[laurie25]

My first child was given up 8/15/00.My second child was given up 11/25/01.My third child is about to be given up 12/7/02 if not sooner.They are all going to have different names,obviously than what I would've given to them.I believe I have found the greatest parents I could to raise them,as I am not concerned about their financial situation as I am is if the children will be raised to know that they are loved and cared about no matter what.I didn't give them up because I didn't want them.I was looking realisticly at my situation.No money,support,transportation.And to be honest emotionally I don't know if I am really that stable because I would most definitle have trouble letting any of my children walk out of the house in fear that would leave me and never return.I Love all 3.And always will.I had my first child,a girl for 3 weeks.I was living in a homeless shelter.I got a 5-day notice to leave the shelter.Those 3 weeks I spent with her were the happiest 3 weeks of my life.Now,I might only be 25 years old,but for the rest of my life on this earth,nothing will come close to that happiness.Now she is gone.Now they are all gone.I feel like I am a bad mother who didn't do enough.I'm making 3 couples happy,I'm doing an un-selfish thing,a brave thing people say.I have been numb to all this for 2 years.I don't know if I will ever deal with it because it is the hardest thing,to give up part of me 3 times,knowing what I was doing when I went out here,having sex unprotected,knowing I couldn't take care of them.What was I thinking?Well,anyways I guess I must 'feel' something about it,I am obviously writing this for a reason right?I am sorry it took up so much space.Just wanted to write this,my feelings on being a B/mom.Thank you for reading if you were able to read this whole thing! Laurie

[Dana Wessoly]

You sound like you have very low self esteem by your writing, I think you made 3 families very happy!! An abortion would have been much easier and for what ever reason you had for not getting one, money, religion etc... you are very brave. Do you have any family? 3 children is alot, in the future for your own safety please use protection. If you need to talk my email is dana@sichondesign.com, I am a 29 yearold mom, also an adoptee

[BMlaurie]

Hey Laurie! I'm 19 and my son was born on Aug. 22, 2002. He's just 3 mos old so all of this pain and agony is still very new to me. I was wondering if you've had a chance to grieve any of your losses? It kinda sounds like you're just replacing your pain from your first loss with that of another, and that's so not helping you, my girl!

There's sooo many emotions that I'm feeling right now - anger, jealousy, hurt, sadness, emptiness...ALOT of emotions flying through me. Some people experience that right away but for some people they do just become numb as you had said you're feeling. Usually when that happens it just causes more troubles down the line for you. It sounds like that's the case for you, hun. All of those feelings are ones that all bmom's are totally entitled to be feeling and I'd really worry about you more if you weren't.

I can completely understand tho. There are some days for me when I just feel numb too and I wonder why I don't feel anything at all..those are scary days for me because I know that I'm just going to explode some day, as I should...as YOU should. MY GOD THO... going through all of this ONCE was definitely hard enough. I cannot imagine all of the trauma and heartache you're going through - or will go through some day.

I really agree with Dana, Laurie you are wonderful. To give life to not only all of these children but to three very lucky families was very courageous of you. It almost sounds as tho going out and having unprotected sex is almost like a coping mechanism for you. You are well aware of the consequences tho and I do really beg of you not to put yourself through this ordeal again.

This website really seems to help me out. I'm new here but it's so nice being able to talk to people who can actually relate to what I'm experiencing. Some of the topics get me really fired up sometimes but expressing that to others and talking about how all the aspects of the adoption journey makes you feel seems to really help me out. Maybe it'll help you out too. I wish you all the best!

Laurie

[KAT63]

I am touched by your messages. I hope you won't mind hearing from the other end of the adoption triangle. I am an adoptive mother. Our fertility and infertility by chance brings us together--we share very different kinds of loss but all adoptive mothers understand the power of the precious gift they have received and are awed by the women with the loving souls who are able to give it. The pain of loss is something both birth moms and adoptive moms understand very well. Somedays, as I look at my 15mo old daughter, I weep for the woman who cannot be with her. Somedays I weep for the 8 years of trying and losing and waiting it took for me to finally find her. Both birth mothers and adoptive mothers know how painful the void of unfulfilled motherhood is to endure. I believe we have a lot it common--as women. I know I am lucky to be a mother--I despaired for years, wondering if the pain and loss would ever go away--would I ever have a child and be blessed with the opportunity to be a parent? I imagine you feel the same sometimes--"when will it be my turn to raise my children?" It is so deeply painful to not be able to fill that need. My daughter's birthmother does not want contact for reasons personal to her, so I cannot tell her that while she saved her baby's life, at the same time she saved my life by choosing adoption.[/list]

[lovestory]

As I read through these posts, it strikes me that we all share some common feelings. As BMlaurie stated: 'There's sooo many emotions that I'm feeling right now - anger, jealousy, hurt, sadness, emptiness...ALOT of emotions flying through me.' These are some of the feelings I felt when I found that I couldn't have my own children. I was angery that I couldn't have children, jealous of those who could. And I was very sad, and empty, at times. Ironically it is a birthmother who wipes away these emotions for us as aparents...to take them on to her own shoulders. This is the first time that it has struck me quite like this. I have seen and talked with many bmom's and know of their pain. Yet, this is the first time I have 'really' understood a degree of what a bmom goes through. (I don't think I will ever fully comprehend).

Stephanie