[megsmom]

Hi,
Just would like to get ideas on gifts or things to do for our childrens birth mothers. Or if your a birth mom I'd like to hear ideas from you too
Thank you
Shannon

[HappyTwinsMom]

Since birthmother's day, mother's day, and my daughters' birthday all fall within a week or so, whatever I send is usually a combination of all of those occasions. Generally, I send a bunch of pictures and a card. I think this year I'm going to include something with the girls' handprints on it...maybe a t-shirt or maybe do the prints on construction paper and frame it. Not really sure yet.

[Mom2J]

Please forgive me for my ignorance, but is Birthmother's Day the same day as Mother's Day? If it's different, please tell me when, so I can get the gift together also.

Thanks,
K.

[megsmom]

Its May 8th

[Mom2J]

Thank you so much. I had no idea. Now, even if I have sole legal custody, would I then also recognize her on both days? (We knew we were getting something special together for Mother's day for her.) We're not sure if she will allow adoption, but we know she is unable and the courts are not allowing reunification. I would still like to do something very nice for her.

Anyone else have some more great ideas to give to these wonderful women?

Thanks again,
K.

[bromanchik]

Here is my take on it:

A Time of Honor and Remembrance

It is no small thing to give life.

To feel the kick of tiny feet.

To know that no matter how far apart you are,

there will always be someone out there

with whom you are connected.

To be a mother is to love,

to nurture,

to care.

To be a mother means to give your children the chance to be.

Birthmothers hold a very special place in the community of mothers.

On Mother's Day especially, we deserve to be honored for all we have done for our children.

For the love we will always have for them.

For the place that is theirs alone in our hearts.

We begin by honoring each other.

For most birthmothers, Mother's Day is a day tinged with sadness and shame. Whether out of indifference or deliberate intent, family , friends and society in general often does not recognize our experience of motherhood. Many birthmothers feel that they do not have the right to be acknowledged on Mother's Day.

Each of us deals with the difficulties of Mother's Day in different ways. For some, a quiet day with sympathetic friends is most helpful, while others keep the pain and heartache of the day to themselves. A few, myself included, have come to use Mother's Day as a means of educating people, reminding others that this is a special day for birthmothers too.

A group of Seattle area birthmothers, in an effort not only to educate, but more importantly, to honor and remember, decided to create Birthmother's Day. The first gathering, on the Saturday before Mother's Day 1990, brought together birthmothers and supportive family and friends. One of the founders, Mary Jean Marsh, says that the Saturday before Mother's Day "seemed especially appropriate as our motherhood came before and foreshadows the motherhood of another."

Birthmother's Day is now commemorated all over the country. As the word spreads, more and more groups are organizing their own ceremonies. It is becoming the way for birthmothers to proclaim their motherhood, and for those who love and support then, to honor and remember their role as lifegivers.

To begin their new tradition, the birthmothers in Seattle felt that they needed to do more than simply gather together. They decided to create a ceremony that would not only give voice to their loss, but honor to the sacrifices they have made as well. It was to be a time of healing, as well as a time for respect.

Personally I have come to see that Birth Mother's day and Mother's Day honor two very different parts of my experience as a birthmother. It is a bittersweet week-end for me. So, on Saturday, I attend a Birth Mother's Day celebration so that I may have a place to acknowledge and honor the struggles, pain and on-going losses I feel connected to losing my son to adoption. On Sunday, I enjoy the Mother's Day celebrations I have with my son and his parents (as well as the children I am parenting) to honor my place as his "other mother".__

Ultimately, it is not really a question of how we celebrate and remember our experience of motherhood, but that we do it in the first place. For too long we have been silent, accepting the view that in relinquishing our rights to parent, that our experiences in giving birth, and mothering our children those first few precious days, never happened.

To be a mother is to love, to nurture, to care. Before we were ever "birthmothers" we were mothers. And we still are._ We have entered into the community of mothers by virtue of our love, by nurturing our children their first nine months of life, by caring for them enough to place them into the hands of another who could give them what we could not. Our experience of mothering, while not complete, is as valid as our children's adoptive mothers. Entrusting the adoptive mother with our role as parent does not negate all that has come before. That is what we need to remember and celebrate, in whatever way choose.

-Brenda Romanchik

[Mom2J]

Thank you so much bromanchik for enlightening me. I just think that's awesome. I'm not sure if our BMom knows about this, but I'm sure going to enlighten her. She does deserve to have this very special day. Would you mind if I typed up your explanation of the day, so I can send it to her?

Now, I do have a strange question. If the Bmom didn't relinquish her child by choice and the state actually took custody, would this day be a slap in the face to her? I don't want to offend her in anyway. She's had enough on her plate without rubbing salt in the wound. The more I thought about it, I don't want to cause hurt. I still thinks she needs to be recognized, one way or the other.

K.

[bromanchik]

By all means copy it and send it. Send something for the week-end. Tell her you will be thinking of her no matter which way she chooses to acknowledge her part in your child's life.

[AmyRae613]

hi there. thought i would comment on this. this will be my first birthmothers day. i am a bmom. i am not too sure what the amom will do for me. i have to let her know about bmom day. i will get her something special for mother's day. i know that this day will be one of the harder days for me. my lil one is 11 weeks old. i get to see her tomorrow. i have a very open adoption.

[Jackiejdajda]

AmyRae613 wrote..i get to see her tomorrow. i have a very open adoption.

How did the visit go?


Jackie

[AmyRae613]

my visit went really well. i was so excited to see kaylee and naedean. i had not seen kaylee since the 8th of march. she is doing really good. she will be 11 weeks tomorrow (saturday). she is getting so big. she weighs 12 pounds, and is very solid. she is a little rollie pollie, but so cute. she is starting to get expressive and kind of start talking back to you when you talk to her. it is really cute. after we got done with lunch, i walked naedean and kaylee through the floor at my office really quick. all of the girls just loved her. they are just in awe.

anyways...thought i would add a new picture that was taken today onto this message. hope you enjoy.

[Jackiejdajda]

AmyRae613 wrote..i walked naedean and kaylee through the floor at my office really quick. all of the girls just loved her. they are just in awe.

A wonderful thing!

This is so much better than not knowing..


Jackie

[AmyRae613]

oh i know! i do not know how i would be if i could not know where kaylee was and how she was doing. i think it would take me alot longer to deal with things. since i know what is going on in her life...it is alot easier to accept the descion that i have made. do you feel like that too??

[l-thompson]

What a beautiful wee girl!!

Very, very cute and how awesome that you are able to see her.
Its so good to see how adoption has changed over the years. My birthmother always said the hardest thing was not knowing...not knowing if I was even alive. A slow agonising torture she says, that she has lived with for 40 years.

Open adoption really seems like the way to go.

[Jackiejdajda]

AmyRae613 wrote.....it is alot easier to accept the descion that i have made. do you feel like that too??

I knew nothing until my bson was 35 years old..

I did not see him.. I did not hold him..

And I learn from you.. I questioned as to whether I actually made a decision.. I think that is where a lot of the bitterness comes from.. I am thinking of birthmoms who are as angry as it gets..

Jackie