[Anteee79]

I am new to the board so let me briefly introduce myself. My family dynamic is a bit complicated, but I see alot of different kinds of family in many of the posts so I feel you will understand. I have legal guardianship of my two nieces (14,17) and my nephew (13). I am also caregiver to my adopted siblings who are significantly younger, two sisters (12,6) and a brother (8)...they are all biological siblings but we got them at different times.
Three years ago my mother and I decided to combine households so we could support each other because we lived about 80 miles away from each other, so neither of us had backups locally in case of an emergency. This change has had several positives, but as you can imagine with 6 kids there is bound to be lots of chaos sometimes.
The current issue is with the 12 year old and I am hoping you guys can give us some advice. She was my mother's first foster child. We got her into foster care at 4 and she ws adopted at 9. When she first came into care we had major behavior issues with her, she was diagnosed with ADHD, she was kicked out of preschool due to her behavior, but we felt like she slowly reduced her tantrums and we were actually able to ween her off her ADHD medication 4 years ago. It seems like recently we are back to square one, but now she is 12 not 4 and she is so defiant and disrespectful that it causes us to have regrets about adopting her, hence the title "guiltridden". She tells us that she doesn't want to be apart of our family that she hates us and she doesn't understand why we adopted her. All of this of course is very difficult to hear and I will be honest and say that she pushes us to the point where we sometimes say mean things to her too. She is seeing a therapist and has recently been diagnosed with depression and a mood disorder and put on medication. We'll see if it helps, but I am a bit skeptical about kids and antidepressants. I just hate the way I feel. I am not her adoptive parent, but that is really just a technicality, because my mother and I both parent her. I encouraged my mother to adopt her despite all the issues because I knew she would be a difficult child to place and I felt if we hung in there things would get better. Right now we are just overwhelmed and we have 5 other kids to take care of, so I feel like we are just unable to give her the time she needs right now. In addition her behavior tends to trickle down to the younger ones and we just end up with a circus.

Is it wrong for us to to fell like we made a mistake? Has anyone every had these feelings?

Thoughts ...

[lucyjoy]

Fe elings are what they are so not sure they can be classified as right or wrong.

When kids hit the teen years, they often repeat thier 2 year old behavior(only they are much bigger). Are you working with a therapist who understands adoption and trauma? Do either you or your mother participate in her therapy sessions?

The onset of puberty is also a big trigger for kids who were sexually abused. Not sure if you have background info that would help identify if this could be an issue.

It sounds like this child has a lot of power she cannot handle. Try not to respond to her nasty remarks. 'i hate you" sometimes gets a calm response of either "Sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sure you do" followed by whatever request prompted the outburst. Same with "I wish you'd never adopted me."

Hope things get better.

[MilehighDad]

Antee,
First let me apologize for not answering earlier, I think you need the support and to know people care and have dealt with feeling the way you are. I think Lucy is giving good advice about your feelings - and that is mostly that you simply feel the way you do and can't change it. As a Dad of 5 kids, I think most anyone who has six in their house is going to feel overwhelmed a good part of the time. Given that one kid is creating way more load for you than the others, it is a given that you are going to struggle with being frustrated with that kid. We have certainly felt that way in the past and probably will in the future. I guess one thing that is "easier" is that we have 3 kids that are difficult, lol!

The real issue becomes, what are you going to do when you are frustrated and upset? If you are demolished and can't effectively parent any of your kids, they all suffer. I don't think this is where you are, so celebrate that at least you haven't been knocked down yet!

Next, I think you should look at your expectations for your 12-year old and see if maybe she is just growing up the best she can. You mentioned disrespectful and defiant, which are really frustrating things for a parent. But, they are survivable behaviors that you need to coax her away from gently by loving her and helping her feel safe. There might be all kinds of things going on with her life that could be part of the cause, everything from PTSD from the past to just having a crush on a boy that has not noticed her at school. Even completely normal 12-year old girls can be completely dreadful to their parents, so unless she confides in you openly, you may have to try pretty hard to figure out if something is bugging her.

Finally, it is not wrong for you to feel like you made a mistake, but I certainly think you did not. She has a family that loves her, and eventually having that support will help her figure out who she is and what she wants from life. If she was bouncing around foster care, she would be trying to survive and keep herself safe and would hit 18 with very little capability to flourish. She needs you and loves you, even if she is being rotten sometimes and may not have a very good understanding of how to return your love. The more you can hold onto that belief, the more you can be strong for her, even though your insides are miserable.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing!!

[Anteee79]

Thanks for the great advice I really appreciate it. We are just taking it one day at time, we haven't had any major blowouts since the first message so that good :-)

[Rainbow mom]

First off (((HUGS))) I have been where you are. Here is a list of symptoms of a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) see if your DD has these. If so check which ones and make sure to take the list to her therapist.

Symptoms of RAD in Children

Superficially charming and engaging, particularly around strangers or those who they feel they can manipulate
Indiscriminate affection, often to strangers; but not affectionate on parent’s terms
Problems making eye contact, except when angry or lying
A severe need to control everything and everyone; worsens as the child gets older
Hypervigilant
Hyperactive, yet lazy in performing tasks
Argumentative, often over silly or insignificant things
Frequent tantrums or rage, often over trivial issues
Demanding or clingy, often at inappropriate times
Trouble understanding cause and effect
Poor impulse control
Lacks morals, values, and spiritual faith
Little or no empathy; often have not developed a conscience
Cruelty to animals
Lying for no apparent reason
False allegations of abuse
Destructive to property or self
Stealing
Constant chatter; nonsense questions
Abnormal speech patterns; uninterested in learning communication skills
Developmental / Learning delays
Fascination with fire, blood and gore, weapons, evil; will usually make the bad choice
Problems with food; either hoarding it or refusing to eat
Concerned with details, but ignoring the main issues
Few or no long term friends; tend to be loners
Attitude of entitlement and self-importance
Sneaks things without permission even if he could have had them by asking
Triangulation of adults; pitting one against the other
A darkness behind the eyes when raging

[Anteee79]

Thanks Rainbow Mom. She hs about two-thrirds of the symptoms you mentioned on the list so I will definitely bring this up with her therapist.

[kretzklan]

I was also going to mention attachment issues (I feel like a broken record as I seem to see it everywhere now) - and the list above is a great indicator. You are not alone in feeling like you would like a do-over with her. 12 is a tough age - I have a bio (supposedly well adjusted) 12 year old and he's a mess right now. Good luck and I would try to be part of all her therapy sessions.

[Rainbow mom]

How are things going? I hope you get some peace in between. Respite is definately important when dealing with a RAD child. Let us know how it is going.