[tlcboxergurl]

My husband and I are currently doing visits with a 15 yr. old girl that I knew through my job. She was in foster care and I knew about her case. She was adopted 2 years ago and was removed form her adoptive parents due to abuse. When I first considered adopting her I felt really excited and couldn't wait. We have been visiting for 3 months and now have overnight weekend visits. Ever since our first visit she was acting very disinterested in the places or activities we were doing. She kept asking what time we were leaving and saying she was ready to leave. We took her places she said she had never been like the Zoo, a water park and glow in the dark mini golfing. We have asked her what she likes and constantly shrugs her shoulders. It seems she wants to be entertained saying she is bored and wanting to be on the computer all day, but when we go out, she has no appreciation and acts as if she could care less. She is in a shelter now and it is beginning to feel that she just likes us to get her to she can be away from there, but not that she really wants to be with us. She didn't say thank you for her birthday or Christmas gifts and was very rude and impatient when visiting family at the holidays. We plan on talking to her about her attitude this weekend to see if it makes a difference. Her former foster parents recommended a change in medication so she can focus and being more firm with her. The foster parents of 5 years said she was always annoying when she lived with them too. She has a mild attachment problem as well. We just don't think there is enough time before she is 18 to make a difference. Should we back away now and just be mentors or give it more time?

[karla-k]

She sounds a lot like the girls that age that I taught in public school. If they showed too much interest or got too excited, they felt vulnerable and weak. This is her defense mechanism.

Bless you if you go through with this adoption, I know after teaching that age group that I could not do it. As much as I loved my students, I couldn't bring myself to adopt any of them. (Not that any were available for adoption.)

I don't have any advice for what you should do, just my 2 cents on possible motives for her attitude and behavior.

I ran into a former student the other day. I told her hello and used her name. She said she was surprised that I remembered her. I said, "You were a good kid (not really but had potential) and I always remember the good kids." She looked at me and said, "Well, I had a baby."

It was like she was telling me that I shouldn't like her and that she is not good. "I dare you not to like me" kind of a thing. She was like that as a 14 year old too It made me sad to see kids everyday that treated adults like that just so they could justify not getting attached.

[lucyjoy]

Sounds like sulky teen attitude. However, it also doesn't sound much like she wants to be adopted.

FYI-not sure what actual info you have but a disrupted adoption is often blamed on abuse by the former aparents when they are falsely accused by unattached kids. This girl may well have been abused but with the attitude and the fmom's comments, I would wonder.

Has she acutally said she wants to be adopted? She may not at her age.

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

[mrsred]

Sounds like it is time for a very honest and open talk. Next time you have a visit, just take her to your home, where you can sit and talk. Taking her all over the place to show her a good time, isn't what your life together will really be like anyway.
But you do need to ask her, point blank, if she really wants to be adopted, or if she would prefer to just be fostered. Mybe it would be best if you just took her in as a foster child? Then, if sometime along the line she actually wants to be adopted you could pursue that.

[tlcboxergurl]

I had the talk with her this weekend and told her that she needs to think about if we are the right match as personalities not based on if we have fun or not. She said she wants to be adopted but I told her she did have options like Independent Living. She didn't say anything after that. SHe does have ADHD and in her former adoptive home she was starved and locked in her room all night. SHe lies a lot although I know that the locked actually were true because the investigator took pictures. My husband is very annoyed by her behavior and when she calls us mom and dad there is no feeling behind it from her. We are not yet feeling the attachment either and don't want to hurt her by prolonging things but I also hoped we would try a little more. Based on the things her counselor has told us, like she does lie about dumb things and blames everyone else for her problems and constantly curses at the staff, should we give her 30 days to change or do you think its a little too late based on her age and having no change in her behavior in the last 7 years? Also what does anyone think about if we should mentor her instead?

[EZ2Luv]

Gosh that is one tough situation to be in, but only you know what is right for your family. This girl does have some problems, is there any way you could stall the actual adoption? I wouldn't rush into anything lkike this situation if it were me.
I am no expert, but I heard some wonderful advice when adopting children with problems. Ask yourself if you would adopt this girl if this is the best it would ever be? In other words would you be willing to live with her exactly the way she is now. Unfortunatly with these kids there is no garentee that things will ever get better, she may keep this attitude until she is out on her own. If you are will to accept this girl as she is, attitude and all, I would say go ahead with the adoption. However, your words tell me otherwise. Alot of times people go ahead with adoptions in hopes things will change once the child is home, sadly this is not always the case and in some situations thing get worse. I am not trying to frighten you, but some of the greatest of parents here have experienced this and have exhausted every avenue of trying to help these kids change and it just doesn't happen. Also, her age has alot to do with it. She is so used to these attitudes and defense mechanisms(sounds like she has some walls built) that it might be too late to expect much change.
Personally, I agree mentoring might be a better option.

Good Luck
EZ

[lucyjoy]

I had a psychiatrist tell me to put a lock on a kids door because he didn't think the alarm was enough to keep us safe-so a picture of a lock does not mean the child was locked in. We also flipped the doorknobs around to prevent kids from locking us out of rooms(I had kids who hurt themselves when angry) so even though we didn't use locks, there could have been pictures. And according to one of my kids, I was always starving him(he ate all the time and was NOT deprived food ever). I never believe that stuff when a child has a long history of lying.

You can't ask a child to change in order to be adopted. They can't, and it's not fair. If you don't want to adopt, don't. I do think asking a child what they think their lives will look like when adopted is fair(and therapists should be asking this). I think pointing out that a child seems unhappy with the visiting situation is fine for a teenager. But since you have been entertaining her, she also has not gotten a picture of real life. Perhaps visits should extend and be changed to reflect everyday life as it will be with you.

Good luck with your decision.

[Blessed2x.]

Perhaps you would have influence and joy long-term in the mentoring role....helping her transition to the adult she will soon be. Maybe she would resent another set of parent figures.

This is tough. You obviously are caring people.

[tlcboxergurl]

We don't go out all the time on the weekends. Some time was just go to the park to bike ride or hang around the house. When we went bike riding she complained the whole time and kept asking if we could leave or what time were we leaving. She was only focused on when and if she could get new fake nails. I told her she better save up her money if she wants stuff like that.

[Canadamom92]

Our dd who is 16 is often like that. I think I was at that age too, for that matter (although I had recently lost my mobility and was angry at the world). Being cool and somewhat tough is important to most kids at that age.

My dd just said that it would have been dorky for her to act excited about going to the zoo. She also would prefer to be on the computer or texting someone or reading 24/7 if she could - even if we're doing something else that she suggested. It's not because she doesn't love us, it's because she's 16. She's also the type of person who needs to be alone a lot, so I know that expecting her to hang out with relatives for extended periods will not bring out the best in her unless I let her bring some diversions.

I think I'd have to agree with EZ. This is her - she's a teen - she's self-absorbed as teens are. If you can love her through that period, you might have a great shopping buddy when she's twenty, or be the Grandma she needs for her kids.

[katie52]

I agree with you. Our 16 yr old daughter sounds pretty much like that in some ways. She was pretty disinterested in visiting with family on christmas eve after a few hours as well. She was polite and nice through dinner and dessert, but as time went on she kept looking at the time on her cell phone, between texting that is.

And i could not imagine trying to take her to the zoo at this age. This kid seems to be acting like most teens act, and given her life story, I understand why she does not seem enthusiastic or grateful. It is hard to expect kids from institutional life, to automatically know how to ,or feel like, saying THANK YOU for birthday or christmas gifts. They are sometimes not used to the ettiquette, and sometimes embarrassed or overwhelmed by 'feelings' that come with loving interactions.

And, let's face it, she does not probably feel that there is much in her life to feel thankful for. So even though you went to a lot of trouble to buy her some nice gifts, it most likely did not make a real dent in her pain. She might not make a good match for you guys if you have expectations that she cannot meet.

[Lorraine123]

If you cannot accept her just as she is, I would not go forward with the adoption. It isn't fair to expect someone to change. You can hope that they change and you can give them the tools to change, but then its up to them. She may simply make the choice to stay the same. Your acceptance can't hinge on that. I know it hard to realize that someone may chose a worse life, but she may.

Also - don't believe the reports of abuse. My daughter claims that I starve her. She claims that I don't let her out of her room. Not true. Pictures or not, don't believe it. A lock on the door does not mean she was locked in abusively. It may mean that she is unsafe.

If this doesn't feel right, don't do it. Trust your gut.

[joskids]

I'm with Lorraine. If it doesn't feel right to you, you might have to consider that the adoption of this child just isn't the right thing to do.

Lorraine is correct in saying that the abuse story may well be untrue. Most folks who have worked with older children thru adoption and foster care have dealt with lies that never end. Consider what you will do if you bring this child into your home and she claims that your husband or you abuse her. You could lose everything.

[MilehighDad]

I'm going to go against pretty much every response you have had so far and say that it sounds to me like she is doing great. I think what needs to be recalibrated is your expectation of who she is and how she can act. There is a huge long list of all the things she isn't doing that she could be, like stealing, cutting, pulling her hair out, sneaking out at night, drugs, etc. But the point is: it sounds like she is actually trying to get to know you and meet your expectations. She has no guarantee that you aren't going to give up on her, so why should she be relaxed and comfortable and happy? She is terrified that you won't go through with even letting her move in, so she is protecting her heart. In fact, her heart is probably so well shielded that she won't expose it for YEARS.

If she says she wants you to adopt her, then take her at her word! What she needs to hear, over and over again, is that you aren't going to give up on her and that you will keep trying no matter how she acts. If you can't make that true, then you shouldn't be stepping into her life and trying to make it better. She does not need someone else as a mentor or a friend or to take her out to the zoo once in a while. What she needs are parents, and parents are there for their kids no matter what. She knows what that means, but she does not trust that you are going to do it. She won't trust you and she will test you, much worse than this.

What you are trying to do for her is an awesome and wonderful thing. It is also brutally hard on your emotions and your sanity. She can't return your love, so you have to supply, in vast quantities, with no real return for a long time. But, if you succeed, you will have changed her life forever.

[HeidiK]

Awesome MileHigh - The very best post I have read in awhile. Excellent advice for us all