[naca]

Hi all! You may recall that we got our 5yr old adoptive placement this summer. There was very little transition- we spent a week in TX and she went to the hotel with us the first day and stayed the entire week. At that time I was disappointed w/ the FM bc she had all her stuf packed and wanted us to take it immediately- she seemed very withdrawn already and that she wanted to be done with the child. *L* did not want to go back to the foster home at all and wanted to come home with us but did end up going back for a long weekend before being flown out to be placed in our home. We'd definitely had our share of behaviors but overall things have been going well. *L* does not ask or talk about her old foster mom (who she lived with for 2yrs -FM did not want to adopt). Initially we were all for keeping a relationship with the previous FM b/c she did have *L* for a large portion of her young life. After meeting, we assumed FM would not want contact as she appeared very distanced. She has called twice to check on *L* and talk to her so perhaps she was just trying to protect herself by withdrawing.

My problem & the reason I'm coming to you is this : *L* does not mention or ask about her previous FM except after a phone call. The calls are not always appropriate- for example the first one a teen previous foster sibling was talking to*L* and kept asking her "Dont you miss us??" which then leads to days of *L* being upset that her old family is mad at her b/c they miss her and they're mad she left them. During last nite's phone call (2nd to date) FM told *L* that maybe they'd come visit her some day. *L* mentioned that we lived very very far away but FM said they'd come on a plane or bus ect.. She later told me that she has thought of coming to visit us but not for several years. *L* is under the impression that they are going to come visit us soon and take her back home with them (since we came to visit her & she came to live w/us shortly after). She has made comments that she's just visiting us while she goes to school but when school is over she has to go back to her old house.

I guess my problem is that I dont feel the old foster family is being age appropriate w/ her at this time. I dont nececssarily want to cut off all contact but thought perhaps I should stop phone calls until after *L* is more adjusted , has started therapy and really understands that she is here to stay. I dont like seeing her upset and confused and of course this adds to her tantrums and behavior issues.

Am I wrong to think we should stop the contact until at very least the adoption is finalized & she understands better that this is her new permanent home? Advice would be appreciated!

[triciansil]

Not one bit! You have to look out for what is best for your AD. She needs to heal. Our placement was super fast, we took them home the same day as we met them. The Foster mom was done and over the kids. My 5yr old has some issues and foster mom was tired of them. Even though we still keep in contact and see eachother at church, I see my kids behaviors change on those days. My son becomes so whiney and out of whack and my daughter become overly clingy with me. On another note, our previous foster son is still a huge part of our lives, he lives with his grandmother now but he comes to visit and we go visit him also (different state) so it just depends on the needs of the kids. Some kids just can not seperate the changes due to their past.

[coachmur]

I would like to share my opinion on your question if you don't mind. Just to preface my statements I wanted to let you know that i have been on both sides of the coin in your situation. I really think that yes, you should limit contact at this point. Your daughter really needs to develop an attachment to you and your family and her former foster family is delaying that with their continued contact. That is not to say that they should never have contact but initially it should be very little and in their case I would probably say not at all for awhile because in my opinion they are being innappropriate with their comments to her.

Our situation was very much like your experience. We had two little girls in our home for almost two years. We did not feel that we were the best choice for adoption for them because they had two other siblings and we wanted for them all to be together. A wonderful family in Texas adopted all four kids. The transition was also very fast because of the distance they would be moving and the fact that the sooner they started in their new school the better. (it was fall and school was just starting) Both sets of foster parents,(us and the family that fostered the other two siblings) agreed that contact should be delayed until the new parents felt that the attachment was underway. They told the kids they could contact us if they wanted but left it up to them and like your daughter there wasn't a lot of need for the contact because they were excited to be in a family with their new parents. It has been five years so I can't exactly remember how much time went by before we talked. We told the girls we missed them and they also missed us, but we also asked about their new family, what their school was like, told them how excited we were for them to have a mom and dad, etc. Generally we just were always really open with them and basically gave them permission to love their family. I am not saying we did everything perfect with them but five years later we still have an open, awesome relationship with both the kids and their parents. The highlight of our summer is a week long visit with the girls in our home. Their parents bring them up and it is so much fun. It feels like we are all family and the girls feel the same way. I would compare it to my visiting my grandparents when I was a kid. We as the foster parents are so thankful that their parents allow us that time together but we also feel that it is completely up to their parents and we would understand if they didn't want us to have contact. As foster parents we need to put the best interest of the child at the top of the list and of course it is in the best interest of the child to be the most attached to their parents. I am thinking the foster mom misses your daughter more than she expected to and that is ok. But in my opinion she probably just needs to deal with her feelings and she needs to let you and your family set the guidelines for contact. Sorry so long but I wanted to assure of your rights as the parent even though I am the foster parent. Good luck and Congrats on your new daughter. I also have a daughter we adopted through foster care but that is a whole new story and you probably don't have time to read another book, ha!

[Jensboys]

I would say that stopping contact is probably EASIER but not necessarily the right decision. Sounds to me (having been there and done that) that your daughter is still in the honeymoon phase of attachment and adjustment. It is TOTALLY unhealthy that a child would just walk away from previous caregivers of two years and not care or notice. That is NOT the sign of an emotionally healthy child. She HAS TO grieve their loss, and understand that she is with you forever, and visits, phone calls etc that reinforce that reality is GOOD as it forces her to face that truth. NOW does that mean its going to be easy? Heck no! Its a whole lot easier to pretend that your daughter doesnt miss them, or want to go back, or has forgotten about them but all that does is repress those memories and inevitably it WILL Come out. MUCH MUCH MUCH easier to be dealing with this NOW than to be dealing with it at puberty when it will come out again.

My suggestion -- understand that you WANT her to grieve their loss. That a visit sooner rather than later is probably a good thing, that contact that reinforces that they love her and miss her (all normal, healthy and WANTED emotions) BUT that they are ALSO happy she has a forever mommy and daddy are good. Will it trigger thoughts or feelings for her? Absolutely -- HOPEFULLY she had an attachment to them (you really, really, really want that because an unattached child is WAY scarier than a previously attached child).


It might be time to have a chat with foster mom - ask her to express those feelings to your daughter, but make sure she also enforces the fact she is happy your daughter is with you and she wants daughter to love you too.

Will lots of people tell you that if visits are "hard" on your daughter that you should stop it? Yes. Will you be tempted to stop it? Yes. Is it easier to stop it? Yes. Is it the right thing to do? I would say no. These people were her family for TWO years and a large percentage of her life. Ongoing contact, and positive reinforcement of their love for her if they can do it in a healthy way is IMPORTANT for her long term emotional health.

You dont want a child that could walk away from you after two years with nary a second glance ... so take a step back and look at it from the long term adult emotional health perspective. That's your goal for her

[Hadley2]

jensboys - that is a really good post. thank you so much as I was reading this thread out of curiosity and your post applies so well to a completely different situation I am facing (Christmas day with a birthparent). It also rounds out our own experience with a previous ff before we fostered dd. You are really, really wise. Thank you.