[afolc]

My family is adopting brothers, M is 11yrs & S is 7yrs. Tomorrow my husband and I will meet them for the first time. We are excited and a little nervous to say the least.

We have talked about if we should bring the boys a little gift or not. We don't want to come across as bribing them to like us or as if they will get something every time we see them. We also want to show them how excited we are to have them join our family. So we're at a loss. What would/did you do? Any advice is appreciated.

I should also add that S is very excited to be getting a family, but M isn't so much. His words to their therapist after she spent almost half an hour talking about us to them were "I guess I'll give them a try".

Thanks

[Mkuhlmann06]

When I met my son (age 11) for the first time, they actually asked us to bring a small scrapbook or photoalbum. It contained pictures of the house, animals, neighborhood, us, family, hobbies, etc. We used this is a talking point. We did not bring any gifts. Actually no gifts were given during the meetings/transition at all. I would be prepared with questions to ask the kids (do they like transformers? do they like sports? which ones? favorite teams?). Even if you know some of this info from their profile or discussions with other people... it helps. Where are you meeting them? At their current foster house? At a nuetral location? Will their worker be there? We met at a local McD's and his SW was with him. We played the video games and other stuff at the McD's for interaction. Then we did the photo album while we ate.... then back to playing games. We didn't talk about "forever" or "when he'll come home." It was just a casual light meeting. We did ask if he wanted to hold onto the photo album so he could show his FPs or just so he could look at the pics better. He said yes. Feel free to PM me. I'd be happy to answer any other questions!

edited to add: I didn't take pictures at the first meeting (first b/c it was a surprise thing immediately following an interview and unplanned) and second, even if I had a camera, Im not sure we all would have been comfortable enough yet to do that. On the second meeting you bet I took pics! Actually he took more than I did (he likes gadgets, so using a digital camera was good). For each next visit afterwards, I'd have pics printed out from the previous visit, so he could have them.

Good luck!!!!

[Lorraine123]

We also gave a photo album. We had pictures of us and our other children, our house, our pets, etc.

[sundara]

I agree with all the above, especially brining photos of your home family, if not already shared with them.

That being said, realize that they will probably most want to share some of their life with you - e.g., they may have photos of bio family to share with you (my kids did). Be prepared NOT to react poorly to these - be supportive & express how wonderful it is that they have these photos of their family - the kids need to feel that they will be accepted, and your reaction to their parent's photos will be important to them.

Also, it really does help to have an activity, especially one that allows for talking together a bit, but not too much on the first visit. Our kids' SW did a great job by having them working on their lifebooks as an activity so the kids could share their story with us as they worked on them.

On our second and all subsequent visits, we always brought decks of cards (regular, and also Phase 10 from Walmart is a great, easy game for kids to play).

On our visit to bring them for their first visit to our house (which is several hours away), we gave our first gifts - blankets in each child's favorite color with their names embroidered on them, and headsets for the car (we have the system that allows them to plugin & listen to the radio while Mom & Dad listen to CD's, or vice-versa). They LOVED them because the gifts were personalized but also had a specific purpose.

[Mkuhlmann06]

Sundara reminded me... I forgot to mention UNO. We took UNO with us each visit. If there was any time leftover from whatever was planned, we played. He loved it. It also helped create a time for "talking". We still do it now! We'll take out UNO after dinner and its usually when Im most able to get him to open up and answer various questions... that I'd normally just get a one word answer on at other times of the day.

[expecting]

When we met our 11-year old we did not bring a gift either. Like the others we brought photos of our home & dog to share...and in turn, he had brought photos of his brother. The only thing we did take with us were the Harry Potter jelly beans (we knew he was into H.P.)...those crazy flavored ones! When the conversation would lapse, there is nothing like eating an earwax or dirt flavor jelly bean to lighten the mood!!

Someone above mentioned a camera--we took one with us, but did not even take it out of the car. It just did not feel 'right' at that time to take pictures for us.

Good luck and have fun!

[expecting]

We did not bring gifts the first time we met our 11-year old. Like the others, we did take photos of our home & dog...and in turn, he shared family photos of his with us.

The other thing we took were the Harry Potter Jelly Beans (we knew he was way into H.P.)...you know, the really gross flavors. Whenever it got a little bit 'akward' or nerves got the best of someone, there was nothing like a booger or earwax flavor candy to lighten the mood!

We took a camera with us, but it never even came out of my purse with that first visit. Have fun and Good Luck!!!

[afolc]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. We had our visit yesterday evening at the agency, and it was great! Both boys opened right up to us (my husband & I seem to have that effect), and we all talked the entire time. We didn't bring gifts, just the album I had made them. They thought it was great. I also brought activities to do, but they never came out of the bag. My camera did though. I was surprised when S (7) asked if I had a camera because in my section of the book one of my hobbies is photography. So I bought out the camera and they started posing, doing rabbit ears over each others heads and making silly faces. I got some really good shots. Then I let each of them take a few pictures. The visit went better than anyone planned.

[Mkuhlmann06]

Thats fantastic.... good luck!