[judymuratore]

i am a birthmother who gave up my daughter 21 years ago in Massachusetts. she legally has the right, at age 21 to open her file and find me. i decided to conduct a search in march of this year, and found her in May.. i was amazed at how quickly she was found. i hired a non-profit agency to do the search. i highly recommend them, they were honest, efficient, and only asked that the fee cover their expenses. once i had the info, i felt it was the honourable and correct thing to let the adoptive mother know my intentions of wanting to communicate w/ "our" daughter. that was a mistake...i emailed her, she wrote me back a nasty-cutting reply to the effect of "my unfair and painful intursion into their family's lives". her brother, who is also adopted, called me to say "you made your decision 21 years ago, now you must live w/ the consequences...leave my sister and my family alone" i was crushed/devasted...but then my daughter DID write back, herself...the most amazing, positive, beautiful letter...that she understood that adoption can be the most "self-less and giving act a mother can do for her child", that she does not fault me for my decsion, that yes, she is hurt, but understands".. also writing how much it meant to her that i came to her 1st, and answered the ultimate question of every adoptee, "did my bparents give me up simply because they did not want me??" my email to her, proved that was not the case...

now, almost 3 months later there has been no further contact by her...she asked me to give her the time to think things through, and deal w/ all the emotions..as she put it "she does not want to hurt me, or her adoptive parents.

i'm ecstatic to know she is happy, healthy, etc. but feel that her adoptive family has given her very negative undertones of what being in contact w/ me will do.

i love this child w/ all my heart and soul. it was the most difficult thing i ever did in my life, giving her up. part of me says be happy for the communicaton i had, but this waiting period is absolutely unbearable, although i know it must be.

she is a entering her senior year in college in september. i'm guessing that being home for the summer, under her parents roof, and surrounded by family, she feels the constraints of that. hopefully, back on her own turf, she'll feel more free to correspond again....

does anybody out there, birthparent, or adoptee have any feelings one way or the other about that...????

[Carol Bird]

Dear Judy,

First of all, the A-mother should be ashamed of herself. I don't know how or when that baloney about a birthmother not having "a right" to contact her child was started, but I do know it is a LIE.

Nobody owns a child, much less an adult adoptee. Because you had to relinquish your daughter doesn't mean you didn't want her; it only means that you felt you couldn't give her the kind of life YOU wanted her to have.

Adoption does not erase the genetic identity of an Adoptee. Every human being has a RIGHT to know their genetic history.

If a mother can love more than one child, a child certainly can love more than one mother. . . as seen in cases of beloved step parents, in-laws, etc.

I'm glad your daughter reached out to you. But I must caution you that age 21 seems a logical age for reunion to us Birthmothers --- but, in reality it is the wrong time for reunion. There is too much going on in your daughter's life right now ... finishing college, starting a career, dating, discovering life, marriage. Reunion takes up a lot of time ... we get caught up in it and can't seem to think about anything else. We breathe, eat and sleep reunion. Our emotions get all messed up and we are stressed a lot during the early months and years.

E-mail contact can be helpful during this time ... but not every day. Give your daughter some space to finish maturing. Take time to get to know one another via e mail and use the time to prepare yourself for the enevitable meeting when she feels she can handle it.

I know it is difficult. I've BEEN THERE.
In fact, I too, thought 21 was a perfect time. My daughter turned 21 in Feb. 1954, and although we didn't have much of a support system, we did have ALMA and the International Soundex Reunion Registry was just getting started. There was no Internet; no convenient websites, not too many books and articles about reunion, if any.

I registered on ISRR and WAITED. I didn't want to impose on my daughter, but I wanted to make it easy for her to find me. I waited ELEVEN YEARS. She earned her degree and went on to Graduate school, began a career and finally married. In fact, her first baby (a girl) was born only 5 months before she looked for ... and found me. She was 32.

Patience is not easy for us, but patience is what we need to develop.
Take this waiting time to prepare for reunion. Print out a copy of REUNION SOCIALIZATION from http://www.adopting.org/ReunionSocialization.html/
and THE TOP TEN WAYS TO A SUCCESSFUL REUNION AND RELATIONSHIP from http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html/

Get a copy of THE ADOPTION REUNION SURVIVAL GUIDE (by Bailey & Giddens) for more tips on what you can do to prepare. It is under $15 and can be purchased through http://www.adoptionshop.com
or Amazon.com or local chain book stores.

There are many other helpful books, like Marlou Russell's ADOPTION WISDOM and others that can help you prepare.

Give your daughter time. Let a Reunion bud and flower in its own time.

and ... hang in there!
Hugs, Carol Bird

[bunny1]

i think the nastyness you got from your daughters adopted mother is from fear. Fear of losing her daughter, or a part of her. Fear that she'll love you more than her. My mom acted that way, although she never told me of her fear, I read so clearly between the lines. Pehaps this women needs to know from you that she won't lose her daughter because she raised her, loved her as mothers do. Also if your daughter would go to her mom and confront her with knowledge of her fears( with love of course) this would help. People can be very narrow minded , angry when they feel threathed. Especially if their insercure or have any guilt with their performance as a mother. Maybe you could write your daughter disscussing this fear her mom has. And maybe she wouldn't feel like shes hurting her adopted mom by talking to you. I hope I was of any help to you, and I pray for your much needed reunion. Is there somebody who could talk with the adopted mom for you. Somebody whos trained in the minds of people............God bless and keep your faith.....

[Aneni]

Dear Judy,

There's much to celebrate in what has happened so far.

I agree with your kind first impulse - to contact your daughter's mom before contacting your daughter - even though she did not respond as you hoped. I have to remind myself regularly that someone's first response isn't always the permanent response, including my own! It's quite possible the a-mom's thoughts and feelings will evolve as time goes by. Or not. But you did a good thing.

And you know that your daughter is ok.

Another cool thing is that your daughter knows from you that you love her and never forgot her, and that if/when she is ready to talk to you further, you'll be there.

It can be tempting to believe that your daughter would love to contact you, but isn't doing so only because of her family's pressure not to. This may be true. It may also be true that she has her own feelings of reluctance and needs time (maybe a lot of time) to sort these out.

I hope things work out well for all of you in time.

Warmly,

[StevieGirl]

Hi there, and congrats on finding your daughter!

When I was 21, there's no way I would have been ready for contact with my birthmother. I was still a child, more or less. I was still finding myself.

I just turned 29 and have been in contact for about 5 months. Now that I'm a secure adult with a family of my own, I'm ready to start relationships with the people who gave me life.

My amom is secure enough in our relationship, that she's all for the reunion.

Although your daughters amom was rude . . . she's just being a mother by protecting her daughter - whom she probably still sees has a child, especially if she lives under their roof.

It sounds like you're a loving and understanding person, so I'm sure you know the space you give her now will mean all the difference in a future relationship. Let her come to you, and let her know you'll be there when she's ready.

Best of luck!

[CB1138]

Congrats on finding your gurl.

I am 17 years old and if i had the opportunity to contact my mother i would be 95% ready to. every one is ready at different times. My BMom died when i was 11 years old so i will never have the chance to find her. i went to her grave a few years after she died, with one of my B-sisters. i stay in close contact with my birth sibilings (some of them).

I hope you cherish as much of the time as you can of when you do get to talk to/see her.

My A-parents talked bad about my BMom like all the time. telling me how awfull she was and how i would never want to see her again or live with her. that hurt every time they said anything negative i would feel like throwing things.

Mothers are a wonderfull gift that children are born with, wether they are birth parents or adoptive parents.

- Carri

[javamama]

to all of you who kindly responded...thank you!

I wrote this thread over one year ago. I log onto the site every now and then, and just stumbled across my name and this old thread that must have been resubmitted.

I agree w/ all that you have said. I think the a-mom's reaction is a knee-jerk reaction to a situation she was hoping she would never have to del w/...my showing up! I don't know if she has calmed down at all..i never tried to contact her again. After that response, and the one from my daughter, I realized that, yes, i did try to do the right thing, but i do not want, or need to deal w/ such negativity. that's not where I am coming from, and i am hoping to not have that thrown in my face.

My daughter is much more positive, open, but hesitant. As most of you have voiced, when she is ready, she will come forward. She will do it from her heart, and w/ positive energy.

The latest development was that in February, she was given an assignment from a psychology class to interview "someone" on pregnancy and the birthing process. She emailed me asking if i would be willing to be interviewed by her about HER birth. I was ecstatic to hear from her in general, and specifically to have this opportunity to tell her the story of her birth, and adoption. We emailed back and forth for a week. It was an emotionally packed event, for both of us. I answered only what she asked, and took it all very slowly. We made SO much progress! She now knows the story of how she came into the world, and the entire process i went through from finding out i was pregant, to having her, and giving her up. Lots of info!

I am very pleased, and will await the next gift of communication by her. Twenty-one is a huge year. Just graduating college, beginning a new life on her own. Lots to deal with. The one thing i made very clear, is that this is about her..i will honour, respect, and accept however she chooses to continue the dialogue..that i have already made enough decisions regarding her life, now it is her turn. But, no matter what happens, I will be here for her..and will do as much, or as little as she needs to help her get through this.

thank you all again.

Judy Muratore

[moonstar]

Why, as a birthmother, are we not appreciated more for what we've done? I'm not looking for recognition. I just don't think that most people understand what we go through when we give our child up for adoption.
It takes all the strength you have and you have a hole in you for the rest of your life.
A good friend of mine likened it to a death. I know it's not the same, but some days it truly feels like it.
The amom doesn't realize just what you did for her. And unfortunatly she's perpetuated the lie of no right by teaching her children such a narrow point of view.

ISO
Baby Boy Smith
12/26/78
Delnor Hospital
St. Charles, IL

[Carol Bird]

Over past decades adoptions were handled in such a way that the adopting parents were made to feel that the child was THEIRS from that day forth, and that the birthmother had given up all rights to him/her.
As you know, birthmoms were told that each must put away the past and "go on with her life".

The missing equation in that kind of thinking was "Mother's Love" -- it's something that's impossible to "put behind us."

So, the a-parents claimed the child as theirs "till the end of time," and tried to delete the birthparents from the picture.

Now the adopted child is grown and MOST of them are curious about their genetic heritage and WHY they were given up. So many search!

And the child-mother who carried her child near her heart for nine months and was cautioned to FORGET, of course, never could quite wipe the memory from her mind, and when the child turned adult, the mother (sometimes birthfather) want to explain "why" to the child and yearn to know that he/she is well and happy.

The "Fairy Tale" the a-parents have lived is wiped out, and they become frightened. They are afraid the adult child will turn his/her back on them and they sometimes procede to lay a guilt trip on him/her. Or they tell the child lies and fear he/she will discover the farce.

Some adoptive parents, however, DO appreciate the sacrifice the birthparents made; those who are more secure and more mature realize there is nothing to fear, since they raised the child with love and care. Some understand that the child can love more than one pair of parents; after all, we see that in many of the divorce/remarry families. If they can accept in-laws, why not the "stranger" who was mother to the child they adopted?

Someday someone with foresight (and valuable hindsight) will realize the harm that has been done in adoptions of the past. Someone will redesign the system, realizing that the birth parent is not an animal who can give birth and let the child fly free without a second thought.

Untill then, we have to try to educate the adoptive parents. We have to understand our birthchild's strong and loving ties to his/her adoptive parents (the ONLY parents most adoptees have ever known) and do all in our power to have a relationship of sorts with his/her a-parents. We have to help our child through the guilt concerns he/she has about hurting the a-parents.

One way we can do that is to do a lot of reading about these issues and pass on books and articles that can help our child through the tough times of reunion.

There are many, many excellent books available that offer advice and support. Nancy Verrier, author of The Primal Wound (a textbook on adoption) has recently written a new book that will be helpful. Marlou Russell's Adoption Wisdom, Bailey & Giddens The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide, Joe Soll's adoption healing books, Birthbond, and many many others are helpful reading.

This website (Adoption.com) has a wonderful library of articles for all parts of the Adoption Triad that are well worth reading and passing on.

We didn't know much about adoption when we relinquished our child ... most of us were too young to even know much about ourselves. We all need to learn about it NOW, so that we can help our adult child and his/her adoptive parents through the Reunion Process without disrupting anyone's life.

That's all I can offer, aside from understanding and compassion.

Hugs, Carol Bird

[moonstar]

How right you are.
When you tell someone you put a child up for adoption you either get compassion or pity. Sometimes they react like you'd said the child died. And yet one of the things a sibling might say to inflict pain is that you were adopted. I feel this says alot about how society views adoption. Very mixed.