[meganicolson]

I am looking for information from families who have successfully adopted out of birth order.

As an adult adoptee, I personally think that "birth" order is somewhat ridiculous. I was biologically the oldest, but adopted and raised as the youngest. However, I acted mostly like an oldest while my older brother (also adopted) acted, oh, much less like an oldest.

That being said, we have two children adopted from Colombia ages (almost) 3 and 1 1/2. Neither are the oldest or youngest biologically, that just happens to be where they are now after we adopted them. We are beginning the process of adopting a sibling group of 2 or 3 children up to age 10 from Colombia. Now, I understand all the risks associated with bringing older children who have had traumatic early years into a home with younger children. What I am looking for is someone who has done it successfully and what they found that worked best. I would love any advice for how to make the transition smooth and how to handle meltdowns (by any of the children) in response to the adoption. Basically, I'd love any advice on how to make this next adoption a successful one.

I've posted this in several sections to try to get as many responses as possible (after not having any responses in the international section).

Thank you!

Megan

[another2]

Chiming in from the international board... We adopted 2 infants (who are now 7) and then 2 more infants (who are now 3). This past October, we adopted a 13 year old. Way out of birth order! The biggest problems between the children is that our new son is used to the "pecking order" of the orphanage. He tried immediately to establish that in our house, with himself as "top dog." He wanted to be a third parent and, barring that, at least head of the children. We made it clear early on that we are the parents, not him, and all the children are not ranked by age or any other means. He does not get to tell the others what to do or get priority because of his age. While their ages prevent them from doing equal things, we love them and treat them equally.

We still have our "bumps in the road" but things are pretty good. Hope this helps.

[tenacious_mom]

Hi,

We have six adopted internationally. This is the order by which we adopted.
1st, new born
2nd, age three
3rd, age five
4th, new born
5th, age 7
6th, age 9
all those not new born from orphanges.
We know enough about our kids past that we have #1,3,4, and 5 as first borns. Have not found the age to which their placement into our family really make any difference. Much will have to do with the will and disposition of the child. Our 7 and 9 year old were like kindergarten level out of Bulgaria. This made our 9 year old not be the leader of the pack. So there was no confrontation regarding age. I think much has to do with what went on in the orphanage. I can see a leader type entering a home of younger children and just size itself being the provailing factor that determines the mind set of the child as he is boss or leader. The biggest thing we have found is allowing no child of any age be a main care giver of the others. The first two years it must be the parents meeting basic needs for bonding to transfer. Our children bonded naturally with this thought in mind. I will say though that although all our children bonded within 6 months, with our child age 7 who took 2.5 years. Our 9 year old son never bonded and unfortunately, after six years, we had to place him with a family that worked with him one on one who were older and had adopted previously from Bulgaria and raised four kids. Our hopes were that he would bond to a significant other adult so that his personal well being would be developed and society would have a productive citizen to not have to be watching after. Unfortunately at the age of 18 now, after three years with this couple, he shows little progress of inner heart change and bonding. God has His hand on our son though and it may take many many more years before change occurs deeply. Our son was the fifth child to his birth parents. Biggest thing I can tell you is every older adopted child has choices and not to expect that your decisions of raring an older child are the only ones that determine the bonding. I saw each older child make the inner decision of "this is my new mom and dad and my brothers and sisters". This comes out in daily interaction and a certain level of obedience. All our other children have bonded deeply with us and their siblings.

So birth order did not do much. With the sibling group you are considering being older then your present children, you must understand how vital it is not to assume safety of your younger children with the older kids until you know your new kids inside and out.

I have lots to say about attachment disorder but this is not your main concern at present it seems. Hope this helps a bit.
tenacious_mom