[nikig]

My 8 yr old's biological father just voluntarily signed over his parental rights. My husband wants to adopt my son. My attorney said that she thinks with a home study, the social worker has to discuss my son's understanding and feelings about being adopted. the problem is, he has known my husband since he was a baby and has no idea about what is going on. his biological father was never around. does anyone know if this has to be discussed? My son is not mature enough to deal with this information. I know we have to tell him some day, but now is not the time! I don't mind the social worker talking to my son, but I am not ready to tell jared that the my husband is not his biological father. any information about this?

[2boyz1girl]

Maybe it differs by state, but I'm not sure why you even have a social worker involved . My dh also adopted my biological son and we didn't have to have a homestudy. They did require that he live in the same house for 1 year, and dh had to have an FBI background check done.

However, I would STRONGLY recommend that you tell your son the truth about your husband not being his biological father. My son is almost 9 now, but has always known that my husband adopted him. My 2-yr-old, who is also adopted, will always know. We talk about it openly -- they CAN handle it. The sooner you tell him, the better. You don't want him to find out down the road and KNOW that you've lied to him his whole life and wonder what else you might not have told him.

[nikig]

i live in texas. i really dont understand why we have to have a home study. i mean, jared is still going to live here with my husband whether he adopts him or not! I know I need to tell my son, but I dont know how. He is a really sensitive little guy. and his biological father is a loser.

[2boyz1girl]

So, who told you that you needed a homestudy? Maybe you do, but you might just want to call around to a couple other attorneys experienced in step-parent (not just straight adopt) adoption and ask about it. Or try to research your state's laws regarding step-parent adoption.

If you want some good suggestions on when/what to tell your son, there are some EXCELLENT members on this site who I'm sure could give you much better advice than I could. Post a "When should I tell him?" Thread on the General Adoptive Parent Support forum and you'll probably be overwhelmed with responses. I'll warn you though -- this site is very pro-openness.

One thing I would suggest though, is that when you do tell him, you focus on the fact that your husband is his Dad (whether he's adopted him or not). Any male can become a father, but it takes a real man to be a Dad. Good luck!

[NDN]

In Oklahoma, I don't think that you need a homestudy for step parent adoption.

I would like to say that the longer you wait to tell your son about his bio father, the harder it will be for him. While you may not think that he is mature enough, I think he should have known long ago. As he grows he will understand the difference in the man that contributed the genetic material and the Dad.

[spaypets]

Is your son's last name different from your husband's? I'd suggest using that as a starting off point. And tell him now, rather than waiting until adolescence.

Here's a story you might find instructive. A childhood friend of mine never knew that his "Daddy" wasn't his bio father. I suppose his mother never intended to tell him. But when he was about 16 he started dating a girl--a girl who it turned out was his half sister (same father) -- naturally his parents had to tell him then--it was pretty upsetting at that point (and sort of icky to know that he'd been dating his sister).

The story ends sadly--he was killed in a stupid accident when he was 18.