[satyagraha]

Hi all, this is my first time posting so I apologize in advance for the wordy exposition...

At this point I am not actively looking to adopt, but I consider it part of my long-term plan and I've begun thinking about how my husband and I might approach the process. We are in our mid-twenties and would like to get a little more established before we have any more children.

I say "any more" because I have a wonderful stepdaughter, 6 going on 7, my husband's daughter from a previous relationship. He and the mother of his daughter were teenage parents. Although they have handled parenthood remarkably well and my SD is happy and well-adjusted, teenage parenthood is not a decision I would have made, and my husband and I both feel that we are still "too young" to have another kid (I realize how strange this might sound).

My husband is a noncustodial parent per the agreement he and my stepdaughter's mother worked out when she was very young. Getting time with her has been an uphill battle; he originally wanted three weekends a month, and that was whittled down to one. He was not present for his ex's pregnancy or for the birth of his child. I'm not trying to make it sound awful; the situation now is pretty good and like I said, my stepdaughter has a great life (in addition to her parents, she now has a loving and supportive stepfather, a maternal half-sister and another half sibling on the way, and me, and a good family life in both houses). But my husband never really had the "total" experience of being a parent to his own biological child.

Our everyday life is that of a typical recently-married twentysomething couple with no kids, and one weekend a month we are full-time parents. So it's been interesting thinking about how we will approach having more kids, since we do already have one but she isn't here most of the time (she does get extended time with us during the summer--several weeks at once). She will probably be about 10 or 11 by the time we'd like to have more children.

I am interested in learning more about older child adoption, partially because we wish to give this overlooked group of children the loving homes they deserve, partially because I have resolved not to take up the planet's resources with numerous biological children when there are children already out there who need families, and partially because it would be a way for us to wait until we are truly ready to become full-time parents, and still have a child who is relatively close in age to my stepdaughter (closer than a newborn would be). We would possibly consider sibling pair adoption as well.

Ideally I would also like to have one biological child (no more than one). As far as I know I have no reproductive issues, although I have never tried to conceive so who knows

My question is, would it be smarter to adopt the older child(ren) first and develop a bond with them, and then have the bio-kid (who would be the youngest either way) last, or would it be better to focus on our first (and only) pregnancy/biological child before adopting? I've heard it's not the best idea to adopt older children into a home with a younger child. Also, our potential children (adopted and bio) would have an older sister, but she will not reside here 80% of the time (unless there is a drastic change in my husband's parenting plan between now and then). This isn't great in terms of their bond with her, but better in terms of their getting our undivided attention.

Of course we would discuss this with our daughter when the time comes. She is already familiar with adoption in her own maternal family--her mother is the only bio-child (and youngest) of her grandmother; her uncle is adopted special needs and her other aunts and uncles are adopted stepchildren (bio-children of her grandfather). Unfortunately I don't think this is the kind of thing I can ask their advice on; for one thing, my SD's uncle was adopted in the 70s and times have changed, and for another thing, at this point in time we don't have that familiar a relationship, although maybe that will have changed.

Anyway, this is all the stuff that's been on my mind. I am trying to do a thorough job of planning ahead long before we make any official moves, so I'd love to hear your input as experienced adoptive (and biological) parents. Any experience with adopting into a blended family/shared custody situation? Any opinions on birth order?

Thanks!!