[91Greyhound]

Hi everyone, our profile was just picked by a birthmom...she seems like an interesting match, and as this is our first one, we want to talk with her. The problem is the fees. I was expecting expensive, but it is coming in at $35K + (not inlcluding home study, advertising,etc.)...probably all inclusive closer to $40K....with the gov't tax-credit and what I get in benefits from work its about $20K out of my pocket. Luckily I can raise that kind of money, but I need someone to tell me that I'm not being cheap because I am second guessing myself about paying that much.

I know that 5 years from now I probaly won't care, but it just seems like a lot...the agency fee is $12K, there are $9 in support to the birthmom, and then all of the legal retainers and such. And of course the scariest thing is what if it falls through!

Talk me down from a ledge here...am I being unreasonable?

[sheababy]

Does your agency continue to work with you without another 12k fee in case of a failed match? If not, I would be terrified too!

However, here's how I looked at it-how much is it going to cost us to have the child (daycare, food, clothing, medical etc). We figured at least 15K per year and that's what we ended up paying-about 30k over a 2 year period to bring DD home. We had to choose between saving that money for a down payment on a bigger house or going forward with adoption.

You are right, you will not care about the money even a year from now.

Luckily our bmom ended up having no expenses but we were willing to pay 6-10k. I knew we could lose that money but was ok with it because I knew I would be helping someone who really needed it.

Just make sure you get all the fees in writing, including a detail of what the bmom expenses are and for what. It does no harm to talk to the bmom-if the situation is right you will know.

Good luck!

[brooklyn_girl]

I feel your pain, Greyhound. You are not being "cheap" you are being human.

We connected with birthparents and yesterday our lawyer just gave us the rundown of how much we can expect to pay to finish the adoption process. I could not believe my eyes when I saw how much it's going to cost. I feel like we are being bled dry - to the point where I really feel like we are "buying a baby". I burst into tears over it because I was having a "it's just not fair" moment (there have been a couple of those during this process, this was one of them).

I'm really trying hard to focus on the prize - a BABY!! I can find the money somehow, and like you said years from now it just won't matter.

[kakuehl]

I have no words of wisdom for you, I just wanted to say that as a birthmom I am appalled at the amounts adoptive parents have to pay! Someday I must ask D's parents how much they had to pay (admittedly 36 years ago I'm sure it was less). Of course, as a bmom, I was lucky. I was covered under my parents' insurance and they were paying my living expenses because I was in college. Also- hospitals were a LOT less expensive then... I paid out of my own pocket for the extra day D had to stay in the hospital.

I do wish you well in your quest to adopt.

[HeidiK]

Some adoptions can cost more than 40k, but I beleive most are less, alot less. I completed both of my sons adoptions for under 10K not including travel. I think it is very important for AP's to do some soul searching prior to the matching process and really come up with a dollor figure that works best for your family and stick to your budget. The emotions of the process can and will take you places you might not really want to go. Good luck on your journey

[jp4ga]

Ours was suspose to be 25,000. But when things went wrong we had to pay an addition 6,000 for our attorney. Then two weeks ago we go we were notified that we have to pay the attorney fees for the birthmom. We are not happy to have to pay her fees. She is the one who committed a crime during the course of the adoption, but since the case with her involved TPR we are stuck with her attorney fees. It sucks. So when all is said and done we spent 37,000 not including travel which was around 3000.

[Sohmakun]

YIKES jp4ga!! No wonder why your adopting through the foster care system. If I were in that situation I would have gone bankrupt!!

[Linny]

Fees are completely out of control in most places nowadays. We've been adopting babies for some time now (oldest is in late 20's)...and the fees are ridiculous.
Someone, somewhere, got the idea that since the adoption tax credit was around, a lot of agencies and attorneys felt THEY oughta get a big credit too----right out of any adoptive parents' pocket. Sick. Just sick.

Are these fees you've written about too high? I believe they are.
I'm assuming you're trying to adopt a healthy white baby, yes? The thing is, as long as couples are willing to pay this type of money, fees will continue to raise and get higher and higher. Yet I know people want to adopt, so what's a couple/person to do?
I have no answer, but I think this agency or attorney or whatever entity you're dealing with is charging too much, period. Further, keep in mind that money 'out there' is money at risk. This 'hype' from entities that 'they'll roll your money over into the next adoption' is nothing but a gimmick to keep you invested with their agency. It's simply a way for them to make interest on YOUR money, while you wait.
Further, once they have your money, where's the rush on their part? After all, in most adoptions, emoms are the ones who choose.....the agency has little/nothing to do with 'who's chosen', KWIM?

I'm sorry if this comes off too cynical. But the fact is, there are a ton of people out there right now, who know they're unchecked in terms of costs; and adoptive parents are all too often 'at their mercy'.

You aren't being unreasonable at all; and I think I'd be shopping around for a more ethical/reasonable agency/attorney.

Just my two-cents.

Sincerely,

Linny

ETA: I don't mean to offend anyone who's paid these types of fees. I understand completely the desire to adopt a baby. But I daresay, most people who paid these types of fees would agree they're far too high for the average person/couple to easily afford. That's not meant to be any reflection on the 'worth' of anyone's cherished daughter or son; but it's meant to say someone's gotta do something sometime, or most people will never be able to have more than one child, let alone adopt any.

[91Greyhound]

Thank you everyone for your kind words...I know that this is very emotional, and I think that we have to go and just wait for the right one. Everyone says that we will know the right situation when it happens....I sort of believe that.

When I learned more about the opportunity that promted this post, I became less and less comfortable with all of the "what-ifs"....we ended up passing on it which is really a shame because the birthmom was probably fantastic, and she was the first person that picked our profile (so potentially she liked us!!...I feel like Sally Fields).

Thank you for all of the great posts...unfortunately its going to be expensive, but hopefully we will find an agency that will be reasonable.