[trixiebell]

My hubby and I went to an interview this week with a county for 2 boys - 12 and 13, I got a call today that the worked wants us to meet the kids for icecream next week. We are not matched, the kids are old enough that they want them to participate in the process but the worker did say she really had a good feeling about us so she is keen...

I am completely intimidated about the idea of meeting these two kids for an hour and that being the basis of all our decision! I have read their profiles and talked to the worker for several hours and they really sound like a wonderful fit for us but in my sw words "now it comes down to if the kids sw sees chemistry at the meeting" (which makes it sound like a blind date!).

So I am hoping someone can offer some wisdom ... anything would be very very welcome. We have been foster parents to 6 kiddos, all gone home now, and have no bios, these boys would be our only...it is a little bit of an nontraditional match, DH and I are only in our mid twenties so there is not the typical age gap between us and the kids...

I am running around taking pictures to show them - our house, our pets, the local school, what we do on weekends ... apparently the kids are very chatty and already have a load of questions for us ...

[filswife]

wow.... how exciting! I think your feelings of being initimidated are normal. Especially if you have never parented teens before! They are a wiley breed! I would relax, though. Enjoy meeting them, be yourself and if it is meant to be, it is meant to be! I know that sounds kinda of wishy washy.

[MilehighDad]

That is awesome! I've been trying to come up with some great wisdom and failed entirely. But, I also think it will be WAY EASIER than you think. Ask about school, ask about sports, talk about yourself and talk about your home. We took a photo book to flip through the pictures and talk about them in addition to the scrapbook that was given to them prior to meeting us. Having pictures to flip through automatically gives you something to talk about.

The other think I wanted to say is that you should kick your social worker under the table next time she's not looking and pretend like it is an accident. That is really mean to put all the pressure on you that there has to be "chemistry" to make the match. Sheesh! Everything is not riding on your first meeting, you just need to get started and get to know them! You're going to do great!

[joskids]

I'm with "Mile High". There is no way you will know if these boys are a match for your family in one hour. Be sure to assert yourself, let the agency know that you will need time and ALL of the information they have available. Insist on talking, first, with previous and current foster parents, teachers, etc. There is much to be learned and you have a right to take your time with a decision that will change your life forever.

And best wishes. I know what an exciting time this is for you. I remember, like it was yesterday, meeting our daughter, who was 2 years old. She's now 10 and tall and beautiful, talented and bright.

Keep us posted!!

[Binny]

We met ours for the first time at the end of April. It was stressful, but exciting. I dont really have advice except to pray, be yourself as somebody already mentioned, and mine had a list of questions, so answer them and be prepared with a few of you own. We all like to talk about ourselves, so like another mentioned, get them to talk about themselves. Plus icecream is fun and can tell neat things about you too and them too. For example, our girls were asking about toppings they could pick etc and without even realizing it, when we sat down 3 of us all had the same base of icecream. It was a neat little starter all unplanned.

[trixiebell]

Just wanted to thank everyone for their answers and send a little update. I was a bundle of nerves but not nearly as much as the kids, within a couple of minutes everyone relaxed and started really talking, they had written a list of questions, the normal kid stuff like can i have a tv in my room (which was great as it gave us a chance to establish that there would be boundaries and rules) and lots of questions about what we do, and where they would be while we both were at work and what the school was like. the meeting was only meant to be an hour but we were there for two before the SW suddenly noticed how long it had been!

so now we wait. apparently the SW is calling thursday to let us know whether she wants to do a second meeting soon, the other plan is to maybe introduce the boys to several families and let them express a preference, at least that is what their SW told our SW was an option (before we interviewed)...which seems like a very odd way to do things, i would think they would see how the first family meeting goes before deciding whether to do it all again (because it must be a really stressful experience for the kids) but she made it sound like the plan really might be to introduce them to several families no matter how the meetings go ... but she also said they need to moved before the end of the school year, so who knows?

Waiting nervously for the phone to ring...

[MilehighDad]

Congratulations! Sounds like it went great!

I'm really concerned about the way the SW's are handling these boys, though. I thought there were established guidelines about introducing kids to parents, but they aren't following anything I've ever heard of. There is always a significant threshold of "believability" that you have to overcome, particularly with older kids. In other words, you have to convince the kids that this is really going to happen and you are really going to be their parents. Having visits with multiple parents and then picking and choosing is only going to make all the parents look bad in different ways and I think it will undermine your ability to convince the kids that this is for real. Yes, at that age the kids need to "buy in" to their placement, but I don't think they should be given the impression that they are completely in control of the process.

Well, sorry for adding more worries, but maybe you can at least say to the worker that you want to form a solid base with them and a commitment and that is hard to do when the decision is uncertain about where they will be placed.

Still, I think it's great that the meeting went well. Be sure to be honest with yourself and your spouse about their issues and your capability to meet their needs. In my mind, this is your chance to decide to go forward or not, and it needs to be a good one that you can live with for the rest of your life. If you have any concerns, these boards have lots of information on what it is like to live with some of the issues you may face. Unfortunately, there are not as many stories about when things go well, because it is human nature to seek support and share when it's hard and less likely when it's easy.

Yay!

[trixiebell]

Thankyou for the advise, we both truley believe that we can cope with the issues they have, it seems like a very very good fit...we know it is our chance to voice concerns now but we are actually very comfortable with where we are, concerned about how it is being approached, much as you are, but hoping that is just what they said and that we can maybe move ahead (if they felt it went well too)...

[MilehighDad]

Well, I sure hope that the workers can see how much you care about them and it all works out for all of you. Enjoy your start with them because there will be hard times in the future. They deserve all your love and compassion. I know you're going to do great.

[adoptmom2be]

I really hope it works out for you - I agree with the others that the idea of letting the kids visit with many families is strange - seems that would be more confusing with them and set a challenging expectation of who is eventually in the place of authority.

I will be thinking of you and hoping that if this the match for you it goes smoothly