[uwadad]

My wife and I are in the process of adopting a pre-teen girl here in Alabama. Have graduated group preparation and selection classes and have had our last home study now just waiting on first visit. Do any of you have any advice on how to gain trust in an abused child? We truly want this girl with all our hearts. Anything will be appreciated.

[TxMom65]

With us, it took time, work and therapy. We had to be consistant. We had a rigid schedule. There are some things that I don't think will ever leave my daughter. She has a fear of us leaving her. No matter how much we tell her she will be terrified if I am not the one to pick her up as planned. It strikes a deep fear in her.
Good luck in your journey. It is hard and each child is so different. I remember looking on here before our adoption wanting answers as to how long would it take. I saw that there are so many different stories and situations.

[uwadad]

That's exactly how we are feeling we know that she will need the therapy,and we are both on the same page as far as cosistancy. any thoughts on any certain books that may help?

[lucyjoy]

Greg Keck's Adopting the Hurt Child is a good book. Be sure to use a therapist that understands adoption and attachment. You need to be involved in the sessions as the idea is for you to be able to form a bond.

[MilehighDad]

I have been recommeding the book "Three Little Words" by Ashley Rhodes-Courter because it will help you understand how she feels and therefore why she will respond in ways that seem hurtful and difficult. We are two months into the placement of an 11-year old girl and almost 5 years into the placement of a 14-year old, and I feel like they are both doing great. But, it is very challenging and emotionally draining to keep giving them love and understanding when they often can't return it.

The biggest single piece of advice I would give is to always remain cool and level-headed. I can't say that we have always succeeded with that, but it is quite clear that every time we do get upset, it costs us greatly in the trust and security our girls have. They both will always escalate, escalate, escalate a situation. Our strategy has always been to stay with them when they are disregulated and help them come back down, but it is not always possible to stay without becoming visibly upset and then we have to back off and let them cool off alone. But, when we do succeed their trust grows, the bonding grows and their internal ability to regulate grows.

Everyone will tell you that pre-teen and early teenage girls are difficult, so some behavior is always just the age, too. Just remember that on top of that, she will have no reason to believe that you are going to be there for her and not just abandon her like everyone else in her life has done. That takes a long time to overcome, and I'm not talking weeks or months, but years.

[uwadad]

thanks milehighdad, we did go today and get the book three little words. we are going to start reading it together before she comes for first weekend.

[uwadad]

My wife and I got the book"Three Little Words" that book is an eye opener! For her to have gone through that many foster families, and the way that she could not keep any of her things when she was moved tore into my heart. I only hope that the child we are getting will not be that emotionally scarred. Thanks again for the recommendation.

[MilehighDad]

I'm glad you read the book and it helped you. I won't say that I think you enjoyed it, because I know I didn't. In fact, I read it in just two sittings because i had to get through it. But, after years with our oldest I think that it is an excellent insight into how our kids feel. And, unfortunately, I think the number of foster homes, the things lost, and the emotionally scarring are all very real and very much what we have dealt with. One of the hardest things for me was that Ashley's timeline is very much the same as our latest girl, from the age she was taken into care through the time she was placed with us, and including the number of placements. So, every time Ashley moved, I saw our daughter losing her things instead.

I, too, hope that your daughter had an easier ride through the system than Ashley. In your first post, you asked how to gain trust in an abused child and I think the answer is simple - you love her completely and unconditionally and then you wait. You may wait for a long time while it seems like she will never love you back. But, your patience will pay off and what you're doing is a great thing.

Good luck.

[jayzable]

My 16 year old (adopted at age 6) daughter and I both read this. I think it validated alot of my daughter's feelings.

Ashley also has a website that my daughter frequents, and she does speaking engagements in many areas.