[bettynme]

How long should it take to feel some affinity or attachment with a child. I heard and read of families that fell in love with the child at first sight. We have been visiting with a child currently in foster care and visits seem to be going well. He is more open to us and has relaxed more on each subsequent visit. My husband and I are committed in our minds to the young man and are honestly looking forward to him settling in to our home( including all the challenges to follow), and although we like him and see his potential despite his hurts, neither one of us felt that instant ta da thing we have heard about. Be mindful, I did not feel any affinity for DH until a year after we met and we married 6 years later....maybe I answered my own question.....Thoughts???

[TxMom65]

I didn't get that instant feeling of love and maternal instinct. I felt so confused about it all I was ill for over 2 weeks. (I can't remember now) I was a wreck. THat certainly didn't help the bonding process.

I found that doing things to help her attach to me also help me attach to her. It is a 2 way street. In all honesty, the 3 month point was still rough, 6 months was a good place, and one year was awesome. Even now, almost 2 years later I find it getting better all the time. At times I forget that I didn't give birth to her.

[Perfect7]

I have 4 bio children and I didn't attach right away with my oldest. She was premature and whisked away from me to NICU for 3 weeks. Bonding was difficult when I couldn't even hold her. I loved her and worried sick about her, but it wasn't the same level of bonding I experienced later on after being allowed to hold my child right after birth. So, it's not just for adoption! Hope this helps.

[dawnmei]

I still don't have that "Hallmark-y" warm fuzzy feeling for my daughter. She's 11, I met her a year and a half ago, she's been with me for close to a year, and we just finalized last week. I'm committed to her, see her wonderful qualities, will do whatever it takes, but don't feel lovey-dovey about her. I don't know if it will still come, or if that's just how our relationship will be. I'm disappointed about how I feel, but not with having her in my life, if that makes sense.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

It took me about 6 months with both my girls. At first I felt like I was babysitting.

[TxMom65]

Originally Posted by 2Bulgarianbeauties

It took me about 6 months with both my girls. At first I felt like I was babysitting.

Yes! I felt that way as well. Babysitting always wears me out so I was exhausted.

[bettynme]

What a relief....I thought maybe something was not clicking that should be....babysitting is a good way to start though...got to get to know each other...every subsequent visit has been better. He comes tomorrow and will stay until Tuesday...move in will be mid July if all continues to go well ... thanks for the reassurance... and being willing to share..it helps and I don't feel so weird now...
betty

[JennyK]

My son was only placed with us 2 months ago, and I'm starting to love him and be attached but it's slow. It worried me at first, but other's I know who have adopted (including my mom, who 11 years ago adopted a much younger brother for me) assured me that this is normal.

It took me about 6 months with both my girls. At first I felt like I was babysitting.

I can relate to this - I am exhausted from running around after a child who I still don't quite feel is really mine. It feels just like babysitting a lot of the time. But we are getting there, step by step. And even if I'm slow, I can tell that he really feels I am his

You will get there too, don't worry!

[bettynme]

Well J came and stayed Sat-Tues. All went remarkably well. He seemed to adjust over the course of the weekend, relaxing a little more and being himself. I think he is smart and funny. I like him. He really wants a family to call his own and agreed to join ours...He will move in after a preplanned vacation with his current family. I think we are growing on him as his negativity and defensiveness seemed to slip away. I know he is growing on us. It will be a long road to finalization and I am sure there will be a few bumps in between but I am so glad we have found each other....

[dawnmei]

Sounds exciting. Congratulations!

[Kids4Me]

Congratulations bettynme! Sounds like things are moving along. I don't know if this will help and I have no personal experience yet. However, my boss and his wife adopted a little girl from China last October. I recently had lunch with her and she was telling me that it's taken her some time to bond and attach with her daughter. She said she loved her and would do anything for her but she didn't have that tug on her heart that she thought she would have until very recently. She said it was a wonderful feeling to finally feel that this child was "hers" but that she did worry because she didn't feel that way instantly or shortly after the adoption.

[atouchofheaven]

yes, i felt for months like my son was an intruder in my house. i loved him because i chose to love him. i didn't really "feel" it till much later. and just recently has it started to grow stronger and stronger. when we first got him, people would ask me, "don't you just love being a mom?" or "how is parenthood going?" and it took all i had to smile and nod and not burst into tears. but now that we've had our son for almost a year, it's getting better and better and i can't imagine him being anyone else's kid, or us not having him. and all the lovey-dovey stuff is there... most of the time.

[timleenettesue]

I know it didn't happen right away, it took some time. I remember putting our four year old fd (than three) to bed and all of a sudden this swell in my heart that said this is your daughter. TPR has now happened and we will be adopting her and her little brother by the end of the year.

God bless and hang in there!!!

[momof5boys1girl6]

I have two bio-kids and one adopted. Our adopted son is older than our bio kids are. I bonded with him soon after he was placed with us. I think if they would told me he had to go home I probably could've ran with him.... My husband on the other hand, didn't bond until much later.... I can recall the very moment it became real to him... We went to fostercare reveiw and the judge looked at us both and said that reunification was not an option and that Ryan had a good family that loved him. I think for my husband he didn't want the rug pulled out from under him. Now with the three we have right now... I am the one that hasn't really bonded and he has. I think it depends on the kids and the situation...