[TheMomma08]

I have a unique story.

I am a single mom with 3 kids ages 22,19 and 13. My 13 year old has been talking me into adopting her best friend that is in foster care since the beginning of the school year. I feel led to adopt these boys.

I couldn't stand the thought of splitting the boys up. These boys have been adopoted out once, were abused, and placed back into foster care.


I have taken care of the registration, medical check, pet check, finger prints and Police report. I still have to take the classes and get a house check.


I have been getting mixed responses from friends and family. Some call me an angel, some think I have lost my mind, and some tell me that I don't know what I'm getting myself into.


Is there anyone else that has been in my shoes?

[jackiesbooks]

go to the Special needs board and the foster boards.
What do you know about the boys? What issues do they have?

[TheMomma08]

they have suffered sexual/physical abuse, therefore one has been diag with having post tramatic stress. The other is MR and very intelligent. They are good kids.

[momagain5]

hi,
personally,i would think long and hard before bringing these boys into your home.they have been sexually abused,so there is a risk that they will be abusers.you have a young daughter ,do you want to take that risk?they may be better in ahome with no other children or older children.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Not all children who were sexually abused become perpetrators ... indeed, it's only a small proportion who do. And since these boys are teens who have been "in the system" for a while, there should be plenty of history to document what types of problems they have and/or are at risk of developing.

[TheMomma08]

I just had a meeting yesterday with their case worker and we discussed the boys. I told her that I wasn't capable of meeting the older childs needs as he is M R and I would only be ablt to adopt the one. I am a single mom and work full time and have 3 kids of my own.

The case worker up to this point thought it would be in the best interest of both kids to keep them together, but the child that I want to adopt doesn't want to be placed with his brother.


The case worker for the first time told me that she didn't think it was in their best interest to be placed together. Both boys need one on one.


These decisions are so darn heart breaking.


I will adopt the one child and we will be active in the other childs life as we all live close together and all go to the same church. The foster mother is the best that you could ever hope for, and he loves her.

[Hadley2]

Not to be negative, because it sounds as if you are putting a lot of thought and preparation into this, but my biggest concern would be the blossoming of a romantic relationship, not so much abuse but natural teen inclinations, between your daughter and her friend, who will become her brother.

It's not so far-fetched. I know of a couple that was foster daughter and much-older bioson who are now married. He is 15 years older, spent time in the home when she was young, moved out, married, had children, divorced, then married her when she aged out of his parents' home. She moved from their home to his.

So, for contemporaries who are already teen friends and haven't had that sibling relationship going, I would think hard on how the logistics of having these two under the same roof might play out.

[joskids]

I know that you are hearing that a small number of sexually abused children actually become perpetrators. That is not my own experience or the experience of many, many, many foster/adoptive families that I am close to. Please dig deep as you are a single mother with much love for the 3 children you already have in your home. Abuse of any kind can filter down to your other children more quickly than you can even imagine. Children who have been in the system for any length of time learn self-preservation, to the degree of becoming manipulative, secretive and very knowledgable about how to spread their hurt. It isn't their fault that these boys have been abused and remember not to believe that it's the fault of the original family that adopted them and let them go either. But it will be your fault if you allow your thoughts of wanting to "save a child" to hurt the other children you have in your home. I hate to be so blunt, but I was just like you a few years back. Until we adopted 2 beautiful girls that touched my heart and almost took down this family by doing so. Thankfully we realized before we finalized that the love we had for them was not worth risking the security of our other 3 children. Best wishes.

Josie