[benjamin-benjamin]

couple of things
1. i have read quite a bit on this site, but i might ask some questions that are common knowledge, just bear with me..
2. for the sake of time i am going to give the short version, if you would like more details please ask

my wife and i would like to adopt an older child (9-14 range), neither of us have children. We have heard the horror stories, but we are trusting in God to help us make the right decision. We don't want to just "take" any child and we really want get to know the child pretty well to be sure that the child is someone we can "handle" so to speak. We know it would not be beneficial to take a child that has issues far beyond what we are ready for since this would be our first child... so i say all of that to say this...

what approach should we take to be sure that we really get to know a child before adopting, so we know it is the right fit???

thanks again..

[Hoping2adoptsibs]

I was told that you can do a transitional type of meetings/outings before the transfer to make sure you and your wife AND the child are both on board with the situation.

[momraine]

If you are adopting through foster care, it takes a while after the child is in your home before the adoption is finalized. If you discover you cannot handle the child's needs you do not need to complete the adoption. There will be visits most likely, but many issues will not come up until the child is living with you. The best way to really get to know about the child's issues would be to talk to the child's current an previous caregivers as much as possible and ask a lot of questions.

[Hoping2adoptsibs]

6 month mandatory wait time in PA. I think most other states have this wait time too.

I'm only interested in older siblings that have had TPR and available for adoption. So that means they already have been in the foster care system for at least a year. Which also means that most of their honeymooning period is over and many of their issues that would be a dealbreaker for some people are already known.

But as with all children, just because you know of some issues, doesn't mean you'll know every issue that will possibly come up, just like bio kids.

[EllisAJ]

Children in foster care who are ready for adoption have in most cases been in the system for much longer than a year. Many children honeymoon each time they have a new placement. You can request additional transitional visits after being matched and as the OP stated you will have the 6 months until you can finalize. Many of these children have DX that are over exaggerated, they just need stability to assist with their anxiety. Many have real DX's that you can add several more too. You will never know the extent of the emotional damage until you get to really know the child. Having adopted before, let me say it can be a very rocky but rewarding road. God just matched us with two brothers who we will meet tomorrow. God bless, take the leap an love a child.

[benjamin-benjamin]

what does DX and TPR mean??

[benjamin-benjamin]

also, is it is a big deal if after 3 months we decide no go on the child??

[leahcar]

My daughter was in foster care for five years before coming to us as a straight adoptive placement at age 9. She'd had two failed adoptions that ended before finalization because the prospective parents couldn't handle her tantrums. She came to us from another state so we had to follow that state's policy of her living with us for 6 months before finalization instead of our state's three month policy. We had frequent contact with her case worker in the other state during that time and were monitored by a local case worker.

My advise (plea) is to not take a child into your home unless you are committed to parenting them forever. Do your research. Ask questions. Read everything you can get your hands on. Interview everyone you can (foster parents, case worker, therapist, teacher). These children have been through so much. A failed adoptive placement causes even more damage. Sometimes prospective parents have the best intentions and it just doesn't work out. That is different from going into it thinking you have an escape plan of just giving them back to the system. Parenting a hurt child is hard work.

To answer your question of "also, is it is a big deal if after 3 months we decide no go on the child?? " YES, it is a HUGE deal to the longterm health and well being of the child.

[Des64]

I hope more people will share their experiences. I am starting the adoption process as a single mom and trying to grasp how different the older adopted child is from my experiences. I have 2 grown biological children. And there were many a day they were no picnic. There were days and periods of time when they took every ounce of strength I had.

I suppose I am looking for some quantification of difficulty which cant exist because every child is different and unique. Even with my bio kids one was more compliant than the other.

I am not sure if the happy people dont share as often or there really arent that many happy endings?

[Robinyyes]

I'm also a single mom of a grown bio child and adopting. It is not easy, but my best advice is to stay strong and be true to yourself. That may sound easy, but it isn't. YOU have to decide what you can handle, and what you are willing to take to get there. For me I had to take it one day at a time, and be willing to roll with the punches. But in the end, I am happy that I've been true to myself in the process. Hope it all works out for you.

[alys1]

DX = diagnosis
TPR = Termination of Parental Rights.

In the center of the 2 grayish bars at top of page is "Acronyms". Can be handy, there are a LOT of them, whew!

From POV (point of view) of hopeful adopter, TPR is good: it means the state is no longer planning to send the child back to the parents, and is no longer conducting exhaustive relative searches, looking for someone to send the child to.

Are there any foster-support groups in your area? If so, start going asap. You don't have to be licensed to go. You will learn so much from them, you'll find people who could help provide "respite" (babysitting by a licensed FP) after you have a child. And you *may* find that some FPs in the support group have foster children temporarily, who will later be available for adoption, so you could get to know them first. Long shot, but possible.

[RoseAdopt]

If you are open to international adoption (though the kids typically do speak English) and if you qualify, this program may be of interest:

Hand In Hand International Adoptions: Philippines Hosting Program