[rascalchico]

Originally Posted by Linny

Dh and I have adopted infants through private agencies as well as older children through the foster care system. In total, five infants...three older child adoptions.
All three of the older child adoptions have failed in some form and I have written about these scenarios in the disruption forum, as well as the older adopted child forum.

I would tell anyone who is considering adopting the older child that there ARE older child adoptions that do well. I don't see this a lot, but I do see it. There is also evidence from those here on the site as well.

One piece of advice I've given anyone is to call and visit a support group of parents who've adopted older children. Visit them more than once, speak with them often and in depth. Most parents are more than happy to relate their experiences with anyone considering the process; and those who've been involved with their children more than a couple of years will more than likely give you a realistic view of how parenting these children can be.

Unlike the TV shows and specials, it requires much more than 'love and consistency'. I daresay, it takes a special talent and sometimes a determination that-to others--may seem super-human! But, those who feel 'called' to do so, oftentimes, do so--well!

I have a list of questions I've compiled that's helpful to use before accepting any older child placement. I've been told it's been very helpful to many. If you'd like, I'll be happy to post these, or pm them to you.

In the meantime, I've found that infant placements through the state system are more likely in some areas than others. Some states have better 'systems' with better supports and resources than others too. "Supports' and 'resources' are another topic to discuss with parent support groups. And, BTW, try to choose a private support group, not just one that's sanctioned by the dept who serves it. Sometimes, those groups are not allowed to be completely honest about their experiences. (Believe me, I've seen it myself and was shocked.)

I hope this information is helpful in some way.

Sincerely,

Linny

It would be great if you would post the questions to ask for an older child placement. I need all the information possible!

Thanks.

[Linny]

This is a list I created years ago. I hope it helps in some way.

LINNY'S LIST OF QUESTIONS BEFORE ACCEPTING OLDER CHILD PLACEMENTS


Questions for parents considering the placement of a special needs child.

1. # of placements child has had; how long they lasted, why they disrupted. (Usually
folks are uneasy to disclose the 'why'....but I'd really try to find out!)
2. Permission (and I've done this w/o permission too) to contact past foster parents. (This
info can prove to be INVALUABLE...and most foster parents will gladly provide info as
to the 'why')
3. "Why" didn't past foster parents adopt this child?
4. At what age was the child 'removed from the home'..what type of pre-natal care
(especially drug use, etc), what's the situation with any sibs (adoption, prenatal drug use,
residential care, etc.?)
5. What kind of medication is the child on NOW....and what types has the child been on
previously? (Also, what types of diagnoses has this child been given in the past, by what
type of professional (psychiatrist,psychologist, or your 'mental health counselor' who
suspects something?)
6. What prompted termination? Did either parent voluntarily surrender and 'why'? Try to
get the psychologicals on the birthparents. (In some places, this is a 'no-no'...but we've
been given these before w/o asking. Many psychological traits have a genetic
pre-disposition.)
7. Where are the biologicals now? Are there relatives in the area near you, and any chance
they'll be a problem?
8. What kinds of hospitalization (especially ER) has this child had? tests, etc. If so, you'd
like the paperwork!
9. What's this child been told about adoption? Does this child lament for his/her
biologicals?
10. What type of relationship did this child have with birthparents? ie, was this child
forced into being the 'parent' because parents were unable to be just that? Did this child
have to take care of younger, older sibs?
11. How does this child perceive him/herself? Is she self-centered? Does she share well?
(And I don't care how old the child is....this may still be a problem.)
12. Has or has this child EVER had a diagnoses of RAD (reactive attachment
disorder)...or ANY type of attachment disorder? How has 'the system' helped this child
deal with this? (Holdings, play therapy, etc.)
13. How long has this child been in therapy, and what types have been used?
14. Does this child act out sexually? If not now, EVER? And IF ever, how and how long
since the last time?
And...one of the most IMPORTANT questions we think you should ask YOURSELF:
"If this child were to get NO better after being in our home, could we handle his/her
behaviors 'just as they are, NOW'......as if there would be NO improvement, etc.
I think this is important, as classes continually say that 'this child just needs some love
and attention and permanancy, and you'll see how much improvement this child will
make!!!" This DOESN'T ALWAYS happen, and is a point to consider when taking on
special needs children.

[Mkuhlmann06]

I adopted an older child from foster care. He is one of six siblings, was in and out of fc for 8 of his 11 years, had 15 placements (to include our home and 2 reunions) in those 8 years, and although we have some serious issues (lying/stealing)...those are our only issues. His a great kid in so many ways, and those two issues are long standing habits and usually the last behaviors to break. The behaviors are annoying and enforcing the consequences are tiring, but very worth it.

I will tell you, when we were looking for a straight adoption (we also did foster), we were open to some behaviors/issues... and that only registered on the mild to moderate scale. I found several kids diagnosed RAD only on the moderate scale. If that is moderate, I don't know what severe would look like.

I think the most important piece of information everyone is trying to say, is not to discourage you from considering an older child adoption, but to consider what you can handle.

As for questions, I found this list on these forums over a year ago - don't remember who posted them or what thread, so Im sorry I can't give you credit - but they were helpful:

Here is a good list to ask about any child that you may want more info on.

1. Environment/background/care

· Why is this child not living with their biological parents?

· How old was the child when they came into care?

· Siblings?

· Biological family medical background?

· What is known about the birth parents?

· What has the child been told about their bio family?

· What was the last contact with them?

· Any continued contact with friends, family members, etc?

· Number of previous placements?

· Why did the child have to move?

· Has the child shown ability to bond with care giver? Teacher? Other children in the home?

· Can we speak to current/previous care givers?

· Cultural background?

· Religious affiliation?


2. Functioning in the family

· How have they adjusted to this home?

· How do they handle routine expectations / chores?

· How are they about expressions of affection, about touching?

· Do they prefer men to women, women to men?

· How do they take care of possessions?

· How well do they get along with other children in the household?

· Do they prefer same age, younger or older play mates?

· What is a typical day like for them?

· What type of discipline works best for them?

· What doesn't work for them?

· What problems have occurred at home that you feel we should be aware of and how did you handle them?

· Have there been any behaviors we should be aware of such as wetting the bed, aggression, terrible nightmares etc.

3. Self

· What kinds of feelings does the child have about themselves?

· How does the child handle failure, stress, happiness, anger, pain, anxiety?

· Is the child aggressive towards caregivers or other children?

· What strengths does the child have?

· Does the child have a nickname?

· How well do they communicate?

· Can they talk about their feelings?

· Are there specific things they are afraid of?

· How do they handle these fears?

· What is their experience with animals (dogs, cats, etc.)?

4. Interests/Play

· What do they like to do with their spare time?

· Play alone or with others?

· What kind of play do they avoid?

· Special interests, favorite toys, favorite TV shows?

· Specific likes/dislikes?

· Any sports or organized activities?

5. School

· Academically, are they strong, average, weak?

· How well do they get along with teacher, other kids?

· Any areas of concern or struggle?

· IEP in place? If so, why?

· Learning disorders?

6. Medical

· How is the child's physical and emotional health?

· Physical health – shots up-to-date?

· Regular dental care?

· Hearing/vision status, need glasses?

· Allergies?

· On any medications?

· Doctor's name and phone?

· Any on-going medical issues?


7. Developmental levels

· Developmental levels:
- Social/emotional:
- Cognitive:
- Gross motor, fine motor:
- Adaptive:

· Psychological diagnosis?

· Neurological diagnosis?

· Is the child in therapy? How often?

· Therapist's name and phone?

· What has the child been told regarding sex?

· Any sexual acting out? If so, how/when does it occur?

8. Eating Routines

· Are there any feeding difficulties, table problems?

· Is the child a picky eater?

· Eating habits changed?

· Likes/Dislikes?

9. Sleeping Routines

· Bed wetting? Nightmares? Sleepwalk?

· Bed time routine? Difficult to get to sleep?

· Sleep with a special object?

10. Self Care

· Dress themselves, pick out clothing?

· Bathe themselves, tooth brushing, hair care?

11. Adoption issues

· What does the child understand about adoption? Foster care?

· Has the child mentioned what they would like in a family?

· Has the child been told about adoption and what that would mean to their situation?

· When it is time to move the child, are there any items that you may already know we will need to have in our home? (Items like bikes, scooters, toys, etc.)

· Is there anything you would like to know about us to help you prepare the child when the time comes?

[rascalchico]

Thank you for this list. I am sure I will find it very helpful and I certainly will use it. My brain feels fried and overwhelmed with so much to think about and consider. But I really appreciate everyone's help and input.