[css278]

Hi:

I'm new to the board and am looking for advice. We have been pursuing adoption (international and two domestic agencies) for almost 2.5 years with not one iota of hope mainly due to the fact that we are older parents (DH = 51, me = 43).

One of the domestic agencies called yesterday about the placement of a 5 year old. birthmom has decided for very personal and complex reasons she can't parent anymore.

We meet with the social worker tomorrow to find out more information. I'd appreciate suggestions on what questions we should ask and tips on how to proceed.

Thanks!

Cathy

[DET62]

I have two older adopted children. Mine are from Russia and Kaz, but the issues are similar. You must prepare yourself for a child who won't be "normal" without a lot of help. Love and care alone won't do it.

Find out first of all if the child has suffered any sort of physical or sexual abuse.

Did one or both parents do drugs or drink a lot?

Is the child developmentally on target?

Ask to see all medical and school records [if any].

Where is the bio father? Will he want to see the child?

Read everything you can on attachment. Deborah Gray's books are excellent.

I would not take the child if there is a good chance you won't be able to keep the child. Too often in domestic situations, children are placed, then the parents want them back, or another relative steps forward. All that disruption is incredibly damaging to the child. And it will break your heart. I have an aquaintance who cared for a child almost two years and then the "ex" druggy mother took him back and broke her heart.

Most importantly, ask what services are available for the child in terms of psychological counseling. A 5 year old knows his mother and he will have feelings of anger, grief, and abandonment. He will absolutely have to have a good therapist. In domestic situations there should be Medicaid available to pay for services. Be sure and find out ALL services available.

Good luck!!
Dee

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

In this situation, it sounds like the bmom is trying to avoid having the kid end up in foster care, which to me indicates she really doesn't think her situation is going to improve anytime soon. Still, make sure you understand the laws regarding TPR and how much time she would have to reconsider. Also, ask if there are any other relatives who might want to take the kid. Usually (and it could vary by state) the bmom's wishes would be respected if she chooses to put the child up for adoption, but the bdad would have the right to step in and say he wants the child, and the courts may be more likely to consider other relatives since the child is already 5. Even if no relatives can take the child, some may want visitation rights, which again the courts may be more likely to grant because of the child's age. So make sure you find out as much as possible about the family situation.

Since the child is being given up voluntarily, the risk that he has been severely abused or neglected is low (otherwise the child would have been removed from the home involuntarily), but there may have been less-severe issues that weren't quite enough to get him removed but still may have affected his development. Also, there could have been past abuse that may or may not have been reported. So definitely ask if there is any known history of abuse or suspected abuse.

This situation seems unusual, so get the details. Are the mom's reasons for not being able to parent something that developed only recently, or are they ongoing issues that have been affecting the child for his entire life? Has she really considered all her options? Was putting the child up for adoption her idea, or is someone else encouraging/coercing her to do it?

Good luck! I hope this turns out to be a good match for you so that your wait can finally be over, but at the same time I hope you don't feel the need to rush into a placement.

[css278]

Thanks for the responses. Great questions and perspectives to consider! I can't tell you how much I appreciate the help.

Cathy