[myangels]

Our almost 15 year old boy we are adopting is really big on "his rights" He has the right to speak however he wants to say whatever he wants and to answer in a rude way or so he thinks. We have explained over and over you do NOT have the right to treat others badly! He likes to argue with our perteen ALL the time. If our preteen says anything shes wrong or so he says. This is getting annoying and although our preteen* biological daughter* loves him and accepts him as her brother I can tell she is annoyed as we all are. ( She won't ADMIT she is annoyed but I can tell). Counselor says sisters and brothers argue but about everything?

He has a troubled past with fighting ect and has been kicked out of school for fighting once since he lived with us. How do we teach him it is wrong to fight when he THINKS it is ok? When he THINKS it is ok to treat others badly? We don't want to give up on him .We refuse to give up on him. I believe this is what he wants us to do. He is no longer allowed to contact his friends from where he is from because they are got in a LOT of trouble together ( He says they did drugs but this is questionable . he may just be saying it to look big and bad) . His counselor agrees it is best he does not contact them at all as his friend is really bad bad news. I know he misses him and misses his old life the freedom.

I can tell he wants to try to do right . When he got suspended for fighting he took it really hard and he was really disappointed in himself . He was so scared that we was going to kick him out when we got the call. We have more good days then bad days but the bad days are bad.

I know we can't change past behavior over night but I'd like to know what else I can do to help? He is in counseling and according to his school ( besides the one fight) he is a perfect student very respectful.

He acts big and bad but in reality he is just a kid at heart spends hours watching cartoons ect . It seems he fights when he feel uncomfortable and he feel he HAS to fight to show them how bad he is. If a kid is making fun of him and embarassing him infront of the class he thinks the answer is to hit that kid. I am guessing some of the rudeness is a teen thing? I want to help him but I am not sure what to do. He has no confidence in himself at all but yet lies to others to make himself look better at things then he is. He is starting a sport next month so we are hoping this will help. We also want to put him in Karate but fear this may promote him wanting to fight?

I am going on and on sorry!!!

any advice welcomed

[lucyjoy]

Some of the attitude is teen, some of it's learned and some is quite possibly PTSD related.(Hard to tell from one post but from the description, having him evaluated for bi-polar might not be a bad option)

Regardless of the cause, the behaviors need to be dealt with. Be sure the therapist he is working with is familiar with trauma/attachment and foster care.

If you choose karate, ask for references. Talk to other parents. There are great martial arts places that push the self discipline and respect as a huge part of the training. These can be wonderful for building self esteem and they also stress that the art not be used outside the walls. There are other places that are all about the competition-stay far away from those. Competing is fine, but with martial arts, competition starts with mastering one's own self control.

You might want to read the special need board as well. Most of the teen parents post there.

[myangels]

Thank you. He does have PTSD . He did so good today we shall see what tomorrow has is store lol

[lucyjoy]

You might see if his therapist does EMDR or knows anyone that does. It is very helpful in dealing with PTSD and could really be helpful to him in the long run.

(you should be able to google emdr for more info as to what it is)

[Rainbow mom]

The Children's Bill of RIGHTS!!!

All children shall enjoy the following inalienable rights:

1. The right to be treated as important human beings, with unique feelings, ideas and desires and
not as a source of argument between parents.

2. The right to a sense of security and belonging derived from a loving and nurturing environment
which shelters them from harm.

3. The right to a continuing relationship with both parents and the freedom to receive love from
and express love for both.

4. The right to "listening" parents.

5. The right to express love and affection for each parent without having to stifle that love because
of fear of disapproval by the other parent.

6. The right to grow and flourish in an atmosphere free of exploitation, abuse and neglect.

7. The right to know that their parents' decision to divorce is not their responsibility and that
they will still be able to live with each parent.

8. The right to continuing care and guidance from both parents where they can be educated in
mind, nourished in spirit, and developed in body, in an environment of unconditional love.

9. The right to honest answers to questions about changing family relationships.

10. The right to know and appreciate what is good in each parent without one parent degrading
the other.

11. The right to have a relaxed, secure relationship with both parents without being placed in a
position to manipulate one parent against the other.

12. The right to have one parent not undermine time with the other parent by suggesting tempting alternatives
or by threatening to withhold activities with the other parents as a punishment for the children's wrongdoing.

13. The right to be able to experience regular and consistent parental contact and the right to
know the reason for not having regular contact.

14. The right to be a kid and to be insulated from the conflict and problems of parents.

15. The right to be taught, according to their developmental levels, to understand values, to
assume responsibility for their actions, and to cope with the just consequences of their choices.

16. The right to be able to participate in their own destiny.


Ratify these rights for your children and you will give them better protection than any law could
ever provide.


I just love these!

Luv RM

[myangels]

Thank you I will do some research tonight and I will print that off for him as well.

Tonight he just had to argue with the preteen again. It takes two to argue but what should our advice to her be? We told her to just walk away and come get us if there is a problem but he really ( I think) hates females.

[MilehighDad]

What you are describing for his behavior falls well within the norm for any teenage boy struggling with his identity and security. Since you are adopting him as an older child, I would say he actually sounds like he is on the easy side of that spectrum. Nonetheless, dealing with rude, obnoxious behavior can be even harder emotionally than dealing with some of the more extreme behaviors. For the extreme ones, it is obvious that your child is a victim of their own emotions and fears, while if you are close to normal it is hard to see why they struggle.

i am convinced, however, that what you are describing is just your son trying to deal with his grief over losses in his life and his fear that everything will turn bad in the future. He argues constantly because he has learned to fight for his life in every situation to keep himself safe through his life. Literally, an argument ensues with your daughter and his response would be more appropriate in a live-or-die situation. He doesn't know how to tell the difference because he is too afraid and uncertain of everything in life.

it is really hard to deal with, but if you try to understand why he is so intense in an argument it will help you cope with it. Remain calm every single time and eventually he WILL learn that he is safe in your home. It will take months or years.

good luck.