[rascalchico]

I am beginning the process to adopt a child from the foster care system. There is a 9 year old female that I am very interested in. She has severe emotional and mental issues. I am not sure what all that means. I have some idea being a former foster child/adopted child with a bad adoption in the past. However, I am not sure exactly what to think. I have started my homestudy with an agency and am really excited about hopefully getting this little girl.

However, can someone tell me what to expect and what to do after I get her. I know that might seem a stupid question. I know I have to love her, give her a secure, stable, consistent environment, and participate in therapies with her. However, I bring her in my home and what do I expect from there? Will she call me "mom?" Is it a bad thing to really soon after she comes take her somewhere special like Disney or Sea World? Can someone just give me some thoughts?

Thanks.

[lucyjoy]

In my opinion, taking a child on a big trip too soon is a bad idea. It's important to show her what her real, everyday life with you will look like. She will need lots of time to learn to trust you. I had some highly emotionally distrubed kids and one of them once told me he liked moving family to family. He said each new family bought him a bunch of stuff and didn't enforce the rules right away. Then, when they were ready for him to follow rules, he would do lots of stuff to force them to move him. Nuts to me, but for him, this is what life looked like. He didn't know anything else.

Most the kids called me mom right off-especially the ones with no bonds to anyone at all. If they didn't seem to know what to call me I had them call me mom Lucy. Mom is my title and just using my first name sometimes created situations where there was no respect. They dropped the Lucy when they decided I was mom and understood a little what that meant.

I really like Greg Keck's Adopting the Hurt Child book for helpful parenting information.

Good luck on your adoption journey.

[rascalchico]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

In my opinion, taking a child on a big trip too soon is a bad idea. It's important to show her what her real, everyday life with you will look like. She will need lots of time to learn to trust you. I had some highly emotionally distrubed kids and one of them once told me he liked moving family to family. He said each new family bought him a bunch of stuff and didn't enforce the rules right away. Then, when they were ready for him to follow rules, he would do lots of stuff to force them to move him. Nuts to me, but for him, this is what life looked like. He didn't know anything else.

Most the kids called me mom right off-especially the ones with no bonds to anyone at all. If they didn't seem to know what to call me I had them call me mom Lucy. Mom is my title and just using my first name sometimes created situations where there was no respect. They dropped the Lucy when they decided I was mom and understood a little what that meant.

I really like Greg Keck's Adopting the Hurt Child book for helpful parenting information.

Good luck on your adoption journey.

Thank you for your insight. To hear about this child and what he did actually makes sense in a twisted sort of way. You are right and I am glad you pointed it out that the child needs to see how life is like in reality and see and feel the boundaries and learn to trust. Thanks for your post. It is very helpful.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by rascalchico

I am beginning the process to adopt a child from the foster care system. There is a 9 year old female that I am very interested in. She has severe emotional and mental issues.Thanks.

Please read the special needs forum. Your daughter is going to need more than just regular therapy. She may have severe mental illness or most likely has attachment issues (which means she may not have the capacity to love you or bond to you). It's important to know all about the behaviors she may have before you decide to take her in as your daughter. Some children with RAD never heal or learn to bond. They can be very violent. Some adopted children with RAD have threatened to kill their parents (these are young children-but they have no conscience and no feeling of love for their parents). Many RAD kids need to be homeschooled-because they are such a danger out of the house. Even if she doesn't have Reactive Attachment Disorder, some mental illness may get worse as she grows and you adjust medications to balance her out as she's growing and developing.

I had a 4 year old foster/adopt daughter who had attachment issues-she was not diagnosed RAD. She injured herself on purpose, destroyed toys, urinated and defecated in strange places, drew on the walls, would lie terribly-making up horrible lies to get adults or other children in trouble (ie: The daycare provider won't feed me), she climbed all over strangers looking for affection, she would not come near me for attention, though. She was sneaky and destructive. She would steal things and hide them. By the time she left after 2 months, I was so overwhelmed that all I did was cry. My support group disappeared-no one in my family liked the child because she would stand in front of them and dance when they tried to talk, would climb on them and drag on them for attention.-and if that didn't work, she'd break something so you HAD to focus on her. The focus always had to be on her. She couldn't handle it if attention was not directed at her 24/7. It got to the point that the daycare provider couldn't care for her anymore and I had to work.
Remember, this 4 year old was not considered SEVERE special needs by cps. Your child has SEVERE issues.

My 4 year old should have been with a single female parent where she would get more attention. She would have been better off-however, the problems with her behavior wouldn't have changed.

Think long and hard about what you'll be dealing with as far as mental illness and emotional problems. You will be parenting this child for years and years and may never have a normal mother/daughter relationship with her.

I'm not saying "Don't adopt"-just adopt with your eyes wide open.

[rascalchico]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

Please read the special needs forum. Your daughter is going to need more than just regular therapy. She may have severe mental illness or most likely has attachment issues (which means she may not have the capacity to love you or bond to you). It's important to know all about the behaviors she may have before you decide to take her in as your daughter. Some children with RAD never heal or learn to bond. They can be very violent. Some adopted children with RAD have threatened to kill their parents (these are young children-but they have no conscience and no feeling of love for their parents). Many RAD kids need to be homeschooled-because they are such a danger out of the house. Even if she doesn't have Reactive Attachment Disorder, some mental illness may get worse as she grows and you adjust medications to balance her out as she's growing and developing.

I had a 4 year old foster/adopt daughter who had attachment issues-she was not diagnosed RAD. She injured herself on purpose, destroyed toys, urinated and defecated in strange places, drew on the walls, would lie terribly-making up horrible lies to get adults or other children in trouble (ie: The daycare provider won't feed me), she climbed all over strangers looking for affection, she would not come near me for attention, though. She was sneaky and destructive. She would steal things and hide them. By the time she left after 2 months, I was so overwhelmed that all I did was cry. My support group disappeared-no one in my family liked the child because she would stand in front of them and dance when they tried to talk, would climb on them and drag on them for attention.-and if that didn't work, she'd break something so you HAD to focus on her. The focus always had to be on her. She couldn't handle it if attention was not directed at her 24/7. It got to the point that the daycare provider couldn't care for her anymore and I had to work.
Remember, this 4 year old was not considered SEVERE special needs by cps. Your child has SEVERE issues.

My 4 year old should have been with a single female parent where she would get more attention. She would have been better off-however, the problems with her behavior wouldn't have changed.

Think long and hard about what you'll be dealing with as far as mental illness and emotional problems. You will be parenting this child for years and years and may never have a normal mother/daughter relationship with her.

I'm not saying "Don't adopt"-just adopt with your eyes wide open.

Thanks for your input. You have given me much to think about. I feel very conflicted about what you say. I hear what you are saying, but having been in the foster care system myself and so on, I can't get the thought out of my mind that she is just as deserving of a home as any child. I don't know how to think now. Thanks for your input.

[lucyjoy]

All children deserve a home, although there are some that can't handle having one. It's just important to be aware of the high needs that some kids have and have the resources sought out and available if you choose to take a high needs child.

[crick]

Since you know a bit about her, do you have her sw's number or name that you could contact for more specific information about her needs? Or do you have your own sw that can help you with more information? That will help...knowing everything you can to better prepare for things.

For example...if she easily warms up to strangers, then you know you'll need pretty strict rules regarding that and will need to teach her that we do not give hugs to people we do not know. etc.

I agree with lucyjoy on the trips aspect and I'll also add that in my opinion, it's really important to have very minimal contact with other family members until you and her have a chance to get to know each other, bond a bit and start the trust. She will need to learn to rely just on you for her needs. If you have family or friends over all the time, it hurts the process, imo. And I would say this to any parent adopting an older child....regardless of how severe or easy their needs are.

I would recommend really finding out as much as you can on the child though and have someone independent of the girl's sw read her file if possible. Talk to the child's foster parent, therapist, teacher etc., if you get far enough into the information process. Lots of insight there.

[rascalchico]

Originally Posted by crick

Since you know a bit about her, do you have her sw's number or name that you could contact for more specific information about her needs? Or do you have your own sw that can help you with more information? That will help...knowing everything you can to better prepare for things.

For example...if she easily warms up to strangers, then you know you'll need pretty strict rules regarding that and will need to teach her that we do not give hugs to people we do not know. etc.

I agree with lucyjoy on the trips aspect and I'll also add that in my opinion, it's really important to have very minimal contact with other family members until you and her have a chance to get to know each other, bond a bit and start the trust. She will need to learn to rely just on you for her needs. If you have family or friends over all the time, it hurts the process, imo. And I would say this to any parent adopting an older child....regardless of how severe or easy their needs are.

I would recommend really finding out as much as you can on the child though and have someone independent of the girl's sw read her file if possible. Talk to the child's foster parent, therapist, teacher etc., if you get far enough into the information process. Lots of insight there.

I have contacted the SW for more information on this young girl. I guess now I am wondering after reading this if I am out of my league. I don't think I am, but I am somewhat frightened after reading the one post. I really don't know what to think. I don't want to be murdered and I do want to have at some point a healthy mother/daughter relationship.

I guess maybe I am naivee in thinking that with lots of love, consistency, patience, and stability, that in time this girl's issues will lessen.

If I take the attitude written earlier about every child in fc that has mental and emotional issues, then I might as well write everyone of them off. I don't really understand or know how to think now. I appreciate the warning, but I am somewhat confused by it.

I will talk to others if I get far enough in the process before deciding to take this girl. Thanks for the tips. I really do appreciate the input. I am just a newbie...very green about all this. Any info helps.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by rascalchico

I can't get the thought out of my mind that she is just as deserving of a home as any child..

She is DEFINATELY deserving of a home and I hope she finds a family that can help her heal. I'm not saying you shouldn't adopt her. I'm saying that you need to be aware of how severe some emotional problems can be. Some kids come thru foster care and go on to be healthy productive adults. I have a friend who spent several years in foster care. She is now a wonderful mom and wife-and a very dear friend to me.

Also, love & stability will NOT change her. It will help her, definately, but it won't heal her or lessen her behaviors to the point that she will be easy to live with.

I thought, when I took Darlene & Cara home with me, that I would be able to handle the behaviors of a foster child. Even though I am experienced with children and even worked with emotionally disturbed children, it's not the same as raising a disturbed child. It's completely different when the child is in your home and disrupting your life 24/7. Even with the experience I have, I was overwhelmed by her needs. And again, she wasn't diagnosed as having SEVERE problems like the child you are considering.

All I'm saying is be prepared for the worst. The photolisting is already warning you that the child has SEVERE emotional & mental problems which means SEVERE behavioral problems as well.

Read the posts below by someone who has a child from the ADOPT US KIDS photolisting. Read what she's been thru since the child has been home:

Don't want to disrupt, but ...

From her post, you can see how difficult it is for her.

Having a child should be a joyful experience. For Michelle, it's been a series of horrible tantrums and calls to the police. Psychiatric hospitalizations and shoving her mother through a glass door. She's at the point of considering disrupting.

I'm sure the child you fell in love with is beautiful and she definately deserves a mom. But consider what you want from parenthood.

Would you be okay with this child if she is destructive? Violent? Harms herself, you or classmates? Destroys property?

Would you be okay with this child if she is never able to love you back? Because that is a real possibility. One of the forum moderators (Lorraine123) adopted a little girl when she was 6. The child has severe RAD and even after years and years of attachment therapy, she still doesn't have that mother/daughter bond. They have to keep the child in sight at all times. There are alarms on the doors. Her child's behavior is so severe she can't go to school. She has threatened to kill her parents. They travel from Maryland to Colorado now in hopes of finding treatment that will help the child. It's possible your child will be like this-or even worse. After all, Lorraine's child was much younger when she came home and started therapy.

Would you be okay with a child who will lie to other people about you to get you into trouble? Who will hug and kiss her grandmother but avoid you like the plague? Who will tell the teacher that you're abusing her or not feeding her? Or makes up other lies to hurt you. Disturbed children will do this.

If you can answer yes to those questions, then maybe you ARE the mom that this child has been waiting for. But in addition to having the resources in place (like therapists, psychiatrists, etc), you'll need to make sure that you have resources for yourself as well. You don't want to burn out. You have to be ready for life after she comes home with you. You may spend years trying to help her and never reach her.

If you want a daughter so you can have a loving and meaningful relationship, it may be better to choose a child who doesn't have such severe issues. There ARE foster children available to adopt who don't have severe issues. And there are many people on these forums who successfully adopted children from foster care. I would recommend contacting your local child welfare office and attend the classes for foster parenting. Then you can be matched with a child who's needs you can meet.

NOW: It's possible that you will bring home this child from the photolistings and having that stability will cause her to blossom. She may respond well to a therapist and really heal. It may be the best thing you ever do. BUT, you need to get ready in case that does not happen. You can't walk into this hoping you can love her back to health because it won't work. She needs WAY more than love.

I just don't want you to get in over your head. It's important to adopt a child who is a good fit for you and your family if you want it to work.

[rascalchico]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

She is DEFINATELY deserving of a home and I hope she finds a family that can help her heal. I'm not saying you shouldn't adopt her. I'm saying that you need to be aware of how severe some emotional problems can be. Some kids come thru foster care and go on to be healthy productive adults. I have a friend who spent several years in foster care. She is now a wonderful mom and wife-and a very dear friend to me.

Also, love & stability will NOT change her. It will help her, definately, but it won't heal her or lessen her behaviors to the point that she will be easy to live with.

I thought, when I took Darlene & Cara home with me, that I would be able to handle the behaviors of a foster child. Even though I am experienced with children and even worked with emotionally disturbed children, it's not the same as raising a disturbed child. It's completely different when the child is in your home and disrupting your life 24/7. Even with the experience I have, I was overwhelmed by her needs. And again, she wasn't diagnosed as having SEVERE problems like the child you are considering.

All I'm saying is be prepared for the worst. The photolisting is already warning you that the child has SEVERE emotional & mental problems which means SEVERE behavioral problems as well.

Read the posts below by someone who just brought a child from the photolisting into her home:

Don't want to disrupt, but ...

From her post, you can see how difficult it is for her.

Having a child should be a joyful experience. For Michelle, it's been a series of horrible tantrums and calls to the police. She's even considering disrupting.

I'm sure the child you fell in love with is beautiful and she definately deserves a mom. But consider what you want from parenthood.

Would you be okay with this child if she is destructive? Violent? Harms herself, you or classmates? Destroys property?

Would you be okay with this child if she is never able to love you back? Because that is a real possibility. One of the forum moderators (Lorraine123) adopted a little girl when she was 6. The child has severe RAD and even after years and years of attachment therapy, she still doesn't have that mother/daughter bond. They have to keep the child in sight at all times. There are alarms on the doors. The child is dangerous and can't go to school. She has threatened to kill her parents. They travel from Maryland to Colorado now in hopes of finding treatment that will help the child. It's possible your child will be like this-or even worse. After all, Lorraine's child was much younger when she came home and started therapy.

Would you be okay with a child who will lie to other people about you to get you into trouble? Who will hug and kiss her grandmother but avoid you like the plague? Who will tell the teacher that you're abusing her or not feeding her? Or makes up other lies to hurt you. Disturbed children will do this.

If you can answer yes to those questions, then maybe you ARE the mom that this child has been waiting for. But in addition to having the resources in place (like therapists, psychiatrists, etc), you'll need to make sure that you have resources for yourself as well. You don't want to burn out. You have to be ready for life after she comes home with you. You may spend years trying to help her and never reach her.

If you want a daughter so you can have a loving and meaningful relationship, it may be better to choose a child who doesn't have such severe issues. There ARE foster children available to adopt who don't have severe issues. And there are many people on these forums who successfully adopted children from foster care. I would recommend contacting your local child welfare office and attend the classes for foster parenting. Then you can be matched with a child who's needs you can meet.

NOW: It's possible that you will bring home this child from the photolistings and having that stability will cause her to blossom. She may respond well to a therapist and really heal. It may be the best thing you ever do. BUT, you need to get ready in case that does not happen. You can't walk into this hoping you can love her back to health because it won't work. She needs WAY more than love.

So, if I want to have a true mother/daughter bond and that parenting experience that I won't have because I am not able to have children, but I want to help these children in foster care, what do I do? Is it just not possible? I don't want the negatives you talk about that. Even though I think I could handle it in the event it happens, it is certainly not what I want. I don't think it is what any parent would want. All children from foster care have some degree of emotional issues do they not? And my chances of adopting an infant is slim to none through foster care right? I would prefer an infant-toddler age but have been told that I wouldn't get that more than likely, especially if I am not a foster parent who has "first dibs" on a child of that age if the parental rights are revoked. I don't want to be a foster parent in my state due to some of the rules that I feel are unsafe. So, am I stuck here?

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by rascalchico

So, if I want to have a true mother/daughter bond and that parenting experience that I won't have because I am not able to have children, but I want to help these children in foster care, what do I do? Is it just not possible? I don't want the negatives you talk about that. Even though I think I could handle it in the event it happens, it is certainly not what I want. I don't think it is what any parent would want. All children from foster care have some degree of emotional issues do they not? And my chances of adopting an infant is slim to none through foster care right? I would prefer an infant-toddler age but have been told that I wouldn't get that more than likely, especially if I am not a foster parent who has "first dibs" on a child of that age if the parental rights are revoked. I don't want to be a foster parent in my state due to some of the rules that I feel are unsafe. So, am I stuck here?

If you think you can handle it, maybe it's your calling and you should just go for it. Like I said, you may be the Mom she is waiting for.

Not ALL children in foster care have severe mental & emotional problems like the child you are interested in. Some have none. Some have mild problems. The difference with the child you are interested in is that she has SEVERE problems-and you have to be prepared for what that will mean for you, your family and your life. She will not be a normal, healthy child that you can bond with and have fun with. She is going to need a LOT of mental health care and her emotional problems may result in a very chaotic household. You have to be prepared for it before you decide to adopt her.

As I said in my post above, there are people on these boards who adopted from foster care and had very positive experiences. Not every child will be disturbed. However, you have to wait to be matched to a child who fits your family. If you choose a child with severe emotional and mental health problems, you are going to have DEAL with a child who has severe behavioral and mental health issues. Look at it this way, photolistings downplay the issues a child is having because they want to generate interest and find a family who will adopt her. In the case of this child, the caseworker wants potential parents to KNOW there is a severe problem with this child's mental health. When the state says SEVERE, they mean severe-not troublesome or bothersome, but disrupting and chaotic. They listed her this way because it's a huge issue for this child. One that will not be easily overcome. If she had behavior issues that just needed therapy in order to help her to transition to an adoptive home, they would call it "MILD". Severe behavioral and emotional issues are the extremes. In other words, this child is already exhibiting extreme behavior problems, emotional problems, and has a mental health diagnosis which is impacting her life and making it extremely difficult for her to be parented. Children with severe mental health and emotional issues are the ones treated at residential treatment centers and often need psychiatric hospitalization. If they are saying she has severe mental health issues & emotional problems, she is most likely very aggressive and difficult to manage. And since they mentioned that she has severe mental health issues, she has probably already been diagnosed with a serious mental illness such as bipolar.

I'm an adoptive mom to 2 girls (9 & 2). I adopted both as infants (and as a single mom). It's possible to do an infant adoption if you find an agency that charges on a sliding scale. This can make it very affordable.

I'm also a foster mom and have a beautiful baby boy (1 year old). If he was available for adoption, I'd certainly adopt him. Foster parents usually adopt their infant and toddler foster children. Sometimes they become foster parents because they want to adopt. But sometimes they don't! There was an adoptive mom on the boards last month who brought home a 6 month old girl as an adoptive placement. The baby's foster parents were older and just wanted to foster-not adopt. Also, you can be a licensed foster/adopt parent and request a Safe Haven baby. Now, this option may result in an extremely long wait. The number of babies dropped off at Safe Haven places in your area may be small-but it's still an option for you. You can also be a foster/adopt parent and request an infant legal risk placement (which means parent's rights haven't been terminated but the cw believes it will eventually go to adoption. Now, that isn't always the case. I had a legal risk placement who went to a paternal aunt after 3 months of living with me. So there is no guarantee. But the risk is definately lower than regular foster care).

You can also wait to be matched with a foster/adopt child who is a little older but has no known mental health or behavioral problems. That doesn't mean the child will come problem-free, but at least you know the child doesn't have a history of severe behavioral problems.

Don't forget that you do have options. And if you choose a child with severe issues, you'll be dealing with SEVERE issues in your home for years to come. They don't call them "SEVERE" for kicks. If a photolisting says a child has a severe problem, it's severe.

If you're looking to adopt a child from fostercare, you'll need a foster/adopt license since the child will be a foster placement until the adoption is finalized. The best place to start is your local child welfare office.

I'm not trying to scare you away from adopting. I'm just saying you need to make sure you're adopting a child that is right for you. A child you can manage. It's possible that a child with severe mental health issues may NEVER heal-you have to be prepared for that if you're going down that road. It's easy to fall in love with a picture. I'm sure this little girl is beautiful. But she needs a forever family that can commit to her as she is today-because it's possible that her mental health diagnosis and emotional problems are so severe that she will never heal. It's important that she is adopted by a family ready to deal with extreme behavioral problems- problems that make my foster daughter's antics look like a day at the park. Remember, my foster daughter's behavior was NOT considered extreme.

[rascalchico]

How do you find and sign up with safe haven places for babies?

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by rascalchico

How do you find and sign up with safe haven places for babies?

I live in Maryland and Safe Haven babies are placed in foster-to-adopt homes through the county. In most states, the babies are turned over to child welfare where they are placed in foster/adopt homes. So, I would recommend your local welfare office. However, depending on where you live, they may only have one or two safe haven babies each year (and a list of people wanting to adopt them). So, it's best to keep this as one of your options-but not your ONLY option.

[crick]

I'm not discounting Kat's experiences or anyone else's for that matter, but I do want to say that not every child is to that extreme as detailed above.

There is a member here named Skirbo who is in the process of adopting an older girl and while I know they've had some challenges, they are not in the midst of a "OMG, she's going to kill me" relationship and by all accounts they seem to be doing really well together.

I have adopted 4 children from foster care and none of them are as described above either. Challenges, yes, but nothing out of ordinary, imo. My kids were 2,3,4 & 5 at placement, none were listed with any major concerns/issues and that has held true really. (again...not saying it's all roses and sunshine, but not impossible either)

I do think it's best to be cautious when a photolisting lists a child with severe needs...there is a reason for that and that is why I suggested contacting the sw so you have as much info as possible and talking with the other adults involved in the child's life can be very insightful. And of course, it'll depend a lot on the past of the child.

I do not believe every child out of foster care has RAD, and while there are those that do have it, even RAD has a spectrum. And again...what Kat is describing above is, imo, a worst case scenario of sorts. While it's good to educate yourself and be aware of things, don't be scared off either.

I suggest too that if you haven't yet, maybe contact a a private agency, to see if you might have a better shot at a younger child, if that is what you'd like. While there can be "first dibs" via fostering, this is not always the case. And with a private agency, (if they are a good one) you have someone working on your behalf to match you with a child in everyone's best interest.

[Linny]

Dh and I have adopted infants through private agencies as well as older children through the foster care system. In total, five infants...three older child adoptions.
All three of the older child adoptions have failed in some form and I have written about these scenarios in the disruption forum, as well as the older adopted child forum.

I would tell anyone who is considering adopting the older child that there ARE older child adoptions that do well. I don't see this a lot, but I do see it. There is also evidence from those here on the site as well.

One piece of advice I've given anyone is to call and visit a support group of parents who've adopted older children. Visit them more than once, speak with them often and in depth. Most parents are more than happy to relate their experiences with anyone considering the process; and those who've been involved with their children more than a couple of years will more than likely give you a realistic view of how parenting these children can be.

Unlike the TV shows and specials, it requires much more than 'love and consistency'. I daresay, it takes a special talent and sometimes a determination that-to others--may seem super-human! But, those who feel 'called' to do so, oftentimes, do so--well!

I have a list of questions I've compiled that's helpful to use before accepting any older child placement. I've been told it's been very helpful to many. If you'd like, I'll be happy to post these, or pm them to you.

In the meantime, I've found that infant placements through the state system are more likely in some areas than others. Some states have better 'systems' with better supports and resources than others too. "Supports' and 'resources' are another topic to discuss with parent support groups. And, BTW, try to choose a private support group, not just one that's sanctioned by the dept who serves it. Sometimes, those groups are not allowed to be completely honest about their experiences. (Believe me, I've seen it myself and was shocked.)

I hope this information is helpful in some way.

Sincerely,

Linny