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  #1  
Old 08-26-2004, 07:47 PM
ryleigh ryleigh is offline
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Birth Mother expenses????

HI!
My DH and I are tryingtofigure out the difference between agencies with higher flat fees and agencies w- lower fees and ** expenses. What is the average ** cost????? Has anyone had experience w- really HIGH ** fees? I don't mind helping the **! Especially if she is blessing us w- her child. But we don't want to get taken to the cleaners...
We would appreciate any advice for personal experiences! You can PM or just respond here.

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  #2  
Old 08-27-2004, 08:13 AM
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tobeafamily tobeafamily is offline
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Here are my thoughts:

1. First, not every potential birth parent will want or need assistance with medical or living expenses.

2. Second, each state has different laws regarding what a pafamily can pay for and what they can't.

3. Third, you must understand that any offer to pay for these expenses is considered an 'act of charity' and is not reimbursable should the pbfamily choose not to place or not to place with you. A good rule of thumb: don't pay now if you would not have otherwise offered to pay.

Lastly, she's not 'blessing' anyone with a child. She's making a choice or plan to not parent the child she is carrying, instead finding others that can and wish to do so. One should never look at any assistance you provide her with as 'compensation' for a 'gift' or 'blessing' she's giving you because that's not the case.

IMHO

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  #3  
Old 08-27-2004, 11:07 AM
ryleigh ryleigh is offline
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I was not trying to insult you! I was simply asking somone to assist my DH and I as we enter a new experience..... You took what I said the wrong way! When I say that a Birthmother is blessing us, I mean she is a very strong and brave woman to make such a courageous plan for her child. But since I was asking a question re: agency fees; I didn't think I had to write an essay.
I am sorry if you were insulted.
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  #4  
Old 08-27-2004, 03:07 PM
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michellemartin michellemartin is offline
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Well if she doesnt have insurance and the birth goes fine, you can expect to pay about 3,000 for her medical expences. Most times, though the medical expences are not reqired, but it is something I hope that you would do for her. As for living expences, the agency I went through allowed up to 1000. The living expences also include maternity clothing, grocery, phone. I think that 1000 is reasonable because ideally she will only be missing a couple weeks of work- assuming she's working. The adoptive couple that I chose basically paid the bills for the time I was out of work close to the dollar amount my check would have been had I been able to work those 2 weeks. I would set aside what you think is resonable for her, but yes, be leary about handing out money- Tobeafamily is right, these are non-refundable if she changes her mind.
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  #5  
Old 08-27-2004, 03:37 PM
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I just wanted to chime in that I was never offered, nor did I ever request any expenses be paid to me when I placed my daughter.

Not all situations require expensesits just one of those things you have to think about when considering a match.
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  #6  
Old 09-20-2004, 10:24 AM
emiliesfirstmom emiliesfirstmom is offline
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I will also chime in here as a birthmother. I had health insurance through my parents, because i was still in college. The adoptive parents' attorney asked about financial assistance, and the only thing I asked for was help with co-payments for doctor vists. When my daughter's aparents came to town for the delivery, they went grocery shopping for me and stocked my fridge, which was very sweet of them, but I never asked for it or expected it.
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  #7  
Old 11-19-2008, 08:52 PM
GypsyArizona GypsyArizona is offline
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I feel compelled to take a slightly different take on this topic. I'm sorry to hijack your thread asking for personal experiences of adoptive parents, but as a prospective birth parent I must reply to the initial response you received.

I have had a very hard pregnancy to this point, morning sickness, or in fact, all day sickness, for the entire first trimester & beyond, resulting in my missing a tremendous amount of work, as well as having a greatly increased food budget to try & stay nourished. On top of that, I worked at a restaurant, so I was used to simply eating there which is hard to do if you're home. I then got laid off 2 weeks after I told one of my managers I was pregnant, & thus far have been unable to find new employment.

Some women don't show very much 4 months in, I very much do. So I find myself halfway through my pregnancy, with no employment, maxed out credit cards, a negative balance in my checking account, etc etc. Now this may all just be a coincidence, and have nothing to do with the pregnancy, just bad timing, the economy is bad, but some of it certainly seems to me to be pretty obviously tied to the pregnancy.

The state will pay my medical expenses & has even given me 150$/month for food + WIC, however, that hardly gets me by.

Now, I'm faced with the option of trying to continue the pregnancy for myself, trying to continue it for someone else or ending it. {Please, no preaching, I'm pro choice in theory, in reality the ultrasound made it nearly unthinkable, however, I can't deny that it seems very much the wiser choice at times}.

If I do continue this pregnancy & give this child to another family to care for, I do think I will be BLESSING them by doing so. There are other options. I find it very insulting for someone to look at it otherwise.

I was adopted myself, that's part of what makes this all very difficult, but I know my mother certainly felt blessed by being given me & I am glad for it, I would hate to think she looked at it as someone just 'made the right calculation' or whatever .

The initial responder was correct that it varies from case to case & state to state, however, I know that for me, if things do not improve quickly, my options may fall down to either receiving financial help from an adoptive couple or my having to ... Again, no judgments please, I am simply being realistic. I am not looking to profit or scam someone, just to be able to continue the pregnancy without the constant stress.

My case may be unique, it may be common, I don't know. But I do know that it seems to me that if you are able to afford it, and you truly want a child, there may be cases where providing some financial assistance to the birthmother may be justified, and in fact, necessary.

Sorry, if that was off topic or too personal, I just had to say it.

To the original poster: I wish you all the luck & blessings in the world, I hope you find a wonderful little one to love. Thanks for your indulgence.
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  #8  
Old 11-20-2008, 08:10 AM
jp4ga jp4ga is offline
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When my husband and I were adopting we passed on any match that had bmom fees that we thought were too much. We found many that agencies that listed the emom fees as 10,000 or more. For us that was just too much money. One agency contacted us three times saying that the emom really liked our profile, but could not come down on the fees. So we asked for an itemized list of what the 10,000 would be used for the agency said it was personal. if they could not provide us with a list of what the money would be used for that we did not want to deal with them.

I know that emoms/bmoms need help, but in most cases they can continue working and supporting themselves. In the end we were matched with a bmom with expenses of around $3500. We received an itemized list which included rent, food, medical co-pays, utilities. She did get upset because we could NOT pay her car payments and car insurance that was illegal in her state. However, a month later we got a bill for another 1500 because due to having an emergency c-section she could not return to work as quickly as expected. I was upset at first, but after thinking about it even though it was unexpected it was only right that we help her out. Of course the judge in the case had to approve these additional fees, and the payment had to be recorded by the agency.

This is a very touchy subject for all involved. All I can say is decide in your heart what you think is fair, and pass on the possible matches that you think are asking for too much.

Money can cause relationships to be tense. If you are planning an OA it is important that you not harbor any resentment about the amount of fees you paid.
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  #9  
Old 02-11-2009, 09:29 AM
lucky2009 lucky2009 is offline
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I'm not sure what the "average" monthly expenses are. It seems to range from nothing to "a lot". We were matched with our emom very early in her pregnancy (13 wks). That meant that we would be paying for 7 months of expenses. Initially she and her husband requested more $, then the attorney decreased it to about $1000/month. That's a big chunck of change as it's for 7 months! Now we are being told that they want to move and are requesting another $200/month. We are so close to the due date (Apr), but it seems like they have tried on numerous occasions to ask for more $. I don't know what to do.
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  #10  
Old 02-11-2009, 12:59 PM
sheababy sheababy is offline
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We told our agency we could pay about 3 months of living expenses at 2000/month. Our agency would hold those monies in trust and the birthmother would have to submit requests for legimate expenses to access any of the monies. As it turned out, our bmom needed nothing.
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  #11  
Old 02-23-2009, 07:45 PM
OLIVIA1969 OLIVIA1969 is offline
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The state of Florida allows reasonable birth mother expenses during the entire pregnancy. Our agency will only allow them from 20 weeks on except for dire circumstances such as a EM who was 18 weeks pregnant and truly homeless.

I have no problems paying for co-pays, medicine, healthy food to ensure the babies health, maternity clothing within reasonable limits (our agency allows $300 and access to their maternity closet of used clothing in all sizes), some assistance with rent if it will ensure her a safe place to live, and of course any expenses related to the birth, such as missed time at work.

I refuse to pay car payments as our agency will assist them in getting to any doctors, couseling or public assistance appointments they need and the rest of their travel needs are ones they would have to solve if they were pregnant or not. I also refuse to pay cell phone bills.

We were told to expect anywhere from $3,000 to $6,000.

According to our agency, most EMs are either covered under their own or their parent's insurance or will qualify for govt assistance.
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  #12  
Old 02-23-2009, 07:46 PM
OLIVIA1969 OLIVIA1969 is offline
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I wanted to add that the expenses are paid directly to who is owed and not just given to the EM per our agency. This cuts down on abuse and helps ensure that the funds are applied to the intended purpose.
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  #13  
Old 02-23-2009, 08:58 PM
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oceanica oceanica is offline
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I hope I don't offend or hurt anyone as that is not my intent, and I can come across as rude at times.
My take is that as aparents we are the ones who are grateful, we are receiving joy, we are receiving a blessing and fulfillment. Bparents are the ones that receive pain, sorrow, a void, grief, and so on. We as aparents feel indebted. We have to separate the "thank you for choosing me as parents for your baby" from "what can I do to thank you" or it becomes a payment for the baby. It's almost like when somebody gives you a kidney or something... there is no way and nothing big enough that you could give or say that could be thank you enough. But we really don't owe anything other than being really good loving parents. It's not our fault someone is pregnant and if the person is in financial need it's not our fault or responsiblity. Anything given is a gift out of compassion for a person who needs it. I feel that paying a lot of expenses lends itself to scamming. That is not to say that a lot of eparents are doing that, just that the people who would do it see an opportunity.
In my personal experience, the two scammers I encountered were out for financial gain, and the two successful adoptions didn't require a lot of support. My daughter's bmom got 3000 dollars for maternity related expenses after tpr and my son's bmom asked for no support at all. They acted on the love they had for the little ones only and not on what they could get out of it.
So you should decide how much you are willing to and can afford to give as a gift to someone in need regardless of the final outcome and don't set that number so high that you are a target for a scammer, and don't expect anything in return.
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  #14  
Old 02-24-2009, 08:19 PM
rd200 rd200 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oceanica
I hope I don't offend or hurt anyone as that is not my intent, and I can come across as rude at times.
My take is that as aparents we are the ones who are grateful, we are receiving joy, we are receiving a blessing and fulfillment. Bparents are the ones that receive pain, sorrow, a void, grief, and so on. We as aparents feel indebted. We have to separate the "thank you for choosing me as parents for your baby" from "what can I do to thank you" or it becomes a payment for the baby. It's almost like when somebody gives you a kidney or something... there is no way and nothing big enough that you could give or say that could be thank you enough. But we really don't owe anything other than being really good loving parents. It's not our fault someone is pregnant and if the person is in financial need it's not our fault or responsiblity. Anything given is a gift out of compassion for a person who needs it. I feel that paying a lot of expenses lends itself to scamming. That is not to say that a lot of eparents are doing that, just that the people who would do it see an opportunity.
In my personal experience, the two scammers I encountered were out for financial gain, and the two successful adoptions didn't require a lot of support. My daughter's bmom got 3000 dollars for maternity related expenses after tpr and my son's bmom asked for no support at all. They acted on the love they had for the little ones only and not on what they could get out of it.
So you should decide how much you are willing to and can afford to give as a gift to someone in need regardless of the final outcome and don't set that number so high that you are a target for a scammer, and don't expect anything in return.


I must agree with you. When our agency asked what, if anything we were able to pay in expenses. i had to think about it for a while. We cant afford much, if any, but i do think that some expenses are necessary for the mother. As in food, maternity clothes, stuff like that. I would not however be paying for most of their living expenses throughout the pregnancy. My opinion is that if you are willing to do this, (which is great) then you also need to assume the risk to get burned. I dont think many emoms do this, maybe a small amount, but there are people who will, at the drop of a hat take advantage of someone if they see vunerability. I am not willing to take that chance, there fore we only agreed to pay for $500 in medical expenses, which is payed after the TPR, and $250 in expenses toward the pregnancy item such as, food, clothes ETC. Its not much, but i dont think someone will scam me for $250!! And i guess if they are that desperate,then they need the money more than me anyways. And i honestly think that by doing this, we are not going to attract scammers and we dont personally feel we are "buying" a baby as some others MIGHT feel if they are paying high emom expenses. i'm sure not all aparents feel this way, but i think some might. I think its good all the way around for everybody. Plus, our agency usually doesnt match till at least 7 months, so there really isnt much time after being matched till the baby is born. We wanted to maybe pay a bit more in pregnancy expenes, like $500. But we just dont have the money and that makes my decision alot easier. Just my 2 cents!! Rach
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  #15  
Old 02-25-2009, 09:12 AM
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Ok, oceanica said she was blunt, now I let my hair down, too. Don't say I did not warn you.

I do not have a very positive feeling about paying birthmother expenses. I think that it is justified in only a few cases and I have some serious issues with it anyway since it IS baby buying.

The more the financial package offered to potential birthparents grows (these days it includes also a generous "postpartum support"), the more it attracts freeloaders and scammers. The problem is that we adoptive parents have little to say because we are in a bad negotiating position: We very much want a baby and are willing to do *anything*. That's why we put on a happy face and pay this "gift". We know that the equation is no gift = no baby.

I mean, in all honesty - who of us really wants to pay "charity" to birthparents?! None of us.

I know I don't want to because in most cases I do not see the justification for it. Pay "food/clothes/rent etc."? Why is that? Is she living under a bridge?? If she is that desperate, she has the option to go to a maternity home. THAT I would pay happily. Pay "postpartum support"? This is paid only if she places, isn't it. Which proves that we not not really want to pay this "charity" unconditionally - we just pay it to get a baby.

Having said all that, I will play along to some degree and pay some "birthmother charity", the reason being that I want to adopt a baby. I did that in my first adoption, will do it again in my second. I am just pragmatic. But if asked for my true opinion, I am against the circus that is going on with the birthmother expenses these days and I think it should be better regulated.
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