[sunflower1220]

As many of you know we have been authorized for a sibling group that we signed up for at a matching party in February.

For those of you who have gone through the State, and were authorized "accepted" or whatever, what were some questions you asked (Besides the info you got from their million page disclosures) of their worker, or foster parents, to be sure this was the right child/ren for you?

We go to the disclosure meeting on Friday and I want to make sure I'm well prepared, so any tips would be very muchly appreciated!

Thanks!

[Linny]

I've written and sent this list several times, and I'm told it's been very helpful to those in the position you are now.
I hope it helps; if nothing more, than to spark further questions. PLEASE be careful when considering a placement. We've done the foster system adoption of older children three times, and it wasn't a good thing. PLEASE try not to think with your heart, but more with your head.
My best to you....

A LIST OF QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE ACCEPTING THE PLACEMENT OF AN OLDER CHILD FOR ADOPTION

THE LIST

Questions for parents considering the placement of a special needs child.

1. # of placements child has had; how long they lasted, why they disrupted. (Usually
folks are uneasy to disclose the 'why'....but I'd really try to find out!)
2. Permission (and I've done this w/o permission too) to contact past foster parents. (This
info can prove to be INVALUABLE...and most foster parents will gladly provide info as
to the 'why')
3. "Why" didn't past foster parents adopt this child?
4. At what age was the child 'removed from the home'..what type of pre-natal care
(especially drug use, etc), what's the situation with any sibs (adoption, prenatal drug use,
residential care, etc.?)
5. What kind of medication is the child on NOW....and what types has the child been on
previously? (Also, what types of diagnoses has this child been given in the past, by what
type of professional (psychiatrist,psychologist, or your 'mental health counselor' who
suspects something?)
6. What prompted termination? Did either parent voluntarily surrender and 'why'? Try to
get the psychologicals on the birthparents. (In some places, this is a 'no-no'...but we've
been given these before w/o asking. Many psychological traits have a genetic
pre-disposition.)
7. Where are the biologicals now? Are there relatives in the area near you, and any chance
they'll be a problem?
8. What kinds of hospitalization (especially ER) has this child had? tests, etc. If so, you'd
like the paperwork!
9. What's this child been told about adoption? Does this child lament for his/her
biologicals?
10. What type of relationship did this child have with birthparents? ie, was this child
forced into being the 'parent' because parents were unable to be just that? Did this child
have to take care of younger, older sibs?
11. How does this child perceive him/herself? Is she self-centered? Does she share well?
(And I don't care how old the child is....this may still be a problem.)
12. Has or has this child EVER had a diagnoses of RAD (reactive attachment
disorder)...or ANY type of attachment disorder? How has 'the system' helped this child
deal with this? (Holdings, play therapy, etc.)
13. How long has this child been in therapy, and what types have been used?
14. Does this child act out sexually? If not now, EVER? And IF ever, how and how long
since the last time?
And...one of the most IMPORTANT questions we think you should ask YOURSELF:
"If this child were to get NO better after being in our home, could we handle his/her
behaviors 'just as they are, NOW'......as if there would be NO improvement, etc.
I think this is important, as classes continually say that 'this child just needs some love
and attention and permanancy, and you'll see how much improvement this child will
make!!!" This DOESN'T ALWAYS happen, and is a point to consider when taking on
special needs children.

Sincerely,

Linny

[sunflower1220]

Oh Thank you SOOOOOOOOOO Much, this is exactly the type of list I have been looking for!! I'm sorry you had to repost it, I only went back two pages on this forum to see if anyone had asked the question, but had no luck. I forgot about searching for it.

Thanks again, and thanks tons!!!

Oh question, sorry, were you able to find a lot of the answers to these very questions in their disclosures? I mean we were told the disclosures were inbetween 50-150 pages each child, I'm trying to figure out what on earth could be in these million pages, as that seems like a whole lot.

Thanks again!

[crick]

if the files are anything like my 4, a lot of it will be repeat stuff. They track EVERYTHING, all physicals, every person that comes in contact with them on a professional level had a report etc.

I had a limited amount of time to read everything, so I focused on the medical, history of the original sw's report that actually pulled them from the home. In my state, the sw that works to find a placement is a different sw than the one that pulls the kids from the environment.

IMO, the files didn't answer a lot of our questions, so we called the therapist and discussed things, called the original sw, and we also talked to the foster parents.

[joskids]

You got some great info here from Linny. All are pertinent, particularly the "ask yourself if" question at the end. One other thing we did when considering older children was to ask to speak with teachers. Sometimes teachers see things (positive or negative) in a child when they are in the classroom setting, particularly relationships with peers, that is very important in its perspective. And best wishes on considering your sib group. I certainly hope all goes well for you.

[sunflower1220]

Oh Thank you everyone for your advice, I so very much appreciate it.

Thanks Crick for clueing me in on how your disclosures where so I won't be as surprised if it is much of a repeat. Here in OK the kids have a worker when removed from the home, and then a new worker (sometimes two) when placed for adoption also.

Josie, thanks for the tip about the teachers, I definitely want to do that (if possible) too.

Now I'm starting to see why they say you have up to two weeks to review the file.

I'm starting to get that more nervous energy than excited energy. I think I will be very relieved once tomorrow gets here and we can go home and review everything in our own environment. Only 16 hours and 15 mins left. *EEP*

Thanks again everyone, this has been so helpful!

[Linny]

Felicia:
We too, went to speak with the teachers. It was not something we did with the sw'ers; we interviewed the teachers, the day care providers, the special ed elementary classroom teachers, the special ed day care helpers and providers, the foster parents, the past therapist, the current therapist---all on our own. (* I hope I listed them all.)

Josie is right to tell you that you may get a totally different perspective on the child/kids when speaking with the teachers. In one case, it seemed 'clear' to us that the foster mother and the child did NOT get along at all. (In fact, she was 'a real piece of work', KWIM?) She played all kinds of mind games with the child, and the teachers and pre-school teachers were the ones who gave us evidence of this info. It was extremely helpful for us.

As far as disclosures? Hate to tell you this, but if these kids had/have some real issues that are slightly mentioned in paperwork....believe that there's usually more to it. True, lawsuits have been made when info isn't fully disclosed; but we are one of those cases. We didn't carry it to court, for a lot of reasons, but suffice to say, even the head of the foster care system was alarmed at the lack of info we didn't get about one kid. Years later, we got it through the help of an attorney; and if we had known this info in the beginning, we would have known the child was far above our heads in what we felt we could deal with. He's grown up in residential, because he was/is too dangerous to live in a traditional home.
I don't want to scare you; but I'd wish for every hopeful adoptive parent of older kids to realize that it's common for them NOT to get ALL of the info. And yeah, there are always those who'll say, 'Ohhh, but you'll have risks with any placement.'
It's true. But the risks for the things you're taking with older children, are seldom the same types of risks you may have with infants. And, the opportunity to bond with any child has much more potential when done as the child is an infant.
(Okay....so much for my preaching.....)
Just want to say again, don't be afraid to ask ANY AND ALL questions. Don't take 'no' for an answer if any caseworker tells you interviewing 'so and so' isn't usually done.

These children are potentially YOUR children. You will need to be as equiped as you possibly can to make the right educated decision in whether to bring them into your home. And, if they become 'yours'....you'll be the primary advocate for any/all of their needs. You will be the number one person to give out any history to physicians, therapists, etc. It could prove to be a huge role; and one you can only do well, if you search out and are given the info you'll very much need. Just be determined!

Don't worry about me 're-posting' the list. I keep a copy of it in my own file.
My best to you in this pursuit.

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[joskids]

I agree, Linny. I got some very good information from teachers, one in particular who was also an adoptive mom. I also agree that you will have holes in the information you receive. The two older girls we had hoped to adopt had lived in a foster home for over 2 years and NEVER had a dental appoint (??? what?)! And the foster mother knew nothing of what went in on the home when she was at work (nights) and her teen daughters were left to be in charge. The two foster children saw MUCH they never should have seen and, of course, that was never reported to the agency. Although the agency worker was very good and did her best to relate all information to us, there was so much we did not know. And unfortunately it hurt us all in the long run. I know there are some strong cases for adopting older children in the right family and I hope with all my heart that workers can be more upfront in the future so that adoptive families have the information they need to make a proper decision. Best wishes on your older child adoption. It's something I've always wanted to do.

[msdizzydolores]

I hope I am not writing this in the wrong forum, but I need assistance and fast.

August 8th, I have a telephone conversation with one child's worker and my worker to discuss a child.

My dilemma? The MAJOR issues of abuse and my family already stating they will not and cannot deal with it.

I would love to give this 14 year old a chance, but I am wavering back and forth about what to do.
Does anyone have any advice? I want to go into specifics, but I don't want to violate any confidences.

Dolores

[Linny]

My dilemma? The MAJOR issues of abuse and my family already stating they will not and cannot deal with it.

In our family, this would be the final answer. If your family feels they will/would not deal with certain behaviors from the get-go, IMO, there's no reason to pursue this placement further.
I realize you'd love to help this child, but if the entire family isn't on board, it's not only unfair to your family members, it's also unfair to the child who's being placed.

I don't mean to be harsh; but our family has been through the mire and back concerning older children. They require so much more from parents; and because of this, parents need to have a completely unified and strong front in order to give the best oportunity to the children.

Sincerely,

Linny

[msdizzydolores]

Thank you so much for your response. This child has been sexually abused and has abused other children in the homes she has been placed in.

My sister has already advised me that she would not allow her children around this child.

I knew in my heart I was making the right decision not to want to accept this placement, but I feel I am being pressured to.

Now I just have to be firm and stick to the age group I want to adopt 0-7 and not allow 'workers' to push children on me and on my family.

Thank you for your response. I will notify her today I will not require the conference call with the social worker, and that I want to keep looking.

I am just wondering why I cannot find any healthy and young children through the foster care system. Are they all in foster care homes which is making this process harder for me?

[Linny]

I am just wondering why I cannot find any healthy and young children through the foster care system. Are they all in foster care homes which is making this process harder for me? ---msdizzydolores

Two points here: You ask why you can't find any healthy children through the system?
Have you already taken the PRIDE (or whatever your area calls them) classes? If so, you'd find that 'finding healthy children (in terms of emotional) for the age group you've listed is not real common. Most children from the foster system suffer----to some extent-- in the emotional or physical realm of abuse. This is not to say the children can't overcome these issues (and I DO believe that many children can not overcome serious issues) , but to think that they'll come to you, 'unscared' isn't realistic.

You also ask if it's because so many of them are in foster homes already?
I would answer 'yes' to that. Most of the younger children who become adoptable, are, indeed, already in foster homes---and most of those foster parents will want to go ahead and adopt the children in their care.

I'd suggest the best thing to do would be to contact any/all of the agencies who deal with foster care in your area. (Many states have privatized their foster care with individual agencies.)
In this way---even if the agencies don't have children available at that time, they may very well remember you, believe it or not.
If I can give any suggestions to help further, please feel free to pm me.

Sincerely,

Linny