[sk8rgrl2]

Originally Posted by tlcboxergurl

I had the talk with her this weekend and told her that she needs to think about if we are the right match as personalities not based on if we have fun or not. She said she wants to be adopted but I told her she did have options like Independent Living. She didn't say anything after that. SHe does have ADHD and in her former adoptive home she was starved and locked in her room all night. SHe lies a lot although I know that the locked actually were true because the investigator took pictures. My husband is very annoyed by her behavior and when she calls us mom and dad there is no feeling behind it from her. We are not yet feeling the attachment either and don't want to hurt her by prolonging things but I also hoped we would try a little more. Based on the things her counselor has told us, like she does lie about dumb things and blames everyone else for her problems and constantly curses at the staff, should we give her 30 days to change or do you think its a little too late based on her age and having no change in her behavior in the last 7 years? Also what does anyone think about if we should mentor her instead?

I think with a 15- year old it is a wise and healthy thing to have an honest talk and ask her if she really wants to be adopted by you. It could be just "not clicking," or it could be attachment, could be her being a typical sulky teenager, or she could be feeling pressured to "bond" with you. I get the feeling that you are trying to be liked by her, hence all the extracurricular activities, as much as you are trying to get to like her. If so, attempts at rushing the bonding process can feel fake, and if she's just not "feeling it" then trying to push it will probably only make her more standoffish. Plus, is that how family life is really going to be, going to zoos all the time and museums, and she is possibly not trusting that, wondering "what's it REALLY like?

Honestly I think giving her a 30-day notice is asking for disaster. Either she will be able to "maintain" the desired behavior for a short amount of time, but sooner or later the restraints will fall apart, or she will additionally resent your asking her to be "fake" to put on a false face of happiness and cooperativeness.

I think you might want to cut back on the "fun" stuff. Obviously she's not interested in having fun with you right now. That speaks even more to a possible desire on her part to "see what it's REALLY like" before making a committment.

IMagine yourself on a first date. The guy keeps doing things to try to make you laugh, or at least to get you to show that you like him. The harder he tries, the more you shut down. At least I do. You would get annoyed, wouldn't you? Would you be wondering too, what does he want from me? What's the ulterior motive?

It's very possible that her last adoptive parents were very similar at first, putting on a show of fun activities and being all excited about it. If that's the case, then she might very well be assuming that you, too, will eventually get tired of her and lock her in a bedroom or closet. Or it will turn sour in some other way, to be sure. If you felt that way, you probably wouldn't warm up to new adoptive parents too quickly either.

Just because you don't get the show of appreciation that you're hoping for doesn't mean you don't make a difference in her life. It makes all the difference in the world to have family to always go to for holidays, and to know that someone will be cheering you on at graduation.

There are a couple of excellent books by Keck and Kupecky, pioneers in the psychology area of attachment. In their books they will address the lying and other attachment disordered behaviors you are seeing. things like lying and stealing (of petty things) are probably best dealt with from a practical consequence oriented perspective, rather than a moral one. YOu want to teach the child WHY the behaviors are not acceptable (I wouildn't even use the word "bad") instead of that the child is bad for doing those things. In other words, focus on the consequences of lying or stealing rather than react with disgust over the morality of lying and stealing.

But the bottom line here (sorry this is so long) is that if you choose to go forward with adoption, do so with the mindset that what you see is what you get. Ironically, you will really only be able to help her change her behaviors when you accept her exactly the way she is right now. She is not motivated to please you but she is motivated to feel secure. Ultimately, you will have to decide if you can accept her as she is or not, and she will have to make the same decision. It wouldn't be fair to her to put your pride first and say you're willing to go forward if you're truly not, but if you do, anticipate more lying and stealing though things can improve. However, even if her behavior improves, it is likely there will still be times when she will lapse back into the same behaviors.

but I better quit now before i rewrite Keck and Kupecky's book. Just read it yourself. Good luck.

[DET62]

I agree with Milehigh. She is terrified that you will reject her and that's why she's acting disinterested and rude.

I adopted a 13 year old from Russia in 2004. The best thing I ever did - and I so wish I had done it sooner - was get us both to an attachment therapist. Our therapist has a lot of experience with adopted kids from Russia, and has been able to really facilitate healing. My daughter was never a "bad" kid, but never felt like she could trust me, or that I was on her side. Now she understands that and our relationship has improved 100%. She's still a typical teenager, but much happier, as am I.

See Attachment Disorder | Nancy Thomas Parenting | Attachment.org | Reactive Attachment Disorder for a list of attachment therapists in your area.

Dee

[myangels]

Hi just wondering what you have decided?