when he passed, i was adopted at 2 yrs old.... though my adopted parents were very strict with my dad a col. in military.... by the time i was 17 yrs old i was in trouble, but mind you i never ever talked back to my adopted mom nor never put my hands on her and did not steal from her( i never knew nor don't know anything of my b/parents ) so maybe i shouldn't be saying anything in this fourum. , i just got in the wrong group and ended up in prision for 1 yr for theft..... but my adopted mom stood by me the whole time, by the time i was 21 i had to marry coz my gal friend got pg, i was told to do what was right and i did ( thats how my adopted mom was ) she said take your responsiabilty like a man, but my problem was drinking and i did some drugs too, but i paid the price , ended up being married 3 times and most only lasted 6 mos to a yr, but my 4 th marriage i don't know how or why my lil wife put up with me coz i had some problems during our first 3 yrs of marriage but if it weren't for her i would be dead today, she saved me and i have been with her for 21 yrs now, this is what my lil wife told me ... it's either me or the drugs & drinking thats was my choice and she started packing her bags and said call her daddy to come get here, she said if you really want a good life and all that comes with it the choice is yours, but she refused to live that type of life i was living at the time and tears rolled down her pretty cheeks and she said i'll be here when you are ready and she started to walk out the door and i then knew someone my lil wife cared more for me than i ever knew.... what i am saying is becoz of that day and what she said i got help and her family stood with us all the way..... within 6 mos i was clean .... i know many of you are going through rough times with your adoptee, my wife and i took in her brothers 3 ( 9 mos, 3 yrs & 6 yrs of ages )childern as dhs was involved and they were going through a devorice process ( their mother had abandoned them while the dad was at work ), the niece was aweful throwing fits banging her head , jumping out of car just crazy thangs and couldnt get her to do anythang, well one day my wife got tired of it and she told niece thats it its high time you learned your lesson, she took the niece back to dhs and told them gotta do something cant take it anymore, dhs set niece down in private showed her something of a horror what happens to childern that are left alone ( yep a film of child abuse in real life ) and then they made her appolize to my wife and then they let my wife spake her butt real good , no she didnt hurt the niece, but from that day on that niece never once was disrespectable toward us again... it usually takes an outsider to get what needs to be done, but also no matter how old na child is as long as they living under your roof they must mind and respect you...

[Yash]

Dawnzlight,

I just found this topic. Have things improved between you and your son?

Yash