[mamatasha]

Hello everyone!

I'll try to be brief. Our adoption story is not failed...yet, but very close to it.

We adopted my distant relative 3 years ago when he was almost 10. The reasons were all good and sincere. My family is large and I was determined to do a good deed and took orphaned boy in our family. We have biological children from the previous marriages living with us and we all got along really-really well. Until new member of the family came into picture.

We are struggling all three years and at the point of our family breaking apart. My husband just cannot take it anymore, cannot find contact or reason with our adopted son. I know, I may sound cold-hearted, but I cannot lose my husband over a boy who lies to us, steals from our house and from friend’s houses, he never said "sorry" or had any kind of remorse...ever. He just hates being caught. It scares me to even think about time when he is 16...

Now, he has grandfather who is willing to take over for a while, to help me out... My husband just wants to stop it and let grandfather to take care of the child permanently. But I'm afraid of doing that too. I'm ashamed and feel sorry for our adopted son. I feel sorry for him as long as I'm away from home. Once I'm home and hear about the new trouble, which happens almost every day, I just want this nightmare to be over.

I'm not trying to find excuse or way to make peace with myself while doing wrong thing - and giving him away does feel like a wrong thing. I'm just torn and hurt and crying... I'm so afraid I'll lose my husband because we cannot handle this.

What would you do?

Tasha

[Lorraine123]

Here is my opinion - should you sacrifice yourself, your marriage, your other children for one child? No. He has family willing to take him.

[minibus]

This sounds a lot like attachment issues to me. Are you working with a good attachment therapist? That might be a route to try if you haven't already. I'm sorry you're going through this. Best of luck.

[Hadley2]

My heart goes out to you. You just wanted to gather him up and love him and raise him, it is so hard when they don't let you...when they can't or don't know how or have lost wanting to know how. You will find a lot of people who live and understand this on the fost-adopt forums, especially special needs (attachment).

Was he truly orphaned or in an abuse/neglect situation? Was his family life healthy and well bonded before joining your family? Did he show signs of lack of remorse, violence, little to no facial expression, etc., before joining your family? I am asking because three years seems like a long time to be stuck in a stage of grief that would give rise to acting out, stealing, etc., even if he did not get grief counseling. It sounds more like attachment issues, post abuse/neglect issues, organic issues, or some combination to last so long.

Grief therapy, family integration therapy, and safe, healthy attachment therapy can make a huge difference. If your son is on state health insurance for children, it should pay for it. If he is not, your insurance may. If it does not, you may be able to contact your local social services office for help and a referral to a community mental health center--these are sprinkled throughout the nation and states to serve those without insurance. You may have to pay something, but it should be on a sliding scale.

FD, too, has been with us three years. There was lying, stealing, acting out, and a lot of just plain weird behavior in the beginning. There is still a little of all of that but far less. Therapy and knowledge really, really helped. We took a vacation from it for awhile, but will probably start up again this year for various reasons. I doubt she will ever be completely "done" with it.

I have found that older fd and my older kids best like therapies that focus on activities rather than talking, or at least talking while activities are happening, whether play activities, attachment activities, or integration, etc.

Something in your post makes me feel that you genuinely care about this boy but need to set healthy and safe boundaries for yourself and family. If grandfather is in the same school district and can provide respite for your family while you are working on a therapeutic plan, that may be the safety valve everyone needs for now. Just a thought.

At 13, your son is plenty old enough to sit down and have a nondramatic, nonaccusatory talk about how much you all love him, how it hurts you to see him still in so much pain, how you wish you could help him relax into, enjoy, and be a real part of your family life as well as live his own life more happily without these handicaps. If you've figured out a way to get him therapy, you can talk about that, but I'd avoid the word "therapy" if you can, lol, that may get an autoreject reaction from him--just talk about having found someone who can help....

Then maybe go with the flow for awhile if grandpa is willing. Make going back and forth as easy as possible--two sets of toiletries, etc., so less packing and remembering, less feeling of not having a real place.

Try to remember, too, that while he may have been "your" relative, he is now your dh's son as well as yours. He is not something you "did" to your dh or family, your dh chose to father him. FD is my dh's relative, but she will be our daughter (actually, have felt she is our daughter for some time now).

Try to find the book "Love and Logic", it will help. Also look for ranoutofnames on the forums--she has far more experience with the older child issues than most of us and has seen both miracles and the worst outcomes. I think she will have much good advice for you on how to deal with the immediate chaos without blowing your family up.

Good luck and blessings on all of you whatever you do.

[lucyjoy]

You said the relative was willing to take your son for a while to give you a break. It is tough to make decisions regarding disruption while in the middle of a war. Let the relative take him short term and give you a chance to think clearly.

This does sound very much like attachment and you will need an attachment therapist if you choose to continue.

I don't think it's horrible to decide not to let one child destroy your family. I kept a kid who did a lot of damage to my other kids by being here and ultimately, it didn't help him either.

Good luck with your decision.

[Linny]

I completely agree with Lorraine....and Lucy has given some good advice as well; but in the long run, you have to look at your entire family for-- or at the sake of ---one child. As Lucy points out, it's hard to make a decision when you're in the middle of 'a war'...and living with these kids IS a war zone. Not nice, not pretty, and always...the mother is hoping 'just this once, just this one time, maybe if we only do----'
And yet, much of the time, this just doesn't matter. Keep in mind that YOU and your family did NOT cause these problems. The child HAD these problems to begin with. You're only trying to 'un-do' what's already been 'done'.
And you'll have to decide if the 'trying' is worth 'un-doing' the rest of your family and husband.
Believe me, many of us have been in your shoes and heart. It's killing to consider 'giving this child to someone else'....but at least you have someone willing to take him for awhile. This is something I'd do, just to take a breather and be able to talk to your husband and the rest of your family who has to endure this child's behaviors.

Good luck.

Sincerely,

Linny

[mamatasha]

Thank you everyone so much for taking your time answering and for your support!

To answer some questions: he is an orphan in a sense that his father had never been in the picture and nowhere to be found, and his mother died of overdose when he was 5, leaving him with grandpa - in effect they both really abandoned him... Just a note: she was not doing drugs before pregnancy, or while being pregnant, but I'm not sure about drinking. There is no history of abuse, just pain.

Grandpa did talk to our son before we adopted him about having to be good if wants to stay with aunt etc. And I'm ashamed to admit, that this time in our current crisis I told our son that he might have to live with grandpa if he doesn't like being with us, because it's obviously doesn't work. I know we shouldn't have done it, but it's so hard to keep it all inside.

I do care for him, but feel that my ability to keep working on it is currently spent. I'm trying to make it last till summer and will sure try to enroll in some therapy (thanks again for all the advice!). The challenge with sending him to grandpa - it's not just other school - it is other country, language and everything. Summer holidays could be easier to take a break, but I'm not sure if my husband can accept his return.

It's tearing me apart, and you are right! I do feel like I DID it to my family, like it's my fault, because he is my relative. My husband is not blaming me. He is just more final in his decisions and feels that he is "done" and he is able to let go better than me. But I don't want to let go, I can't really... I feel I took this responsibility and I have to keep going.

Thanks all!
Tasha

[kretzklan]

So, grandpa is a long way away - a whole other country? Then it really won't work for that to be respite care. Can you find a respite provider in your area? If you think that you may want to attempt to integrate him into your family, I would not send him away that far. You do need an attachment therapist as soon as possible. They can lead you down the right path - but that won't make it easier on your family right away. I had to sit down with DH and oldest DS and have a "family" chat about what was ahead for us with attachment therapy. It does lessen some hardships, but some kids act out worse before it will get any better!