[GoddessDanu]

DH and I aren't even done with our home study yet (2 more months to go!) but I've been looking at the photo listings of waiting children in my state and am very interested in two children, 8 and 6 yeas old. I've been reading books about older child adoption and children in foster care but I was wondering if I could get your take.

Did you adopt an older child and if you did, how has the experience been for you? Thanks!

[Sdirector]

I can't give you a story on an "older child" yet, as we adopted my oldest son when he was 2 1/2, but we had him living with us since he was 11 months.

We are in the process of adopting an "older child" (ancient by most of the standards on here... 12). We are also extremely early in the process, and the matter is very complicated, so it really doesn't apply to most adoptions. My son's was the same way, complicated.

Hopefully, others will share some stories with you...

[kretzklan]

I adopted older kids from Russia in 2005 (ages 6 and 7 at adoption). I'm going to go with 'topsy-turvy' as my description of choice. It's tough as both of mine suffer from attachment disorder. I won't go into my whole litany of stories...and I think you are awesome for choosing older children. I know that one day I'll be so happy to see what we have accomplished - in the meantime, I need a nap!

[Canadamom92]

If you're interested in adopting older children from foster care, you might want to check out this part of Adoption . com (if you haven't seen it already):

http://forums.adoption.com/foster-care-adoption/

I was on this forum for a year or two before I realized that the foster section wasn't just about fostering, but also about adoption.

Hope that helps!
Dawn H.

[TxMom65]

I thought I had posted an answer to this. Maybe another thread.
My husband and I adopted an 8 year old girl who had been in foster care for several years. I knew her through school. She had been with a sibling until a few months before we got her.
I went into it thinking I was prepared for everything. I wasn't. I'm not trying to persuade you to not adopt an older child but it was hard. My daughter isn't even one of the tough cases but it was still very hard.
Had I answered you in the first six months of her placement I would have told you to run away as fast as you can. We are now almost 3 years in and life is so different. Yes, we have our moments and probably always will. But she is mine now. There have been many things to deal with. Her loss. Keeping in touch with her brother. Attaching to her and her attaching to us. Learning each other as people. Dealing with her past trauma.

Honestly, I would do it again just to have her. She is amazing and I am proud of her. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Also how I built my family.

[rk36]

We are adopting a 14 year old girl. She has been with us since the week before Thanksgiving and we are set to finalize this month. She has been an absolute sweet heart. She is so happy to be with us and we are so glad we have her.

She does what is asked of her and tries not to get in any trouble. She has had a girl picking on her at school but she acts maturely and lets the teacher or counsler know. We are so proud of her. She is very open and loving. She was a true god send.

The hardest part for us has been the the multiple doctors appointments and cw appointments. Some weeks we have four appointments back to back.

[Hadley2]

We are adopting a relative who has been in fc for four years, with us for over three. She was five when she came. We often say she is "on the mild end of everything."

If we only had her, it would be a very different experience, I know. To focus on one child with special needs is one thing. To juggle those needs against the needs of children already in the home is really, really hard.

The hardest thing by far has been her effect on the children already in the home. There have been good effects, to be sure, and there will be many good memories of childhood involving the new sister, but also the already-present children have both been thrown fairly far off course of many of the positives they had going before she came.

Our youngest, who is now the middle, was affected the hardest. In all systems, there is a tendency toward homogenization--while new child has become calmer, "nicer" in terms of showing appropriate care and concern, etc., the middle child has become less patient, kind, and understanding and a bit edgier and angrier (in a child who really had no anger before) in a street way. She also shows signs of depression that I know stem from the rapid loss of innocence and household changes--including shifts in her relationship with dh and I because of the new sister's special needs--when the new child came to live with us.

Simple example: She was used to crawling into bed with us Saturday mornings. That had to stop, abruptly, because of the new sister and fc rules. We couldn't allow one and bar the other. Also jealousy issues--new sister has no sense of the ebb and flow and turn taking within family attention. To this day, our biochild can't sit with me or cuddle without new sister pulling a jealous and trying to push in, too--regardless of how much individual attention she may have just received. New sister is just always there, hovering, paying no heed to boundaries, invading every space in life--family, friends, sports, academics, interests--middle child tries to carve out for herself. We do our best to separate and teach boundaries by model and words, and there is progress, but much of it is not really enough.

That part is really hard. I truly do have some regrets in that department and I know, because I'm human, that that negatively affects my relationship with her. Understanding and empathy can be there but they don't erase reality.

The other thing that is difficult is that "the mild end of everything" is extremely wearing long term. To deal with the same twists and turns on a daily basis for years is hard. Children with a combination of FAE and RAD/attachment issues, which can manifest as ODD, can be (1) very manipulative and (2) have a difficult time carrying over behavior concepts day to day and situation to situation. Some things are just "new" every day. The foundation, both brain development and family rhythm and values is just not there. I really do have to parent differently, and that is a little sad for me and the other children, too, because there is a much more rule-based, authoritarian system going than we started out with. And what we started out with was very good, but depended on early, early foundation building for respect, responsibility, and relationship.

Those are the big downsides to me. There are many upsides, too. The introduction of a completely different and often fun personality. The amazing strength of character in her perseverence and willingness to try. The amazing amount of actual self-knowledge that a child so young can have, even given the years of therapy, it astounds me. The disconnect between what she knows about herself, how hard she tries, and the results. Watching new traits and skills unfold that even a therapist said just would never be there. The companionship she brings to middle child, the stretching and forgiving in their relationship. Someone to keep all of us honest.

I think the biggest thing involved in adopting the older child, though, and perhaps it's true of infants as well, is that you really have to go into it with a huge amount of respect for the integrity of the child's whole personhood--the entirety of their life experience, previous and current relationships, physical, mental, and emotional history and development--all of it is part of them, especially their own conscious and innate knowledge of what they can and can't/don't want to handle. I just read that and it sounds a bit fuzzy, maybe somebody else can say it more clearly, but your relationship just has to start with respect for everything the child brings with her.

Good luck on your journey. I hope things turn out well for you and your family.