[Crissy011]

My family which includes one bio daughter that is 8 years old welcomed a 7 year old pre-adoptive son into our home a few months ago. He has been having difficulty telling the truth which is very important to my husband and myself. We do not feel we can trust him and are not bonding with him because it is nearly impossible to bond with someone that you cannot trust. We are a very loving couple with a wonderful bio daughter. We were very content with our lives before beginning this process, but felt we could possibly help a child. Anyway, we are not sure that this is what we want anymore. My husband says he "wants his old life back." I don't want to lose my marriage over this. The sad part is that this is a good boy, just refuses to follow the rules of our home. We have made it very clear to him since he moved in that in order to live in our home, you must follow the rules. He just choses to ignore them over and over again. I'm feeling so confused. I miss my life prior to this placement. Am I just not cut out for this? Has anyone else ever felt this way? I just don't know how I can commit to this little boy feeling the way I do. Any advice/thoughts appreciated. Thanks.

[lucyjoy]

I'm wondering what kind of training you recieved before adopting.

By telling a child "in order to stay in our home" you have just placed a huge, unclimbable wall in front of him. He has had trauma in his past and is use to not being "good enough" for families to want. He expects you to toss him out and would rather HE control that then for you to realize he is bad. Does that make sense?

While you do not trust him, he cannot trust you either. He has been taught in his young life that adults leave and that adults hurt you and that adults are never to be trusted.

If both of you are feeling this is not a good thing for you, please don't do it. There may be a family that really is ready to handle a child that lies or whatever. If you are already to the point where you want your old life back, then please take it.

Please do not think this makes you a bad person or anything like that. It honestly sounds to me as if you were not told what you needed to know before entering into this life altering event. You might want to read Greg Keck's Adopting the Hurt Child. It may shed some light on this child's negative behaviors.

If you cannot live forever with this child should he never change, then it is not a good match for your family.

[tctahoe]

I'm sorry that this is what it has come down to for you. It is also so hard for all of us who are still waiting to be mached to hear that the chaos is hitting you already. They do prepare you for this in the pre-adoptive training yet so many of us are so ready and willing to be matched that it is hard to wait for the perfect fit. Most of the times the history is in the files or maybe it's not, but I would definitely seek counseling and look into all of your resources. I'm not sure if talking to he caseworker will help as most are not understanding. This is what we signed up for and sometimes if it's not right, it's not right. Don't let guilt keep you from making the right decision for everyone.

[Bamamom07]

In addition to what the first poster stated, I would also like to add that it has probably increased your troubles significantly that this boy is very close in age to your daughter. You seem to not have been prepared to parent a hurting child, and also seem to be very proud of your daughter who is probably pretty well behaved. With them being very close in age, it is probably very difficult to NOT compare their behavior and be aggravated at your FS. However, the last thing the child needs is to feel constantly compared to a "perfect" birth child. Boys and girls also are often very different in behavior. If they were both your own, even twins, your daughter could be easily lovable by all, easy to teach, compliant with your wishes, while the boy could be extremely rambunctious and driving you nuts- yet he'd be YOUR hyper little nut and you'd love him anyway. Point is, read up, hang out here, learn as much as you can. Try to see as he sees. He is NOT going to suddenly realize what fantastic people you are for providing him a home and start behaving wonderfully. You and your husband MUST be the ones to decide if you want a "do over" and start parenting this boy completely different. Being so close in age though, it will be extremely difficult for him to not feel constantly in comparison with your daughter. IMHO, I think you should learn as much as you can immediately so that you can help your fs prepare to move to a family more adequately suited to help him heal and hopefully become his forever family. Then, if you both decide fostering/adopting is still something you want to do, consider only accepting placement of much younger children than your daughter. Toddlers, or 4-5 year olds. Someone your daughter could feel like a big sister to, and be happy to show love to and play with. Your daughter also needs to be educated regarding what to expect and how to help younger kids who haven't been as fortunate as her in getting love and understanding. At her age, she can probably understand very well and be very empathetic with a little kid who needs a loving home even if they don't behave perfectly well. I'm telling you, getting to be a part of helping a hurt child to heal is an awesome thing. It blows me away when I think of how far my fs has come since we got him. He is a precious wonderful boy, still very rambunctious and hyper, and I love him to pieces. That is how it is supposed to be. He only had about a dozen placements over the years before we got him. (sarcasm here). There was always conflict or couldn't handle the hyperactivity or whatever. I think we were just supposed to be his family (this doesn't mean a dozen families and all the prior suffering is ok, obviously). If you want to stick with fostering and/or adopting, you've got to learn fundamentally different ways of parenting these kids. It's very hard- but very worth it. And accept that you will not be able to help every child you come in contact with- but that you do your best to help the child heal and prepare for what lies ahead. And also accept your family's limitations so that you don't accept a child that is just not going to fit with the three of you. Otherwise, you are only adding further harm to an already injured child.

[Crissy011]

Thank you for your advice. We had extensive training beforehand. However, it is very different when you are living it. I thought we could handle things that apparently we cannot.

[melissa_bear003]

Living it is different, no question. But with extensive training, you should have been better prepared, better aware that a child whose had trauma is going to test and act out, regardless of their age. From the sounds of things, he's barely in the door and you're already looking at sending him back.

Honestly, children go through a stage of lying, and it has nothing to do with being adopted. And remember, he doesn't trust you either. That's something that has to be earned on both sides of the relationship.

[crick]

Give yourself and him a little time. It's all so new for everyone, and these adjustments will not happen overnight.

While the classes and training are important and do help prepare you, I don't think any class fully prepares you to the extent that it solves every situation you face or really prepares you for the emotions you will have.

I remember thinking in our first few months that I made a mistake. I remember not feeling the bond with my oldest boy and not really wanting to be around him. He was a hurt little boy and very different than me personality wise and while I knew all this logically, it wasn't that easy to remember sometimes when emotionally feeling out of sorts or just in a panic on some days.

The standards we have as parents cannot be held to an older child in the same way you'd hold those standards to a child with no trauma. The lying thing is frustrating to be sure, but you and your dh need to remember to not take it personally. Not easy to do, but it is his way of testing you and also seeing how quickly he can get out since he "knows" he'll be sent away (based on past experiences)

What kinds of things do you do when he lies? Maybe some here can offer some different suggestions to you for situations that are affecting you.

[lucyjoy]

If you feel this way this early in placement then this is NOT a good match and it would be best, in my opinion to be honest with the caseworker and to have the child moved.

[Mommy2NoneHopefully1]

I have to voice my opinion here. To me it doesn't seem that this is just not a good match. I think that ANY child coming from an abusive home & is that old will act out usually in much worse ways. I also have to agree that putting the stipulation "to live in our home" will cause a child to just act out & get it over with. Our training made it VERY clear you are never to use phrases like that or "as long as you're in my home". He feels like with statements like that its just a matter of time before you send him back. In just a few months, its so hard to bond. You also said he's a good boy but he lies, so maybe you should think about wether ADOPTING is for you, before you get another placement. If you are unable to handle lying the I think all children lie & if this is his only way of acting out that seems pretty good! I think its sad because alot of families come into this thinking if you give him a safe home & love him you can "fix" them, & sadly thats just not true. Is he in counseling? Have you gone as a family?

[Lorraine123]

I think you made the best decision. There is a family out there for this little guy. Adopting older hurt kids is hard. It takes strength to admit that you are not cut out for it. The sooner he moves on, the better it will be for all.

[Crissy011]

First of all, I have to say that I am not already "ready to throw him out." I am not a bad person & it is really a shame that people are so quick to judge & attack. Especially since we are all trying to do a good thing and have good intentions. I chose to do this not for myself but to help someone who needed it. I have one biological child and chose not to have any more biological children. I original wrote to see if these feelings were normal or if anyone else experienced this. If I were "ready to kick him out the door" I would have done that in Sept. when he was suspended his second week of school. Because of his actions, my neighbors turned against me and some of my daughter's friends are not allowed at my home. I went through a lot emotionally and to make sure the school gave him a fair chance instead of just labeling him. I did not just give up on this child. I've been trying hard & I am still trying... He is in counseling. And for the person who said that I should consider whether or not adoption is for us at all, if this doesn't work out, I will no longer be pursuing adoption.

[Mommy2NoneHopefully1]

I wasn't trying to "attack" you. As a reminder you are the one who put the title "Is adopting right for us". That kinda prompts people to pose the same question. It isn't for everyone. Especially NOT older children. I for one know it isn't for us. Let me tell you, having friends & neighbors turn on you is not just due to your childrens naughty behavior. We have had the same thing & we haven't even brought our son home yet. I would suggest reading thru other peoples stories because adoption isn't always love at first sight. There are SOO many stories out there of people who felt the same way you do now, like it won't ever get better. I think once you earn his trust he WILL behave better. Our agency told us the worst of the worst to expect. So anything less to us seems not so bad. I think lying & breaking the rules, goes with the territory. Its really not something that can't be overcome.

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by Crissy011[B

]My family which includes one bio daughter that is 8 years old[/b] welcomed a 7 year old pre-adoptive son into our home a few months ago. He has been having difficulty telling the truth which is very important to my husband and myself. We do not feel we can trust him and are not bonding with him because it is nearly impossible to bond with someone that you cannot trust. We are a very loving couple with a wonderful bio daughter. We were very content with our lives before beginning this process, but felt we could possibly help a child. Anyway, we are not sure that this is what we want anymore. My husband says he "wants his old life back." I don't want to lose my marriage over this. The sad part is that this is a good boy, just refuses to follow the rules of our home. We have made it very clear to him since he moved in that in order to live in our home, you must follow the rules. He just chooses to ignore them over and over again. I'm feeling so confused. I miss my life prior to this placement. Am I just not cut out for this? Has anyone else ever felt this way? I just don't know how I can commit to this little boy feeling the way I do. Any advice/thoughts appreciated. Thanks.

You told us what a wonderful family and life you HAD before this child came into your home. So, it isn't HIS home uet? You aren't HIS parents yet? He has to be "good enough" and "follow the rules" or he gets NO home and NO parents. If he is a smart seven-year-old, he knows he is going to screw up and break one of your rules. Might as well go ahead, get it over with and get thrown out now.
And maybe, he misses his old home too! Maybe he would like to go back to the way things were? (You may think you are offering him something better, but he may see it differently.)

Don't take a child into your perfect home and perfect life to "show him something better." Take a child because your life will be better WITH him. Because you and your husband WANTED another child and your daughter WANTED a brother. Take him and tell him that this is HIS HOME TOO. That you LOVE HIM but that you will not allow him to lie. Punish him for lying, yes, but not with the threat of losing a home and losing your love. If you DO love him? You never said so.

P.S> It is certainly possible to love someone without trusting them. Many of us have children we love, but whose behavior has made us very wary of trusting them.

[Lorraine123]

Wow Crissy. I'm sorry about some of the judgmental posts are you receiving. Especially considering some of those are coming from people who have never had a traumatized older kid in their home. While its true that you should not tell your child that they will be removed from your home if they disobey, its also impossible to always be "correct" in what you say when a child is working hard to push you away. This little guy sounds like he is pretty traumatized. A PP said that "once you earn his trust, he will behave better." Not true. He MIGHT behave better or he might behave worse. I had training, and I can say that NOTHING prepared me. Nothing could. I can't say what I would have done if I had had another young child in my home.

Before you judge, walk that mile. Put on the shoes of us who get it. Older child adoption is NOT for everyone. And thats not a bad thing.

[Mommy2NoneHopefully1]

I think you forgot to quote part of that "I think " Please don't take that out of context. I said i think that once she earns his trust, he will behave better, I didn't state it is a fact. I think its important to remember that you aren't a savior, that we aren't "saving" children. We adopt these children because we want to be their parents,to love & nurture them into the people they are going to become. You don't have to have had an older child in your home to know that you will NEVER gain their trust by threatening to send them back & resenting them for ruining your wonderful loving home. One comment like that to an abused child can take tons of reassurance to correct. Love isn't always enough.