[Petmomma]

Hello All!

I have been reading these forums for several days now. There is a wealth of information here and I appreciate each poster/comment made. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences.

A little about me. I am 42, been married to my DH who is 37 for almost 6 years (nov 09). We tried to have a child after our first year of marriage, on our own with some surgical intervention, etc for almost 2 years but no luck. The issues were mine (my husband still says my eggs carried flame throwers) but I have severe Endo. Anywho, he has a son, now 9, from a previous relationship. He does not live with us. He's about 5 hours away. I love him but we had a very rough start. He was 3 when we met and I found it very hard to deal with a child that young. However, once he hit about 6 yrs of age is when I really started to bond (after 3 years) with him and we are great now. I was married before and had a step-daughter and step-son. SD was no problem but SS had anger issues from his Dad's divorce. I am no longer in contact with either.

I have some issues with depression and am easily controlled on medication. I have had my own issues to deal with regarding an abusive, alcoholic, physically abusive father. At 42, I finally feel like I have a pretty good grip on my life and what I want.

We have been considering adoption for several years now and are ready to take a step farther and begin making contacts. My questions are these. Will my background cause a problem? Also, I know, without a doubt, that I want older children. How is adopting according to birth order when the one child we have already is only here once or twice a month? We fully expect, as step-son gets older, that he might end up living with us to be with his Dad. I would imagine this might be a few years, maybe 3 or so. We asked him if he could have any brother he chose, would he want older/younger. He said older but also maybe the same age. He said he is lonely. His mom has remarried but has not plans to have any further children. My husband's concern is for his son's potential jealousy, not just at having to share us, but also that this child would live with us but he wouldn't, as of yet.

Of course, I would have to have full backgrounds on any potential child so we wouldn't worry with them being a danger to our child or abuses to pets. We have several and also foster pets for our local humane society.

I think that will get me started but I might ask more as things progress. I hope that's ok.

[cborsa7]

Congrats on your decision to consider adoption!
Your family dynamic is similar to ours. Our son was 9 when we started our adoption and our adopted son came home at 9 months. It has been an amazing journey and we have been lucky to have no problems. It has been a little over a year since home and we have not experienced any jealousy issues as of yet. I would say this is probably going to be based a lot on the child. I think it can work out quite well though if the child is looking forward to having the new sibling. I also don't know what things would be like if our adopted son was closer to the bio's age. That may change the dynamic a bit.

You don't mention if you are looking into domestic/foster or International. My thoughts would be regarding the depression, International could be a challenge. Their are some countries that will be a no-go on this, some can be more flexible. I wouldn't recommend International for you based on your interest in having any info on the child either.

Something important to remember, the chances you are going to have a lot of background(let alone full) on an older adopted child are slim. It's slim with an infant in most cases. Even when info is available it isn't usually always accurate. You will need to read up on the challenges with older children and be prepared to handle those. It can be most rewarding but everyone has a different degree of challenges that they can handle and you would need to be prepared for this.

Wishing you luck on your journey!

[kretzklan]

I was also wondering if you were talking international or domestic. Internationally, they don't 'like' any form of mental illness. However, there are ways to discuss things with your doc and have the paperwork reflect where you really are (controlled with medication). Since you've been reading - I can tell that you know what type of issues are possible with older child adoption...do lots of reading and soul searching for what you can handle. Honestly, I think the bigger issue than your step son's adjustment will be the adoptive son's adjustment when step son is around. That can be a big jealousy issue. But, here's the thing...sibling issues arise no matter what. Bio, step, adopted - it doesn't matter. Having said that - it has been hard on our oldest son to deal with two sibs with attachment disorder and I'm thankful everyday that he retained his status as the oldest one. It helps when the oldest gets the privileges (although they aren't actually based on age, but on maturity adn decision making skills)!

[Petmomma]

Kelly – Thank you for your reply! We are definitely looking at domestic adoption. One of my best friends works on KY’s Foster Care review board. She is quite helpful since they do see some information that is sometimes hard for potential parents to see. We have identified 3 children we are interested in but are open to others. We are not in any rush. Heck, it’s taken us 3 years to get to this point! But this is too important a decision to us and to any child to go faster than we are comfortable.

Kretzklan – Thank you to you also! Yes, we are narrowing down what we think we can handle. My husband’s Dad abandoned he and his Mother when he was young, and with my own issues from my Dad, we have dealt ourselves with abuse, abandonment, attachment issues, etc. We know different ways of dealing with the long term issues that these kids face because we have been there ourselves. We know they may never heal or that they won’t heal totally, and that healing comes on their terms and their timing, even with our love, guidance and support. But we know we can give them a good foundation to start with and what they do with it is up to them (with any help they need/want). We will also take time to work with my step-son. But you bring up a great point about our potential adopted son being jealous when our step-son comes to visit!! Thanks for that insight! And you are right. I have 3 older sisters and I am the youngest. We still have issues! Tho, not the knock down drag outs we used to have

[MilehighDad]

I think your step-son is a complexity you need to consider when deciding who you can adopt, but I don't think he is a "problem" with adopting. Yes, there could be issues while everyone settles in, but long term I think most kids like to have siblings, even if they are part-time ones.

As for your depression, it will definitely be a consideration during your approval process because bringing in a foster child for adoption will clearly put stress on you. Your homestudy worker is going to want to know that you are indeed stable. I'm glad that you're reading some of the other posts, make sure to hit the special needs category, as well. What you'll see is that traumatized kids can rip their parents' hearts to shreds and then stomp on them. You will have to have the strength to love them and accept them anyway.

Your past traumas are also a concern, because although it does give you better insight to understand the kids, stress and conflict in parenting can also bring up issues from your past. It is all too easy under stress and through desperation to fall into the same type of parenting we learned directly as kids from our parents. You will have to keep that from happening.

With all that said, you also clearly expressed your desire to adopt and are looking at all the issues in a clear and reasonable manner. You obviously want to do your best and I think you will be willing to seek help when you need it. Because of those things, it sounds to me like you'll make a great adoptive family and I truly wish you the best.