[MilehighDad]

I just want to post what I'm doing the next two days. I'm on a solo journey to our new daughter's home state after she's been with us for five months. We're finalizing next month. According to federal law as interpreted by her home state, we can review her file only after she is placed for adoption and before she is finalized.

First off, I just want to make it known one more time that if finalization goes by, many states will no longer let you review your adopted child's file. But, I'm on this because our daughter said a few months ago, "Do you know why I was taken from my mom?" I was completely stunned and had to answer that I didn't really know either. The social workers said she was abandoned, but since none of them worked the case SEVEN YEARS ago they didn't seem to really know either. Somehow, I always thought that social services had a responsibility to make sure a kid knew why they were in care. She's eleven, I think she can understand a few things.

Anyway, I'm dreading this more than I can say. I don't want to see the pain in her life laid out in detail in page after page of sterile documents. I'm worried that the actions of the social workers will seem completely unjustified and harmful, the same opinion I've had of some of the things they've done since we got to know her.

But I know without a doubt that I owe her the chance to know everything I can find about her past. I don't think that is going to make tomorrow any easier, though.



P.S. Ok, no flaming now for the "my mom" above, those are our daughter's words and we learned long ago that the "code" from her or our oldest adopted daughter is that "my" is distinct and personal and means the mom that belongs to her alone. It means her birth mom and we have never had confusion on the issue, my wife is just mom.

[millie58]

Good luck!!! Keep us posted!!

[MilehighDad]

Spent entire day reading file, I'm mentally and physically exhausted. To anyone who considers doing this, it was definitely worth the time and effort, even though I had to travel 1000 miles. I didn't learn anything shocking or completely new, but I did find many of the missing pieces to the puzzle. Several things she does make perfect sense when considered knowing about certain traumatic events in her past.

I have almost another full day tomorrow, I'll have to hurry to sort through it all, let alone reading it all.

The biggest question I have is: why couldn't they see how to help her? It seems obvious to me.

[filswife]

I applaud you, MileHighDad. I just went through just one folder (albeit a large folder!) of psych evals and counselling summations about my new boy for a time frame of '05-'07 and a couple of things from '08. HEAVY stuff... nothing shocking but like you said, why couldn't anybody see how to help him? It seems obvious to me.
it makes me phsyically ill the trauma this poor boy has been through....
Yes, it's worth it to get as much info as possible, I agree. It is emotionally exhausting so be ready for that!

I hope you didnt DRIVE 1000 miles! At least take a plane so you can take a nap!

[joskids]

I was struck by your posts, both of you, as to how blatant it is, when reading your childrens' files, that no one stepped in to help. My thoughts on CW's and why they don't help, is complicated. First off, there is so much turnover in the "system". Facts don't make it into the file when it is transferred from one social worker to another. Circumstances of a child's life are muddled or unclear or maybe the child himself doesn't remember exactly what happened. With one of our foster daughters, she was unclear about some suspected sexual abuse, she was young, didn't remember exactly what happened or wanted to forget it. Things started to come to the surface at our home but, at that point, our daughter seemed to want to forget about it or shrug it off as unimportant. It made me so angry that all we heard from a CW was that "there was some incident that happened a while back but it was unsubstantiated." Why don't they "substantiate" it to the best of their ability? How can a child deal with their history when things keep getting pushed under the rug. It's so much easier for a CW to forget to put things in the file, no one has to dig any deeper and the child can be allowed to "forget." Problem with that is they NEVER FORGET. Triggers happen all the time and we, as adopted or foster parents, don't know why and where they come from?

No one cares how difficult that makes our job as parents or foster parents who care enough to get to the bottom of what makes a child tick or what triggers the anger and denial.

Just very sad. I just had to comment . . . for what it's worth. This is what sickens me about children remaining in care for years before a parent's rights are terminated. I'm tired of asking myself how I can make it better when it seems such an impossible task.

[MilehighDad]

Joskids,
I have to agree about cases just sitting around being nothing but bad. It seems like a lot of the time that happens because the workers just have too many cases to handle.

In our daughter's case, she was actually TPR'd very quickly (18 months) and the foster parents she was first placed with wanted to adopt her. But then they never finalized for the next three years. Her behavior steadily declined until eventually they disrupted because she was basically out of control. They had lots of people trying to help, at least 4 psychiatrists, 3 therapists, school counselors, and her caseworkers. All reports of the parents were that they were doing everything they should and they were a wonderful support for her. But, yet they failed. After she left there, she has made steady progress and is doing ever so much better today.

It reads like many stories on this board where the parents desperately wanted to help her and just couldn't figure out how. And it still seems obvious to me and yet I get in heated arguments with other experienced parents on this board all the time.

The good part is that I can now tell her why she was taken from her birth mom, and I know beyond any doubt that her birth mom was not capable of taking care of her. Oh, and I did fly most of the way, but it was still a 3 hour drive from the airport.

[bluebonnet_72]

I'm suprised you aren't allowed to read the file until after they are placed with you. We were required to read the file and review it with a psychologist before they were placed with us. Once a family is identified for a child, a copy of the file, with last names, birthdates, and cities blacked out, is sent to the family. You read it, meet with a psychologist to discuss it, and only then if you are still comfortable you move forward to pre-placement visits. It is suppose to help prevent failed matches that would be traumatic on the kids. I spent weeks reading every detail in counseling notes, school records, medical reports, etc.

[filswife]

in my case, my 14 y/o is actually a "voluntary placement" and not in the system at all so all of my information I have had to garner from stepdad. Granted, he has signed several forms allowing me to talk to docs, therapists, counselors, school etc so I have had to be diligent about getting documents from everyone. Thankfully I didnt have to travel as far as MileHighDad to get any of it! We see our attorney next week to start the adoption process.

[MilehighDad]

Bluebonnet,
There have been several discussions of "full disclosure" on this board, but I think you are the first one who really got a full disclosure! I think that's great and the way it should be done. The downside is that they might scare off more parents early on, but if that scares them off, what would happen when they actually see the behaviors?

I forget which federal law it is in, but what is required is that "the adoptive parents may review the file when the child is placed for adoption." Different states have interpreted "review" differently, and many have taken that statement to mean that you can only review the file while they are placed for adoption, not beforehand when they are foster placements and not after finalization. I think your state has a much more reasonable approach!

We had a sit-down with our daughter and talked through the essentials of her story. She took it fairly well, although there are still some blanks where her memory doesn't seem consistent with what was in the file. I guess that is inevitable. But still, the trip was worth it to be able to talk to her and actually know what happened. I've had to swallow down a lot of anger about how she was treated and how her case was handled by social services.