[DMT1211]

My husband and I have been visiting with a 15 yr. old boy that we might adopt. We have 3 bio. children of our own they are 18 15 and 8. We are a Christian family and are trying very hard to raise our children in a christian home. It seems like it is getting harder and harder to do in this day and age. My question is the the young man we have been visiting with seams to like alot of music, movies and other things on the computer, games and such that we do not allow our children to do or listen to. We would like to welcome this young man into our home but we can not allow him to bring all the games, music and other things into our home to expose our children to. Do you think it is right to ask him to follow our rules and not bring that stuff into our home? He was very upset tonight when I picked him up and would not let him listen to the music cd he had. I want him to know we will love him and want to take care of him but I also want him to know that some things will have to change and he may not like them. Is it fair to ask him to leave some of these things at the shelter?

[lucyjoy]

I think you need to be very upfront with him about what will and won't be allowed. He may decide he doesn't want that. At 15, he has that right.

[DMT1211]

Thanks Lucyjoy I think you are right. After I posted last night I went to his room and had a talk with him about that. I told him that some of the things he has been allowed to listen to, watch, and wear would not be allowed in our home and that he would not be allowed to argue his point about it that we would stand firm on our decisions as parents when it came to things of this nature. I told him he was old enough to decide and that it would not hurt our feelings if he decided that our home was not right for him. I also told him he was welcome here and could come to live with us if he was willing to leave some of these things behind. I told him to sleep on it tonight and that my husband and I would talk with him tomorrow about it. I am just afraid that he will say that he wants to live with us but try to sneak these things in anyway. We have caught him sneaking around last weekend looking at some things on the computer he should not have been looking at. When we aproached him about it he lied.

[Sunnylove]

The most important thing is to stay firm and not change your mind. As for the computer, if he is going to sneak around in the middle of night and get on you can always put a password on it that has to be typed in before someone can log into the computer. That way when you are sleeping or not around he can not get on and do things he isn't supposed to do. Let him know that you know the changes will be hard for him but if he wants to continue living with you these things he must do. As someone else said, he has the right to decide whether or not he wants to live with you. Just make it very clear that if does decide he wants to stay that he will have to follow your rules. If he can follow the rules, then may have to stop having him live with you. You also have to consider your other children and how his behavior may affect him.

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by DMT1211

I am just afraid that he will say that he wants to live with us but try to sneak these things in anyway.

My opinion would be that undoubtably he will sneak those things.

It seems to me that if you plan to adopt a teenager, it is important to be flexible and tolerant, though not about activities that actually harm (as opposed to those than offend your beliefs). His identity is tied up with his likes and dislikes, he is at an age of discovering himself.

It seems wrong to tempt a 15 yr old with a home, even though he has the right to refuse he is still so young and needs a home, perhaps he will choose to have a home and then suffer because your family will disapprove of his preferences (and in his eyes disapprove of him).

I'm not sure you should tell a 15 yr old what to wear. Some control over a 15 yr old is appropriate, but if your standards are vastly more conservative than what the other kids at school wear, it would just be asking for problems to try to send him out in, say, a suit and tie (or whatever clothes he would feel were just as bad as that).

Do you consider this a one time choice? Are you likely to tell him next year that he is failing in conforming to the rules, ruining the whole Christian atmosphere of your home, and that by his behavior has 'chosen' to leave your family?

I think an adoption of a 15 yr old would only be an act of kindness if you can accept him as he is. Forcing (and making a kid choose between a home and not a home is force, IMHO) him to give up what he likes to listen to, watch, and wear seems to me to be asking for rebellion. Perhaps by your example you can influence him, or at least show him another path.

[Linny]

Chiming in here later......IMO, this is a set up for failure. I don't mean to sound so harsh; but I completely understand how/what you mean by not wanting him to do certain things within your home. And, because we'd be the same way, there's no way we'd consider adopting an older child who's been used to dealing with some things on his own terms. Yes, many teens have and do--whether awaiting adoption or not; but the older a child is, the higher the chances for disruption. That said, adopting a teen has it's own set of issues, but knowing from the start that some of 'his issues' won't mesh with your family now, is, like I said, IMO, a set up for failure.
And, the other concern in this, would be that you're upsetting the birth order within your home. You mention that you have an 8yr old too. Bringing in a much older kid who's been versed within the foster care system is taking a significant risk for problems too.

Perhaps considering a much younger child for adoption would be better? At least adopting a child younger than 8yrs old might match better with your family.
Again, I don't mean to sound judgemental or harsh. Our family has gone through horrific times with older adopted children and I wouldn't wish those moments on anyone.

Sincerely,

Linny

[DMT1211]

I would like to thank everyone for their input and advice concerning this matter. I believe that some of you have been very understanding in what we are going through but I have to say to Howdy I believe you are a little harsh and judgmental yourself. You should try to understand that we are trying to do a good thing and that we are trying to lead by example by the life that we lead everyday in front of our own children. As for your comment ( Do you consider this a one time choice? Are you likely to tell him next year that he is failing in conforming to the rules, ruining the whole Christian atmosphere of your home, and that by his behavior has 'chosen' to leave your family?) I think that is absurd for you to think that we would have him with us and be a part of our family for a year only to tell him we don't approve of him. I would expect better from a "Senior Member" than this. I asked for peoples opinion but if that is all you can come up with just keep your opinion to yourself. Yes we are a Christan family and yes we do want to help this young man but no we are not going to allow certain things in our home. ie. porn on the computer, even soft porn or anything close to it. And limit the games that consist of more than running around and killing everything in site with graphic detail. Music that talks about killing, going to hell, I hate you and wish you were dead, etc...And clothes that aren't appropriate to wear to a wedding, funeral, or a nice night out, etc. We will ask him to not wear a shirt that is offensive and may not even be allowed to be worn in a public school and yes we will expect him to follow our rules, and we don't expect him to like some of them, just as our other children have. I am sure that when you were a child you did not like all the rules your parents gave you either. We also will love him and care for him and be there for him even when things get hard if that is what he would like for us to be and do for him. I would like to address everyone else now and let them know that we had a talk with him last night on the way to take him back to the Children's Home from our weekend visit and we told him that he is a wonderful young man and that we would love to have him in our home as one of our children if he so chooses. We also told him that we understand that he has not had allot of say on things in his life like ( where he must live and who he must live with) and we told him that this is one decision that he does have control over at this point in his life and if he thinks we are not the right parents for him or if he does not feel comfortable at our house that we are adults and it won't hurt us if he did not want to live with us. We made sure he understood that while we would love for him to come live with us he should make this decision for him and not us. We told him we just want for him to be happy whether that be with us or with another family. We asked him not to make a decision now but to think about it and pray about it as well. I believe he has the right to make this decision for himself while I do think in some ways he may not be able to make an informed decision because he is only 15 I still think it is important for him to make it not us. We continue to talk to our own children to make sure they don't have any concerns or if any have come up. It is amazing to me how children can see things in a much more simple way and don't seem to get bogged down with the major concerns like adults tend to do. I just can't express how proud I am of all three of our children and their compassion for others. They want this to work for this young man and for our family. They want to and have opened their hearts to love him. We will continue to have open communication with them being mindful of any concerns that may come up in the future. Thanks again for all your advice and we will keep you posted.

[txwannabemom]

I comend your choice to pursue teen adoption. I too am adopting an older child (12) from foster care. I think you may have gotten offendend accidentally. It is fair to regulate some of what teenage children see/ hear / and of course do. However, the reality is that at 15 his tastses are probably somewhat set. If certain things are not allowed, he then becomes conflicted about what he likes vs. wanting a family. At 15 what you like/ dislike is a pretty strong part of your self image. If you really can't live with 75% and regluate 25% of what he is interested in then he may not be a good fit for your family. While he is able to contribute to the deiscion, you are still the adults who have to decide. I would be willing to expect that he will contin ue to pursure interests you don't like outside of home, or clandestinly in your home. (Sorry for bad spelling)

[Lorraine123]

I feel that if you bring a teenage foster child into your home, you have to be prepared to have a child that does not agree with your standards. A foster child has had experiences that your biological children have not. They are not in foster care because they had a stable, loving, moral family. You can't change that. If it is very important to you that the conform to your rules, then I think teenage adoption is not for you. My daughter, at age six, when she came to us, had many behaviors that didn't fit with our family "rules". She cussed, she stole, she lied, she was sexually inappropriate. (still does 6 years later) I did not expect her to change just so she could fit into our family. In fact, just the opposite, we had to do a lot of changing. She will probably never adopt our family "morals". But I do believe that she is internallizing some things. With an older child, that is success in my book.

I don't agree that you should give this boy the option of either obeying the rules or living somewhere else. If you feel that you can't live with someone who disobeys the rules, thats fine. But you then need to pass on this placement. This boy will disobey the rules. Someone else asked - what will you do then? Its a valid question.

I don't mean to sound harsh. All families have situations that they cannot accept. You have to determine what that is for you. You have to determine your "line in the sand". It is different for everyone. My line in the sand is scary violence, your may be pornography. Others may not tolerate lying. You have to determine what is exceptable and find a child that fits that criteria. I don't believe that you should expect the child to conform to your beliefs when they have so totally opposite life experiences. For a traumatized child who has experienced much rejection, that is too much.

I realize you are trying to do a good thing. We all are. But you need to find where you fit. You need to find a child that fits. This one doesn't sound like the one. IMO

[jenf]

I do not think this is a good match, either. If you are already disapproving of his choices, don't think things are going to change when he moves in! 15 is a difficult age for any child, now you will be dealing with the baggage that comes with a child of the system. You may be successful in controlling your biological children who have grown up in your environment, but bringing in a teenager, you are going to have a much more difficult time. I don't think you should have gotten so offended with Howdy's reply, as I agree with what he is saying. I'm sure you are trying to do a good thing, we all are, but I don't think this situation is going to work well. I am both a biological and an adoptive parent. Although we are currently looking to adopt another older child, we also have things that would be a no-go in our home- goth attire, for example- but I wouldn't take in a child already into that , then expect them to change. That's setting up a situation for failure. Rather, look for someone more compatable to your family. Good luck.

[NJNative]

that you should pass on this and perhaps on adopting any teenager. By 15, they should be thinking for themselves a good bit of the time -- at least if you expect them to be able to go out into the world in 3 years or less.

It's hard enough to deal with a 15 yo boy, without suddenly trying to tell one that he can't wear his own clothes, play his video games or music, etc.

Ever stop to think that your religious beliefs might not be his?

[joskids]

I'm with those who think this isn't likely a good idea for your other children. This 15 year old may very well have jealous feelings toward the permanence your other children have had in your home. You have every right to teach your children conservative values, but assume this child's values have been VERY, VERY different and that he has been exposed to things that, even though they are not allowed in your home, they will stick in his mind and his desires. I say this because we tried to adopt 2 older children into our home. We didn't do it to be "kind" or to take on some kind of martyr role, although that's what others thought of us. Those that know better, that have dealt with older children who have suffered abuse, negelect, etc. (some that you will NOT know about), understand why we had to let those girls go.

I may sound harsh but I say this all to hope you can avoid the same disappointment and loss that we have felt, not being able to take an older child into our home with younger children. There may be exceptions to what I say. I, for one, would LOVE to believe there is still an older child out there who we could parent. But I don't count on it and I've since given up hoping for it. The children we now have in our home are our first commitment. I think, if you are a Christian family, you should pray on this and consider that this is going to be a very uphill battle. This 15 year old is NOT going to give up what he has gotten used to -- the music, the clothing, the language. These things provide some kind of "comfort" (I know, believe it or not), to him and he will sneak them later if he is sneaky now.

Please be careful not to cause heartache to your other children. It just isn't worth it. There are those that can take older children and do it well, albeit with many, many difficult days.

Listen to "Linny". She knows what she's talking about. Some would say I do too.

Best wishes,

Josie

[DMT1211]

We had a talk with his case worker today and told her our concerns she said we could be a resource family for him in the future if we would like. I like the sound of that if he would like that as well. His case worker is going to talk to him today and see how he feels about everything. I do believe that you guys are right he is probably not a good match for our family. I hope you all do not get the wrong idea about us or our beliefs. This is the first time we have ever had another child besides our own in our home so we still have allot to learn about this process. I would rather try at it and fail than to never try at all. Thanks again for all the advice rather it be good, bad, or indiferent.

[Jensboys]

DMT - I think you just need to be prepared for the reality of what teens "out there" deal with and are used to. We have fostered teens (older than our kids) - and you have to be prepared for kids that are sexually active, stealing alcohol, using drugs, swearing like a sailor when out of your sight and bringing all sorts of inappropriate things into your home. You can "limit" but that is FAR different than ELIMINATE.

Also, you have to remember our bio kids (or attached kids in general) obey our rules because they WANT to please us because they love us and want our approval. A new child? What is his motivation? Essentially he doesn't have one. At 15, his biology is pushing him to DE-tach not ATTACH. He is supposed to be seeking independence, not dependence on strange new parents with "totally HARSH rules man!"

something you said concerned me and its this

This is the first time we have ever had another child besides our own in our home so we still have allot to learn about this process. I would rather try at it and fail than to never try at all. Thanks again for all the advice rather it be good, bad, or indiferent.

The problem with older child adoption is that trying and FAILING does much, much damage to the child in question. If you go in and accept this young man into your family you have to run all those worst case scenarios through your head and ask yourself what will I do WHEN that happens, not THAT wont happen to us. What will you do if he continues to access porn? What will you do if he continues to use drugs? What will you do if he swears continually around yoru other children? What will you do if he refuses to go to school or church? What if he is physically aggressive with you or your other children? If ANY of your responses include disruption ... then you need to consider that the match might not be right for you -- because really, without fail I doubt you will find any adoptive parent of older children who hasnt gone through those behaviors.

In MY opinion, having been there and done that, I would only ever again adopt/foster children smaller and younger than my smallest/youngest allowing the existing children in the family to be safe and to be an influence on the younger child, rather than the other way around.

[myangels]

as someone that was a foster child and aged out of the system I have to say I would of walked away from your home.

It is not only about you and your children but also this teenager. He needs to know that in a family everyone compermises that not only will he have to but yet you will have to as well.