[Gospelfan]

When adopting an older child, do they always take the last name of the family? Do they have a role in deciding?

My husband and I talked from teh beginning that with our trying to adopt two 13yr olds, we'd LOVE for them to take our name, and see that in so many ways it'd help people see them as really our kids.

But, I have a nephew who's stepdad is encouraging him to change his last name to that of the stepdads. My nephew goes back and forth between excited and sad, as he put it... that's been his name ever since before he was born.

It got DH and I thinking and talking... wouldnt this be even harder with older kids, and especially from a tougher situation.

It seems some people have even changed the first names of the kiddos... so what's precedence and is this somethign you discuss with the kids as you get closer?

~ Gospelfan

[MilehighDad]

This is definitely a complex topic. Our older girls wanted to change their names and we worked with them to decide on the best option, but in the end it was their final decision. Our oldest kept her first name and hyphenated our last name with hers. But, as a few years have gone by she's changed her mind and will be dropping her original last name and going by a new middle name that she asked us to pick for her. Our newest girl was going by her middle name when we met her. When we finalize next week, she is going to move her middle name to her first name, add a new middle name we picked, and use our last name.

[Gospelfan]

Thanks, soo... I guess the biggest part is that you work WITH the older kid and let them have a lot of the control?

[MilehighDad]

Sorry for not being more specific, but yes. Work with them when the time is right and you're getting ready for finalization. There have been a couple of threads on this topic recently which might help too, specifically look under the Foster Care & Adoption category, then the Fost-Adopt What's It Like? subcategory.

[Gospelfan]

Thanks Mile for your tips... I'll check out the other posts.

[neve]

We finalized the adoption of our 13 year old girl and 9 year old boy in June. The child psychologist (and adoptee through the foster system) that my husband and I went to before and after placement suggested that it was important for the children to take our name.

We discussed it with them and encouraged them to keep their last name as their second middle name and take our name. They thought that was a great idea.

Sure it's hard to change your name, but I figured that I did it after 32 years! I realize it's not exactly the same, but it worked for us.

[mellaf]

We just went through this, literally, the last couple of days. We were filling out the petition to adoption and Sparkle had changed her mind from what she had originally picked.

She's gone through a few names, but settled on one two days ago.

Definitely let the child make the decision but give suggestions and support.

[Lupin]

Ok since you are specifically asking about Last Names I will put my $0.02 in here on that specifically. And from your name I assume you live in Alberta as do I.

This is something that affects unmarried couples (or those where Mom keeps her last name) kids. I know of a case where the Biological Mother could not enrol her son in Day care or Pre-school without having a letter from his Dad because of the fact he did not have her last name. She was Military & trying to get her son into Cold-Lake/Millitary facillities. That is a major reason why my Bio Children & all our other children will have a hyphenated last name, 'cause sometimes **** happens.

[greenmama]

We changed our soon-to-be adopted son's name already...both first and last names were legally changed. He was ok with the change, but we did not let HIM decide....we explained it to both him and our other son that parents get to chooose their children's names, that it is an act of love and a "claiming" and he was ok with it and even excited and happy when the change was finalized.

[Shelly77]

Our Princess (9 years old) is in a foster home now and we are doing visits to place her here as an adoptive placement.

She will take our name from the day of the placement (per our social worker). We haven't yet explained that to her but I don't know if her caseworker or fostermom has. We'll see but it will have to be pretty soon because I want her to have time to get used to that idea.

[peregrinerose]

Our son is 16 and very adamantly from day one told us that he wanted to keep his own name. As old as he is, we felt that it was important to respect his wishes. Part of the reason he wants to keep his name is that we know that he has two younger half sibs, and he wants to be easy to find should they ever try to find him. (We've been trying to find them, with no success) Part of the reason is that it's about the only constant he's ever had in his life. His name is very much a part of his identity as a person, he is proud of his Puerto Rican heratige and his name also reflects that.

[greenmama]

Originally Posted by Shelly77

Our Princess (9 years old) is in a foster home now and we are doing visits to place her here as an adoptive placement.

She will take our name from the day of the placement (per our social worker). We haven't yet explained that to her but I don't know if her caseworker or fostermom has. We'll see but it will have to be pretty soon because I want her to have time to get used to that idea.

How does "taking the name from day of placement" work for things like school, insurance, etc? I can see using it casually, but legally places like school can't/won't allow the name change without a court order...

[Shelly77]

Greenmama -

My caseworker has indicated that the schools and insurance can use adoptive placement paperwork as the legal document for using the new last name.

[greenmama]

wow...that's great! we had to have the legal name change order in hand before anyone would do anything other than let him use the new last name in classroom!

[ocracoke]

My adoptive mom did not change her last name when she married my adoptive dad. My sister and I were placed together and told we could take either last name. My sister and I decided we did not want the same last name. She took my mom's and I took my dad's (I also changed my first name). I was 7 at placement and my sister was 9. Soon after adoption my parents divorced and we lived full time with dad. My sister never had an issue with having a different last name while in my dad's care and I never had an issue with have a different last name while in my mom's care. If anybody questioned it -- birth certificate. I do think that having the same last name gave me a sense of belonging to my new family.

Samantha