[outlxx]

My husband and I are the biological parents of two children, ages 19 and 16. We began pursuing adoption about two years ago. We are now working with a sibling group of four children, ages 12, 10, 6, and 4. There are no behavioral problems or serious disorders affecting these kids. However, we are not feeling the sense of connection we expected to by this point. We met them three months ago, had regular visits, and they have recently moved into our home.

Though these are incredibly intelligent, lovable kids, we just don't have the right feelings towards them. Our 16-year-old admits to having similar concerns, but thinks we just need more time to bond with them. I fear prolonging the arrangement, however, will only make it harder on the children if it doesn't work out.

Has anyone else had similar issues in their adoption? Are we naive in believing that we should have connected with them by now?

[mom2behappy]

believe more time is needed. its not always a instant connection with these kids especially older kids. i'd say stop worrying about connecting so much and just enjoy the kids the conectin will come on its own

[ncsingledad]

I heard somewhere that attachment will take about 1 month for each year of the child's age, so a 12 year old might take a year to attach.

It's even harder in your situation since they're certainly a close sibling group. I think you just need more time.

[Rainbow mom]

This is just my observation, I am no expert. We have adopted two older kids and two newborns. With the newborns they depended on us so the attachment was pretty quick and straight forward. With the older two, it was not immediate and I actually felt guilty because I thought I should " Deeply LOVE" them immediately. It took time maybe a year with the second son but our first son is RAD and I don't feel fully bonded with him still, 14 years later. Don't get me wrong I love him but it is a reserved kind of love one might have with a porcupine.

Good luck, ask for help with an attachment therapist is my only advice.

[Linny]

This is a tough one. I think Rainbow Mom's advice to talk to an attachment therapist might be a good idea.

You mention that there are no behavioral problems, etc, yet you just don't feel connected. Can you sit down with your dh and talk about this, actually pinpoint the possible 'whys' of it all? I fully agree that the longer you keep them in your home in hopes some connection will come about, the more damaging it could be should you choose to disrupt the placement.
And, to be honest, we had a placement that just didn't feel right---but we kept on. Years later, I can honestly say we should have trusted our gut as there WAS something wrong. However, his behavioral problems WERE evident---intense and with no reservations.
But, if this isn't the case here, then maybe there's something more to it. Not saying that's necessarily 'bad', but I do believe it's something that ought to be addressed sooner than later.

And, if by chance, you decide you shouldn't continue with these kids; realize this isn't necessarily your fault. Poor matches DO happen; with no real fault of the hopeful adopting family OR the kids to be adopted.
Just don't 'let it slide'. That could truly cause more problems as time goes on.
Good luck.

Sincerely,

Linny

[minibus]

Just an opinion, as I certainly don't live in your shoes or know what you're going through. My question is ... could you provide a home and love for these children until they're of age if you NEVER feel "bonded" to them? Maybe the time will come when you feel bonded, maybe it won't.

Could it be that what you feel for this sibling group is just different than what you feel for your biological children? Not better, not worse, just different?

I think that bonding takes time and it's not the same for everyone. Also, if they've just moved into your home (even though you've known them for 3 months), things are still changing ... I would give it more time, unless you answer the first question with a "no".

[crick]

I don't think 3 months is long enough. You've got 4 separate personalities to get to know and connect with, a group as a whole to connect with, 2 existing families to combine and etc. etc. etc.!

What kinds of things do you do with each of them and together as a family?

[lucyjoy]

I think it's hard when you add that many at once. It took me far longer to feel connected to my sibling group then to my individual kids. I know for me, I had to decide to claim them and to work hard at bonding before I felt like these were my kids.

I had to decide that I wasn't going to give up.

Now I did keep one kid I didn't feel fit into our family well and I never did bond to him. If you truely feel these are not the right kids for your family, then you do need to back out cause it won't be fair to them. However, I'd give it more time. 3 months is barely enough time to adjust to the spacial difference and added chores/food/laundry let alone really get to know who the kids are.

If you can figure out a way, try to get some one on one time with each kid. That might help you connect.