[blondeboss]

DH and I will soon be adopting 2 sisters(age 14 and 18 mo.) This is the first teen we have had. I am having a hard time trusting her. She really is a great and 'normal' teenager. She is in the 9th grade and does so/so on her grades. I know she has only been in care for a year, and her whole world has changed. Especially socially. She is doing and experiencing more than she would have been able to do. I am proud of the friends she is choosing ( I think), but am worried about all the boyfriends. I caught her twice this week talking about things on the phone with her boyfriend I know she wouldn't say in front of me. I want to keep our communication open, and I confront her on things like this right away. New rule no phone in bedroom with door shut. If caught again, all phone calls will be in the central part of house. Now we do live in a very small ranch, so even when she is in her room, there is a lack of privacy. Anyone dealing with these isssues. Everytime she goes someplace, or tells me something, I end up not fully believing her. Is this my lack of trust, or my sixth scent? We are adopting her, and I don't want this distrust ruining our chance of bonding. She has been here for 6 mo. and I still feel we don't know the real her. Is this normal?Any thoughts from others who adopted teens would be greatly apprieciated! Thanks

[minibus]

I don't have experience adopting a teenager, but I did work in therapeutic foster care for 4 years and have worked with foster and/or adoptive children in mental health settings for several more years.

I think that it is very normal and pretty healthy, to not FULLY trust any teenager, no matter if they are yours biologically or not. Teenagers are sneaky! I love 'em! I think that you are trying to protect your daughter in the best way that you know how and that is a great thing! This is not to say that she is untrustworthy, but she is a teenager. They do stupid things and parents need to get enough information on them to protect them when necessary. As you get to know her even better, you'll learn how to pick up when she's lying and you'll learn when you need to intervene and when you can let things slide. The rule about having the phone calls monitored if you're worried about her being inappropriate on the phone is fabulous and a very logical intervention. Be consistent and remember that you're doing these things because you care about her. Kids NEED rules and they feel safer (though they complain) when parents put those rules in place and enforce the rules.

Sounds like you're doing a great job!!

[Empty_Nest]

If you've only had her six months, you don't really know her. I always figured, when we added a child, it took our family a minimum of two years to fully adjust. The older the child, the longer it is likely to take.

As for the phone, the rule in our house was the kids were not allowed any electronics in their rooms except something to play music with. No phones, no computers, no TVs, no video games, although that was before handheld video games so we might have allowed that. That was before cell phones, too, but if we had a teen now, she wouldn't have one of those either. The phone was centrally located in our house (kitchen) so if anything nefarious was going on, we were likely to overhear it. Oh, yeah, our kids had a ten-minute time limit on phone calls, too. The kids griped about it sometimes but it worked well and if we had it to do over, it wouldn't change at all. The phone also had a cord, so they couldn't take it outside or into the bathroom or whatever.

I agree, it's not a good idea to trust any teenager 100%, particularly when she's so new to your home. They do dumb things that they don't realize are dumb or dangerous, and they think they can handle more stuff than they really can. Plus they're influenced by other kids who don't have any more sense than they do. So you're right to keep an eye on her.

It might be helpful to sit her down and explain to her why the rules are tighter for her right now, and explain that as she shows she can be trusted, she will have more freedom. Explain why certain things are not acceptable and never will be, like riding in a car with someone who has been drinking, for example. Tell her she is your responsibility now, and as her parent, you not only have a right to know what she's doing and with whom, but also an obligation to keep a close eye on her so you can help her make safe choices and make sure she grows up able to make good decisions, unemcumbered by the consequences of bad choices she might make if left to make them on her own. Etc.

Good luck. That's a hard age regardless, and being a new adoptee has to be difficult for her.

[blondeboss]

Thankyou so much for your ideas and responses. You guys are exactly right. It is funny how at the moment you are dealing with these teenage issues, they begin to feel overwhelming. But given a few days everything begins to make sense again. I apprieciate your thoughts and encouragment.We are deffinately on the same pageand are excited for this adventure!

[Hipi]

Have you thought about getting her a cell phone with the GPS option? That would bring peace of mind to anyone with a teenager.