[Mongoose]

Hi everyone,

This doesn't have any immediate relevance to my life but I do ask myself what my kids are gonna call me. It will be a few years yet, but I plan on adopting older girls (hopefully 4-12 years old) from a Spanish-speaking country. I don't have any other kids so it doesn't matter, from a "fitting in" point of view, what my adopted kids choose to call me. If they were to call me "Auntie" or "Tia" I don't think I'd have a problem with it... Oddly, I want to be a parent but I don't particularly want to be a "mother", so I think I might actually like "Tia" better than "Mom."

Anyway, just wondering what your older kids called you when they came into your home, and whether that changed over time, and how that made you feel, and whether you asked them to call you a certain thing or just let them do what they wanted, and any other thoughts you may have on the subject.

Thanks!

[dawnmei]

My daughter (10 years old) was introduced to me by my first name, but within a day asked if she could call me mom. I was fine with whatever she was going to call me, but she chose mom. To me, it still doesn't seem like she means "mom" when she says it (more like you'd call "waitress" in a restaurant), but I'm sure that will come.

[momagain5]

hi,i am confused by your comment you want to be a parent but not a mother!even older children want a mother,.my son was 9 when he was placed with us,and at first called us by our first names,but onve tpr was done,he started calling us mom and dad all the time.i am his mother.mother is a special term,for a special person in a childs life.

[mrsred]

both my adopted kids (separate adptions) started calling us Mom and Dad while transitioning to our home. Right now we are doing visits with a little girl that is almost four. When she is with us she calls us Mommy and Daddy. We introduced ourselves, and refer to each other by our first names. But we don't correct her... she hears our three kids call us Mom and Dad.

[MomwithFive]

Our daughter will call us either Mom and Dad or by our first names.

[Okhmatov]

To me, this seems like a strange statement, that you want to be a parent, but not a mother. It seems like you might want to be a caregiver, but not a parent. It's alright to be 'okay' with the child calling you "Tia", if that's what they're most comfortable with, but I would think long and hard about my reasons for adopting - especially consider my willingness to be anything and everything they need, including mother. The last thing you want is a child coming into your home, only to realize that when they dreamt and yearned for a mother, the mother they got, really only wants to be a related primary caregiver. This would result in an emotional strain, and even more pain for a child who was hoping to be adopted fully into the family and into the heart. You might want to consider fostering, instead of adoption. It's also very clear in the adoption laws that adopting a child from overseas needs to be done with every intent of creating a parent/child relationship. Although there is no way to enforce this except legally, I believe it should also be taken to heart in the emotional realm.

[ocracoke]

I was placed with my adoptive family when I was 7.5 years old and the adoption was finalized when I was almost 9. I never called my aparents mom and dad. I always called them by their first names. At about 25 I started calling my mom "mama" at times. It was never ever ever confusing in our house what the relationships were. I was the kid. They were the parents. Others may have found it confusing to listen to but it was clear to us. To this day I am very close to my parents -- I actually live next door to my mother.

Samantha

[TxMom65]

My daughter was 8 when placed with us and started calling us mom and dad from the start.

[Mkuhlmann06]

Our son was introduced to us using our first names. During the visits and transition, he still used our first names. I had one conversation with him the first weekend he moved into our house that he could refer to us by our names, mom/dad, mom name/dad name, etc. -- whatever he felt comfortable with. About 6 weeks after that he was calling us mom/dad all the time. He is/was 11yrs old.

[AudreyE]

Our older daughter was a very verbal toddler when we met her. Her foster parents called us "Mommy" and "Daddy", so that's what she called us from the start.

Audrey

[marythemom]

We met our kids at age 11 and 13 (now 12 and 14). We had our younger bio kids with us (7 and 10 at the time). They called us Mom and Dad so our new daughter did to. She has an attachment disorder (undiagnosed at the time) so that was actually a warning sign, but we didn't know that at the time. Our son calls us Mom and Dad unless he's mad at us. Then he calls us by our first names and talks about wanting to be returned to foster care. They still refer to bioparents as Mom and Dad too so that gets a little confusing sometimes.

Mary
Mom to
biokids T boy age 8 and K girl age 11 and
finalizing soon! C girl age 12 and
her 1/2 brother D boy age 14 (currently in residential treatment)
"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!"