[anglmin]

We have kind of a unique situation coming up. We have a terminally ill friend, who adopted her granddaughter as an infant. The little girl is one of our daughter's good friends, as well. Nobody in the family is stepping in to take the girl into their home, and the grandmother is desparate. The girl is only 6 years old. The grandmother (now "mom" of course) is looking for someone to take in the little girl. She is bright, sweet, but active, and "mom" can't keep up with her because of her illnesses. My husband and I are looking to offer the solution to the dilemma by taking the girl into our own home. We are not strangers to adoption, we already have one adopted older child as well as some bios.

We do not want to see this girl get bounced around in the foster care system. We have heard about guardianship and that a child can eventually be adopted by that family. I have also read something about "stand-by adoption", which fits perfectly with this type of case. I do not know, however, how guardianship to adoption differs from foster to adopt. Would you say it is a more favorable situation than foster? What kind of role does the govt. have in guardianship (as little as possible is preferable)?

We see this situation as definitely more favorable, as friends of theirs, to having the child try to fit in with strangers...especially since she's already been through adoption once before and does have family here (included her bio daddy) that naturally she would like to visit every so often. And of course we wouldn't want to cut off her grandmother's rights, not until she has passed on. We just have NO idea how to go about this. We also do not know how long she has left to live; could be months, could be a few years. If she doesn't get someone she knows to take care of her little girl before she dies, poor little kid would become a ward of the state and start going through so much more grief by being ripped away than if she had been living for a while with people she knows and have a smooth transition.

ADVICE, anyone???

[lucyjoy]

State laws vary so talk to a lawyer. Private guardianship can be done in most states. If the Grandmother is the child's legal parent, she should have a will designating someone as the child's caregiver after her death as well. She may need to revise this.

If biodad has contact he may wish to intervene and take the child as well. The courts may consider this.

It is best to prevent foster care from being involved unless it's absolutely necessary. You need to look at your state laws regarding guardianship to see if a court hearing is required when guardianship is granted and how long that agreement is valid and if it requires reviews.

[anglmin]

bio parents are mentally incapable of caring for the child so they are not an option. She was taken from them for these reasons and others in the first place.

I live in Missouri and have tried to find out laws online regarding this type of situation but all I could find was relative/grandparent adoption. But since no relative wants to step in, I'm kind of stuck as to what to do, since we are "only" friends. But I agree with you in that talking to an attorney would be best. And as for the will, I don't believe she has anyone named to take the child, which no doubt is why she is looking for someone.

[lucyjoy]

You can do legal guardianship or legal custody in Mo. Mo also does non relative kinship adoption. Non relative kinship adoption requires an adoption homestudy but if you have adopted before, all you need is a social worker to update it.

Mo is a relatively painless state to do this in. Contact a lawyer and they can let you know what paperwork and court appearances would be involved if any.

[anglmin]

I have the feeling inside my spirit that this is going to happen. It is unfortunate that the girl's family absolutely refuses to take her, but at the same time we have been praying for a few years about adopting again. We didn't have to go looking for this situation; it presented itself.

So we'll talk with the appropriate people and see what all we need to do to get this ball rolling. And probably have to gather documents...again.

[TxMom65]

One of my great aunts adopted her grandchild. She had to because the bmom was a drug addict, in and out of jail and dangerous. The story is very similar in that she found out she had cancer when the little girl was about 6.

The difference is that our family had many offering to take her. My mom was one. My aunt wanted to have someone outside the family adopt her. She felt it would keep her safer from the bmom. We respected her decision and my aunt passed away soon after the adoption was final.

None of it was easy but I wish you well in this process.

[anglmin]

Well my hope is that this little gir's mom (grandmother) will find peace as she makes decisions for her granddaughter, and that when the time comes, she can die knowing her little girl will be well-cared for. I found out she DOES have a family member named in the will but that person doesn't want anything to do with her. So yeah, she is desperate. And I do know of one family that wished they could help, but due to their own circumstances, they cannot. We, so far, are the only ones that seem to be not only demonstrating ability, but also willingness, interest, love, compassion, etc. to make this child our own.

[anglmin]

Alright so, right now, this weekend, we've got the little girl for a sleepover with my daughter. First time my little girl has ever had someone over like this We have actually never had her over before, so this is a good chance to get a little glimpse into what she is like when not in the environment we are used to.

I had a lot of warnings about her prior to this. They might scare some people off, but it didn't phase me one bit. But it did prepare me for things to expect and think about what kind of guidance/correction/discipline she might need, so that's good.

I already know she has some attachment issues. i saw that when I went to her house and she would not listen to her mom, ignored her, and would not give her hugs and kisses. She doesn't have RAD, however, so that's good. I have observed she is excitable, somewhat impulsive, very active, very creative, has selective obedience/disobedience issues (I noticed that getting nipped in the bud once I had to discipline her and my daughter with time out, though...she's been fine since), she has "decent" politeness and respectfulness.

My feeling so far is that she simply needs the appropriate avenues and guidances to direct what others call her "problems". These are not "problems". All in all, she is a good kid who I see has LOTS of awesome potential if she could only get in the right environments: spiritually (because in her mother's faith they don't have to have guilt, therefore it's difficult to feel bad for wrong you have done), mentally (as she is gifted and needs to be challenged), physically (as she is very active but the mom can't move around or hardly go anywhere), and emotionally (adoption issues over the past few years).

This, so far, is my assessment. The execution and practical application of course will be more difficult, but those are the things we just have to remember and focus on. It's too bad her relatives don't have the patience or love for her. I certainly do.

[lucyjoy]

A child with attachment issues is NOT going to let you see her true issues for quite some time. Please listen to what others are telling you about her problems because they will surface at some point and you need to be prepared to deal with them.

[anglmin]

I'm not going to be naiive or anything. I was already told before by her current adoptive mother that she has a few attachment issues. If I had not been told already, I don't think I would have noticed what I did. But since I already have one who is adopted, I know a lot of what it "looks" like, you know?

In any case, I'm not going to take those issues lightly, and if we do end up having her join our family, she will no doubt go through issues with grief, abandonment, unwillingness to attach, etc. and we would deal with those accordingly. I understand it likely won't be a pretty picture for a while. It's like they say, hope for the best but prepare for the worst!

[alys1]

I would think that doing a will ASAP on the part of your friend would be a smart thing to do here. To add provision as to who will care for the child.

[anglmin]

Yes alys1 I agree. The will that is currently in place actually has to be REVISED ASAP cause the one who is named to care for the child will not do so under any circumstances

The current adoptive mother is in frail health and will actually be going into surgery soon. She should probably revise it BEFORE surgery, just in case she doesn't make it out. It is already in place for us to take care of the girl during surgery, hospital stay, and home recovery (about 5-6 weeks total).

[alys1]

If you're in agreement on the will, I hope you'll help her to get it done. Facing surgery, frail health, small child -- she needs the help. It's something that's not that easy to face for a lot of people. It's helping a child to have stability and a good home, after all, a pretty important item.

[anglmin]

She DOES need help. but she is a proud woman and is having to swallow a lot of pride to find her help. she is in denial about much, unfortunately. she has just recently been counseled by their counselor that the person named in her will to care for the girl should not do so...because for one, she isn't willing. she might if she HAS to, but that doesn't help any. and with the attachment issues, it would only make things ten times worse, because she isn't willing to deal with them and who knows then. giving the girl to that person would make a bad situation worse. because when a child has attachment issues, a primary caregiver must be ready and willing to ATTACH, themselves, and be willing to take on the challenges the child faces. if not, it's hell on earth for both parties.

all this little girl wants is to have a "normal" family; one with a mom and dad young enough to be able to chase after her and play with her...and be consistent with her, and guide her in the direction she needs to go. she loves her grandmother, but the desparation she has for a mommy and a daddy is evident in her eyes, her actions, and her words.

She likes us, and is desparately trying to make us like her...to the point of little fibs which occured on the first visit. She saw later that we liked her anyway and fibs and lies weren't necessary...nor were they tolerated...so on the second visit this weekend i didn't hear a falsehood out of her mouth. that isn't to say she'll never lie again - she is a little kid, and human - but the point is she saw she didn't need to do that in order for us to like her.

anyway, things are coming around. our friend is coming to realize she must do what is best for the girl, even if she has to let her go before she leaves this earth. that will be the hardest part, naturally, since she wants to hold on to her little girl as long as she can, as any mother would. her coming out to ask and name someone that isn't family is going to take a lot of strength and courage. hopefully soon she will do so.